Happy Anniversary!

Currently Playing: Needtobreathe (on repeat)
Current Emotion: Pure Wonderment

It's hitting me that it's been about a year of transformation. I choke up just thinking about where I was, and how far I've come over the last year.

Seriously, it's only been a YEAR? How is that possible?! It just feels like so much longer! I know I've said it before, and I'll gladly say it again: I've learned more over the last year, than I did in my entire junior high and high school careers combined.

For those who don't completely know my life story:
I used to consider myself Agnostic, because I knew there was a higher power, but I believed in science, and honestly, didn't live my life worshipping anything but this life on earth. I was always a decent person, but towards the end of high school I didn't make great decisions, and by the time I was halfway into my first semester at Fresno State, I didn't even know who I was anymore.

Around this time last year, I decided changes were needed. I slowly started giving my life to Christ. I still celebrated the commercial Christmas, but I was starting to become more aware of Him. All of a sudden, I was given a Bible for Christmas, I started attending Sunday church service and college group in January (I had already been attending youth group since November), and I developed this desire to learn everything I could about God and this thing called "Christianity."

I gave my life up to Christ completely, and was saved last winter.

Since then, I have fallen IN LOVE with Christ! I can't even imagine myself before. Life is just... different. A good different, of course, but I haven't looked at things the same since that time.

I've read, had bible studies, prayed, developed relationships with amazing people who have become both mentors and family to me, found unconditional love, LEARNED unconditional love, worshipped, changed career options, changed schools, accepted my flaws, ACCEPTED FORGIVENESS!!, been baptized, gone on two missions trips, learned patience, centered my life around Christ, gotten a job, put God first, put God second then realized what I had done and put him first again, found a favorite Bible verse, learned what a man in Christ is and how important that is, seen true beauty, become involved in church in any way possible, found a passion for Jr. High ministry, had epiphanies, matured, learned my spiritual gifts, found symbolism, cried, laughed, been angry, been confused, been happy.. Ahhh the list goes on, and on!!

With both the good and bad, it's been a wonderful year.

I even prayed out loud for the first time the other day.

All I want to do is study God and share about my life with Christ! If I could only do that for the rest of my life, I would be happy. I would die knowing that I glorified God and hopefully helped someone who was, at one point, in my shoes.

Even though I feel I've accomplished a ton as a young Christian, I'm not going to hit a stalemate. In fact, I refuse! I still have this thirst for more and a sponge-like mindset, and if anything, I'm feeling as encouraged as ever to better myself and better my relationship with Jesus Christ. I'm at a very lucky time in my life, and I constantly thank God for not letting me pass through this time unaware of the blessings I've been given.

This will be my first year where I will be focusing on CHRISTmas. It's not commercial to me anymore, but about celebrating the birth of my Savior, while spending time with my friends and family. It's a thank you for giving me the year that I've had! In growth, faithfulness, sacrifice, heartache, and everything in between.

I have a lot in store for the year 2011. I'm going to work on struggles, strengthen my walls against old ones, try my hardest to get outside of my comfort zone and create relationships with non-Christians, build my knowledge about the Bible and theology, etc. The list will continue to grow. I don't just have faith that God will help me do these things, I am confident that they will happen! God is so faithful, and as unworthy as I may be, I'll spend every day of my life growing closer to, and ultimately better understanding Him by giving glory and praise!


Happy Anniversary God!! And to many more to come! THANK YOU for bringing me to You and blessing me with this life! This year has been all because of YOU! I love You with ALL of my heart :)


"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith; and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God"
-Ephesians 2:8

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me"
-Galatians 2:20

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him"
-Colossians 3:17

Just Because...

"I would rather entertain and hope people learned something, than educate and hope people were entertained."

-Walt Disney

Trying To Move On

This week has been full of realizations that might have taken too long to make. It's been something that everyone has seen, and even if I saw little bits and pieces of it, I was too stubborn to believe them... That, and too optimistic.

Well, tonight I was reading one of my dear friend's blog, and I stumbled across this..

"because It seems like giving up hope in people I care deeply about is accepting failure. But, in retrospect, I suppose I need to do what I need to do to protect myself. Essentially, this is a vital defense mechanism that I have yet to master.

I guess If I should have high hopes for anyone changing, it should be for me."


It really spoke to me. I have SO much hope for people, and believe that they can become the person I need them to be. Newsflash, they can't, and I'm not mad, or bitter about it, I'm just accepting it and moving on. I used to believe that it was just bad timing, and that may very well be true, but I can't keep thinking that because it's tearing me apart. It's not worth the effort, especially since I'm getting no effort in return.

Nice guys (and girls) may finish last at first, but that's only because God's has something better for them. And hey, if I'm completely wrong about this, it'll happen without me having to make 100% of the effort. For now, I'm moving on with my life. Maybe I'm numb, or maybe it's because I, for the first time in my life, have a group of friends (and coworkers) who have my back during this time, but I'm doing fine, and I feel as if it'll only get better :)


And to my friends, I love you guys, and I'm counting on you guys to keep me accountable for this decision!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm just going to come out and say it: I'm blessed.
Really though, as I sit in my 90% unpacked room and think about my life, I am so thankful for the gifts that God has given me throughout my life, and over this last year...

1. Jesus. I wouldn't be able to do anything without Him. God is the reason why I feel blessed, and He continues to pour out His love to me through His son, and His grace. He gives me the courage to follow His will for me, and teaches me how to love unconditionally.

2. My immediate family. My dad still makes me laugh more than anyone I know, and I know it's hard for him to be so strong with all that he deals with on a regular basis. My mom is my biggest fan, and even though we don't get along, I know I can always count on her.. Even to run to Old Navy an hour before it closes on Thanksgiving :P. My sister is turning into the most beautiful woman. She's really coming into her own and I love her so much. I'm really going to miss her as she continues her second half of high school.

3. My friends. Holy moly. The friends I've made over the last 11 months, and the few I still have from high school continuously show me unconditional love. I love them all, and I know that they will always be by my side. They make me feel "normal" and less awkward :)

4. My distant family. I rarely see them, and today was the first time I saw some of them since Christmas. Some are going through awful times, and some have very different interests than me, but I know we all feel blessed to have each other. We may never see each other, but when I do see them, I feel like they never even left!

5. The roof over my head, the reliable car I drive, heating and air conditioning, etc. These are the little things we often look passed. Since college group on Sunday, I've really looked at all of my material possessions differently, and I'm so thankful to have these things.

6. My job at Starbucks. I am so lucky to have such a reliable job with coworkers and a manager that I enjoy working with. I spend a lot of my time at work, so it's nice to know I'm welcome. The discount doesn't hurt, either. I'd be extremely broke if I didn't have it.

7. My church. The people I've encountered at CCF have been nothing but wonderful. I love going to church on Sundays knowing that, even if I come by myself, I won't feel alone. They've accepted me with open arms, and continue to support me, and give me opportunities I could have never dreamed of.

8. ABC Family. They're playing amazing movies today. Beauty and the Beast gave me the chills, I DVR'd Snow White, and of course I sang every Mary Poppins song as it played.

9. Freedom of religion. Lately, it's been on my heart a LOT. Christians in other parts of the world are being KILLED for their faith, and others have to hide their Bibles. Living in the US gives me the freedom to be a Christian, and although I may be judged and/or tested, I'm lucky that's the extent of it.

The list goes on, and on, but that just about covers the basics.
I hope that everyone had an amazing Thanksgiving, and the holidays are as stressless as they can be!

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus"
-1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

"Epidemic Failure"

I feel like someone just reached down my throat and punched my insides. I know I'm dramatic, but that's the only way I can explain the way I feel right now. I have a huge lump in my throat, which is holding back everything I want to say and cry about.


Nice guys (and girls) seem to always finish last.
What the eff is up with that?


9 weeks can't come any sooner.
Oh wait, that won't be much of an escape anymore, will it?



I repeat, be strong and brave! Don't be afraid and don't panic, for I, the Lord your God, am with you in all you do"
-Joshua 1:9

Sheet Curtains!

In an effort to make my new room presentable for Thanksgiving, I worked for a few hours yesterday on my room.

Guess what I did..
Made curtains out of a bed sheet!

Because I don't have much wiggle room financially, with Biola tuition and Christmas coming up, my mom told me she saw the idea on TV and I gave it a try. It's really easy to do, and you don't even have to sew! (Unless you'd prefer it :P). And, it ends up looking like real curtains, promise :)

1. Take a sheet (Mine was just a twin size) and fold it length-wise. Think 'hot dog' if you're used to elementary school folding terms :)
2. Cut down the entire fold so you have two identical pieces
3. Take out the hem on the top part of the sheet (The part that folds over)
4. Put up, and pull back with a ribbon (Or whatever. I just used a black ribbon because I didn't want to buy anything)

Voila!

That really is all I had to do. Obviously, you can sew the side that was cut, but for those of us who can't sew to save our lives, it still turns out pretty well without a new hem :)



I'm falling in love with my room! I can't wait to see it when's it's finished :)

Thanksgiving's coming up! I'm excited to see my family, and I'm trying to be thankful on more days than Thursday... Look at what you have, and compare it to people in a 3rd world country. I guarantee you'll feel silly for having so many wants. I know I did!

It's Davis' birthday today! Bon fire at Austin's.. Can't wait for yummy smore's, friends, and rain!!


:)

You Are My Everything

This is hard to do, because I don't particularly enjoy showing my emotions, and/or being vulnerable, but praise is deserved where praise is due...


Everyday is painful. Everyday I go through situations in my mind. Everyday I question, and there is almost never a time where I'm not thinking about it.

Last night I realized how much worse I would feel without Jesus. He doesn't completely take me off the hook, but He's there, and keeping me realistically optimistic (Oxymoron.. It happens). He keeps me from going over the deep end, and getting so wrapped up in this, that I obsess over it to the point where it's my life.

HE is my life, and He keeps me aware of it. When I am fully able to have both, He will give it to me.
Mark my words.


"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
-C.S. Lewis


"With all creation, I sing
You are the Kings of Kings
You are my everything,
and I will adore You"

This Too Shall Pass.

...and I know that. I wish you'd put your faith in God because then you'd know that too. I'm not supposed to be the strong one that keeps everyone from falling apart, and I'm not going to feel sorry for leaving anymore.

I can't, and I won't.

God's Never Late...

..Nor is He early

Sometimes I think we, as Christ followers, often forget that. I know that I am a prime example.

If I don't have complete trust in Christ with my present/future, me going to Biola could seem like a sabotage, of sorts, for certain situations in my life. Because I know that Biola is the next step, I know that other steps in my life that I might selfishly want now, won't begin until God says it's time. It doesn't matter what I want, because this isn't my life.

It's funny, because for a few days I've been thinking about this, but it wasn't until Tuesday night at Jr. High group, that I was able to breathe and not think of Biola as a compromise for other parts of my life... I started to feel bad or like a letdown for leaving, but while preparing for the lesson, I realized that I don't need to feel like a burden because I'm not... God carries that burden for me, and knows when to put situations/people into my life, at EXACTLY the right time. I'll never be able to know the right time for things on my own, so why obsess over them?

I know that at Jr. High group I'm supposed to be a teacher, but I end up learning so much.. The right lesson always comes at the right time.

Definitely not a coincidence :)

A Day of Beauty, Peace, Friends, and God

I'm not sure that I've ever been so excited to share a day I've had, or the feelings I felt. There were two main events from yesterday that I would love nothing more than to blog about..

Yesterday morning, while greeting fellow church goers, I felt the voice of God. Not too long ago, I read a blog about an assignment given to this guy where he had to go sit somewhere quiet for a few hours and just listen to God.. I was intrigued, and kind of confused. How is it possible to get your mind off of the world long enough to just listen to God? What do I need to do to experience that? Such questions like that shouldn't need to be asked, but because I'm such a stressful person, and my mind is always wandering, I can almost never keep my mind off of life for very long. Anyway, I had an area where not many people park at church, and was alone for the majority of the 20 minutes I was out there. All of a sudden, I just felt peaceful and so connected to the Lord. I'm not ashamed to admit that I felt the breeze flowing through the trees was a helpful reminder that He truly was right there with me. I just remember thinking not only how beautiful it was to be having a one-on-one with God before I even went into church to worship and praise him for an hour and fifteen minutes, but how beautiful the world He made truly was. I prayed, and soaked it all in, and left my one-on-one genuinely moved by the holy spirit in that small time I had in between arrivals.

Last night, instead of the usual college group message, we switched it up and had a bonfire at the beautiful house owned by the Randalls. Well, the house's beauty is indescribable (I was literally taken aback at how wonderful it was, and how honored I was to be able to just be a guest in it), which was the perfect scene. It started out as a night of smore's, hot chocolate, tours of the house, and laughter about "ambers," but once we settled down Jordan grabbed his guitar and we started to worship. Let me tell you, there is no better worship, in my opinion, than worship at a bonfire. There was no shame as we sang some of my personal favorite worship songs. I felt so connected to the people around me and it was so wonderful to share this moment with them. After worship, Mark Randall brought down his guitar and we had a little "jam session" consisting of songs from The Cure, The Beatles, Colbie Caillat, and others. I sat in my chair, buried under a blanket, and just looked around in awe at how blessed I am, and thought "I could do this everyday for the rest of my life." I thought about my day, and how peaceful it had been. I thanked the Lord, and continued to listen to my FRIENDS singing and playing guitars.

These people I spend every Sunday evening with aren't just my "church friends," they're more than that. As Ryan Royer said last night, it was a BOND fire, and I look forward to seeing each and every one of them weekly. Sunday's truly are my favorite day of the week

As I finish this blog, I'm wandering back to the three feelings I felt yesterday...


Peaceful. Beautiful. Blessed.

This Blog Brought To You From...

My new room!

So how's life been?
Pretty fan-flippin-tastic, if I do say so myself.


1. My house!
I've been here since Friday, and although I call my room 'the prison cell,' I really like it. It's nice and cozy, and I can't wait to make it even cozier as I begin to bring more stuff over :) Speaking of that, I still have far too much to bring over. Luckily, we have the doll house for another 12 days, and I have 5 days off this week (yeah, I know, weird, but I think that's God's way of giving me some time to actually move for an entire day). It's an awesome house, complete with a park around the corner from my house WITH SWINGS!! Plus, I like being able to leave for church 5 minutes before it starts and still being on time :P

2. Me time!
It's baaaccckkkk! After work on Wednesday, I went to Panera and read Matthew while eating delicious food. "Me time" keeps me from going insane... SERIOUSLY.

3. Biola!!!
I'm living on a very small budget until I leave, but I know it'll be worth it. I'm known for using exact change whenever I can, but I have gotten rid of that habit in order to save every bit of change I get to put in my "Biola fund" (also known as my kitty bank). I get paid on Friday, and once I get my paycheck, I'm sending off my deposits for housing and tuition! Eeeek! So exciting :)


Remember the blog about letting go? So far so good. I mean, I've taken about 5 steps forward, and 2 steps back, but it's growth and that's what matters :)


So my week is going to be insane: Work, [more] moving, Jr. High group, Beauty and the Beast (maybe?), SLO to see Mae!!, [more and more] moving, unpacking, decorating my room, a wee bit more of working, and then hopefully by Sunday, I can treat it as the Sabbath, keeping it holy by resting :)

--->My only apprehension is money, though. Can I really afford to see Beauty and the Beast and Mae on the week that I'm supposed to send $550 to Biola?? Hmmm... Only a few more days to decide!



Okay, now I'm off to college group to see my studly friends after their not-so-studly dodgeball performance today. Just kidding! They were my favorite to watch... even if Jordan was only wearing little baby shorts. *gags* :P

:):):):):):):D:):):):)

I GOT ACCEPTED INTO BIOLA!!!!!

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.
I'm in?!?!!?!

I can't believe it.

My response to everyone has had the word (if it's even a word) "eeeeeekkkkkkkk!!"
...And the number of each letter differs on the person.

I've been accepted for the Spring '11 semester which means I will move down to LA the end of January and begin classes January 31st.


Holy moly, it's happening

Take No More.

"Take it, take it all
Take all that I have
I'd give it all away just to get you back

And fake it, fake it all
Take what I can get

And I can slow it out
Can you hear me yet"


Today, I decided to pull away from something that means an awful lot to me.
I have put too much effort in to something which has not glorified the Lord in the least, and ultimately has been a big waste of time.
Distance is the best thing at this point.

I know this is vague, but these details are better left unsaid.

Thank you God for gracing me with the strength to be content with this decision when I thought that I'd for sure be miserable.

Philippians 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"




*Thank yous also go to Cori and Abby for helping me realize that this is the best option. I love you two, and am so blessed to have your support

Haunting

My mind likes to fill with clutter.. LOTS of clutter.
But Lately, this clutter seems to blur with random thoughts of my past.
No, not the past that's usually spoken of, but the past passion I had...
Doing ANYTHING to become a doctor

I constantly find myself filled with so many emotions about medicine, and it just recently began.

Even now, I'm having trouble coming up with ways to put this feeling into words.

But over the past couple of months, I've had this random yearning to be back in the world of medicine. And yes, I will admit that everytime I look at Derek Shepherd, I can't help but be jealous that he is a neurosurgeon. Almost a year ago I went through this; weighing out the pros and cons to medicine, and realizing I didn't have the drive to put that much effort into it. I don't know why I'm doing it again, but it's haunting me.

I can't tell if this is just a phase, or if I really am supposed to do this with my life, but while I pray about it, and let it 'simmer,' time will tell just what this means.

Let's just say that I'm very lucky I still have general ed to finish and have the time to explore different options.

Ain't It A Glorious Day?

"Oh, it's a jolly holiday with you, Bert 
Gentlemen like you are few 
Though your just a diamond in the rough, Bert 
Underneath your blood is blue.  
You'd never think of pressing your advantage 
For bearance is the hallmark of your creed 
A lady needn't fear, when you are near 
Your sweet gentility is crystal clear. 
Oh, it's a jolly holiday with you, Bert 
A jolly, jolly holiday with you."

Time Together Isn't Ever Quite Enough

Today, I found out we got the house we applied for.

Great.

I know I should be excited, I really should be, but I'm so in love with the house I live in now that I just don't want to move.

The house I'm typing this blog in symbolizes my new life. We got the keys on October 30th 2009, and that was the same night I met my first batch of CCFers. It was the first night I began turning my life around.

This house has so many memories in the small time we lived in it.

Gah, it's just so... perfect.

I know, I know, I know... This is better. It's less expensive meaning less stress will be put on my dad, and it will be an overall happier place.

But I don't want to leave this place. This is my home.

Moving date: Nov. 5th

Better start saying goodbye :(

Ahhhhhh!

My life feels so cluttered and out of control right now!!

Before I get into that, my birthday was absolutely amazing! I can't even begin to explain how happy I was that day. I was surrounded by wonderful people, both family and friends, and even though I didn't have a party or anything too birthday-like, I had so much fun!

Highlight: 10 PM run around Clark/The MET with Rae, the Michaels, Austin, Stephen, and Jordan. (Also, seeing Robby, Ry T., and Ryan afterward of course :) ).

Lowlight: My birthday present from the world (because I'm not quite sure if mother nature is in charge of sicknesses?) was getting sick. Bleh. The worst part? I'm getting more sick as every day passes!! So frustrating. It wasn't too bad until I went to SLO this weekend. Now I'm back, and miserable. It is my fault, though, because I'm too stubborn to get any rest. But still, awful timing!! :(

So now my life full of clutter...

1. Sick

2. Fraud... For the second time

3. My room is a mess

4. Going to Disneyland this weekend

5. Not getting many hours at work, yet still feeling like I'm working too much

6. My TiVO is full!! (Okay, not a big deal, but if you have ever had a full TiVO, you know how I feel)

7. Unbelievably large amounts of dirty laundry

8. No 'me' time lately (I need lots of quiet time)

To be honest, typing it all out probably isn't doing it justice to how crazy my head feels.

Some of these are very small, but they all seem to tie into each other in some way.

Fraud+Account frozen+No money+Disneyland this weekend+Lack of hours becoming a bad thing= STRESS

Sick+Laundry piling up+Not being able to clean room+Full TiVO+No quiet time=CLUTTER

I feel like this will pass when my cold does, but I can't help but stress about the craziness I call my life.

Tayler. Stop, and breathe. One thing at a time.

First up, GET BETTER!!

(Maybe get rid of this fraud crap in the process)

*Side note: I like working the amount of hours I work a week. It's caused me to have more time for things, but with me being sick, it just doesn't seem like that at the moment.

Just Another Birthday?

There once was a little girl who absolutely adored her birthday. She had always been younger than most of the kids her age, so she treated her birthday as a celebration of FINALLY catching up with the other kids. She turned 13 on a Tuesday in 8th grade. As the school day progressed, she realized everyone forgot her birthday.. There was no one to celebrate this catch-up with her... Not even the girls who she thought were her best friends.

That little girl was me.

If you've always wondered why I get excited about my birthdays, and talk about it for weeks in advance, that story above is why. I don't do it for attention (as much as I may like the attention given), I do it because of the pain that Tuesday caused. Eighth grade was a year full of brokenness and confusion, and the forgotten birthday was just the beginning.

I don't explain this story for you to feel sorry for me, my only request is that you just humor me as my birthday approaches, because underneath all of this "excitement" is actually the fear that it will be just another birthday where I'm the only one who remembers.

I [finally] turn 19 in two days, and I already feel like my birthday has been a celebration. Blessed doesn't even begin to explain how I feel.

Thank you SO much God for the kindness you provide my life with day after day.

My Day Off.

I told myself that I wouldn't get out of PJ's today (granted my pajamas consist of sweat pants, a white t shirt, and a zip up). I did all of the things I was supposed to do today in the same clothes I slept in last night. Success.

But, I'm resorting to putting on jeans for junior high group, and tea with Stephanie afterward.

I'm still leaving the shirt and zip up on though, so it still counts, right?

Much needed day off from work.

Great day :)

Just Because

There really is no point to this blog. I just wanted to say these things before I go babysit.

It's been an interesting time trying to sleep tonight because of two reasons:

1. I was almost completely out the door at 3:37 to go babysit, then realized I was an hour early.

2. I just got woken up in the middle of the climax of a nightmare.. I'm a little shaken up to say the least.

I still have some time before I need to leave, but I'm wide awake and not going back to sleep.

For lack of a better phrase, holy crap.

Finding Joy

Yesterday was a bad day. I was very sick, and not really myself. All I could think was "Can January come any quicker???"

I don't WANT to think that for the rest of the time that I'm here.

I haven't even heard back from Biola yet, which makes that thought all the more miserable because if I don't get accepted, January will come and go like every other month.

So I decided that today, even if something big doesn't happen, I'm going to find joy in the little things I often look passed.

It's not even noon yet, and I've already felt blessed joy in so many different things. So much so that I don't even want to wait on this blog. I felt as if I must post it now.

Today, I love... (not in any particular order)

Hot tea with honey and cream (it's become a new daily ritual), new music, good health, The Smiths, the weather, my best friend being in town, water, my house (I'm really going to miss it when my family moves), my hair (it looks surprisingly decent for putting it up while it was still wet), the ability to write/type out my thoughts, Jesus, Stephen Morales for the awesome opportunities he continues to throw my way, Biola, being able to hang out with my friends tomorrow night, my best friends making their dream come true by going on tour, laundry, my parents, this day.

I hope to expand this throughout the day, but probably won't post it.

I'm trying to remember that some of the best parts of the day are often missed because I'm so focused on something bigger and better to happen. I should rejoice in what I have now, because that's more than enough.

January will get here when it's supposed to.

Putting My Passion to Good Use

I like to write... Obviously.

With how much I have going on it's hard for me to keep in touch with a lot of people that I care about. Lately, I've been trying to think of ways to stay in their lives even when I can't physically be there.

I've decided that I will start writing to the people I love.

Letters, texts, Facebook comments, whatever.

Little things to say to them to make them smile, and know that I love them.

Even just thanking them for being such a blessing.

I'm tired of feeling so disconnected from the world. Hopefully this will change that :)

Maybe...

Maybe it's the song that I'm listening to. Or maybe it's the weather bringing it out. Or maybe it's just because I'm addressing some of my innermost spiritual feelings. But writing this essay for Biola is making me emotional... I feel like I haven't even made a dent into it yet.

Must. Do. This. Now.

Can't. Cry. In. Public.

Maybe I need a break?

No Explanation Necessary

"For to live is Christ, and to die is gain."

--Philippians 1:21

Worry-Wart

A few days ago, I wrote a journal entry about something that was on my heart: Worrying. I read through it today and decided to post it to the internet.

Worrying: 8/31

"Lately, I've been worrying a lot. Last night, after a long night at work, I was stressed. All of a sudden I felt this overwhelming amount of comfort. It was as if God was trying to tell me that it's okay, and that He will take my burdens. He wanted me to sleep, and prepare for the next day.

I always try to remember that if I'm worried, and feel like, "Okay God, help me out! Why aren't you doing anything?" it just means that He's not worried so I shouldn't be either. :)"

I also posted a couple verses that really helped me 'feel the love'

Matthew 6:25-27: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Isn't there more to life than food and more to the body than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky: They do not sow, or reap, or gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren't you more valuable than they are? And which of you by worrying can add even one hour to his life?"

Matthew 11:28: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

I've had Matthew 11:28 in my head all week, and I really find it a huge comfort in my current life. I needn't be such a worry-wart :P

___________________________________________________

In other news, I FINALLY finished The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe! I laughed, I cried, and I fell in love with Aslan. Such a wonderful book. I can't wait to read the rest!

2 down, 5 to go..

Next up: The Horse and His Boy

Meet Berlioz...

The newest addition to my life :)

Currently playing: Always Forever by Phil Wickham

Roller Coaster.

I'm not sure what I did wrong, but apparently it was enough to be ignored by one of the people I care for most.

Should I be surprised? Probably not.

It seems to happen every few months.

I thought maybe this time would be different, though.

Please, please, please stop.

This roller coaster is really painful.

I love you, I really do.

I wish you could be consistent..

Better Fit?

I'm sure this comes as no surprise, but I've been doing a lot of thinking, lately.. About school.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I just don't fit in at a normal college. I don't do anything that a normal college student does. In fact, I never have. When I think about transferring to schools that I used to think about transferring to (UCLA), I get really nervous because I just can't see myself enjoying it.

So this made me think, okay, well I'll just go to a private Christian college.

That would be AMAZING. I would love to focus on biblical studies. Maybe not major in it, but minor, if I can, or at least take the classes the school requires. At this point, I want my education to correspond with my religious beliefs.

I start thinking about schools... Fresno Pacific was my first choice because, well, it's in Fresno, and it would be the easy route. A few problems though, including the fact that it's the EASY choice, and it just doesn't seem to fit with me.

Where else? APU, Point Loma, Cal Baptist, Biola...

Biola.

Might as well be called "Perfect for Tayler University"

Seriously, though.

1. The doctrine better fits me.

2. They take transfers with ANY amount of units. (I have 23)

3. Bib studies is a required minor

4. Chapel 3 times a week (minimum)

5. Conservative

6. Great financial aid

7. Contract requiring NO use of alcohol or drugs.

8. Great missionary programs.

9. Heck, great programs in general!

10. Evangelism is important

11. All of the classes use Christianity and/or Christian authors for text.

The list goes on..

I mean, I get excited just thinking about it! Obviously, I'm going to pray, and make sure it's a step in the right direction, but I'm thinking that after I go talk to a Fresno State advisor I'll do the "early action" application deadline for Fall '11. I'll find out in January if they've accepted me, and I'll go from there! I'll probably have to take the Spring '11 semester off, but I'll do summer school to catch up.

I know I make a lot of "plans" and don't follow through, but I'm 100% serious about this.

I really have a good feeling about this one.

"I Will Give You Rest"

I'm stuck at a standstill.

I don't know where to go from here.

Life is good, right? Not so sure.

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I do, however, know that God is faithful.

He'll take me in the right direction if I let him.

Matthew 11:28

Stumbled Upon..

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever"

-Winnie the Pooh

Disney is phenomenal.

God Knows What He's Doing.

Man, it's been awhile since I've blogged.

I've been quiet, and weird lately.

Things have been happening that I've had trouble comprehending. Well, at least it's been a very slow process. Let me catch you up on the heart of my weirdness...

I am enrolled at Fresno State, and school is my forte. Seriously. I actually enjoy school, and all summer I've said "Can school just start already!!" because I just can't wait! It doesn't hurt that I can't wait to start studying theatre and english.

Finally, school starts on Monday! I'm not too excited now. In fact, thinking about it causes a lump in my throat.

Oh, I forgot to mention that the lump is because I'm not going.

I can't afford school unless I'm offered financial aid, or at the very least, the option of a loan.

See, a little over a year ago my dad lost his construction company due to this wonderful (sarcasm) economy. I have constant problems with FAFSA because, for some reason unknown to me, the financial aid people see no problem with my family's income. In one small year, we lost a company, a house, two cars, all insurance, financial security, our yearly vacations to Cayucos, and a lot of domestic happiness. I obviously can't afford school if we barely make it by the skin of our teeth.

At the very least, I'm usually offered a loan, then in September, I go back in, show my dad's unemployment stub, and they offer me financial aid (even though I already paid for tuition with a loan).

Tuition was due on July 31st, and I didn't hear from financial aid in time. I knew it was coming but when I received a letter and an email confirming my disenrollment just a few days later, I felt sick.

That night, at a small growth group for church, I learned that I had the spiritual gift of faith. It may have been a silly questionnaire that put it out there, but having school, the one thing I've always relied on, taken right from under me, confirmed it.

But why do I have so much faith in my God?

I prayed, and thought a lot about it, and saw that this semester is going to be a huge time of growth. I said it right from the beginning, that I don't know what is going to happen, but all I know is that something huge, EPIC even, will happen to me and God doesn't want me to be so invested in school that I miss it.

God knows what He's doing.

What am I going to be up to for the next four months?

1. Read, and learn more about God, which will in turn cause me to learn about myself.

2. Work, work, work, and save up to go back to school. Financial aid isn't reliable, so it'd be nice to help.

3. Decide if State is really worth it at the moment. (Possible transfer to Willow/City in the near future!)

4. Help out with youth group. This has been on my heart for a little over a month now, and, after talking to Stephen (youth pastor) and my managers, it's been worked out so I can start helping! I'm going to be brought outside of my comfort level, and it's exactly what I want. I'm so incredibly excited!

I've already learned that school shouldn't be the most important thing to me. It's NOT a constant. The only constant in my life is God, and He will never be a variable (Math nerd :P). Maybe I just like school because that's where I'm comfortable? I'm learning that I learn and grow the most when I'm outside of my element.

Funny how that happens, huh? It's a God thing. He knows what He's doing.

"And In That Moment, I Swear We Were Infinite"

Yesterday, I went to Ikea for the first time EVER. My best friend Kasey accompanied me on the trip, and it was so much fun! We got lost so many times on our way to and fro Sacramento, but found great adventures throughout the entire trip.

Ikea is amazing. I was able to buy a lamp, a pillow, a pillow case, a bed frame, and a CD/DVD holder for $109! I didn't realize Ikea could be so cheap, but have such great finds! I can't speak for Kasey, but I know that I definitely felt like I was in the Disneyland of home furnishing stores.

On the way home, we found a beautiful field full of sunflowers after a quick stop at Target. Look how beautiful it was!

I love that random trips can make a day unforgettable.

I am so blessed.

P.S. Kasey leaves for SLO in 11 days. It's coming up quick, and I'm not okay with it.

Thin Skin?

Yesterday, caused me to lose more faith in mankind.

I don't understand how people can be so rude, or needy.

We get random rude people at work daily, but the genuine people usually come in at the perfect times to save the day. Yesterday, this did NOT happen. It was just rude, after rude, after rude. They were in packs, and I was overwhelmed.

I am so blessed that I have Jesus to remind me that there's something bigger than this corrupt world we live in. Going through these trials (as small as this trial may be) will only make me stronger, which is why He puts them in my life. And, I also know that this comes with the job, and I like to think I have thick enough skin to deal with these people, but yesterday was a hard day.

I couldn't even enjoy myself when I was with my friends last night.

I go into work in about an hour and a half, and I'm nervous to deal with these people again.

All I can do is pray, and have faith that God will make this day better than the last.

Just A Fake.

I'm afraid that sometimes I try to be something that I'm not.

I catch myself saying "Oh, I want to do that like [insert name here]" and it makes me sad.

And question.

It's like in The Magician's Nephew:

"...'Of course it can't really have been singing,' he thought, 'I must have imagined it. I've been letting my nerves get out of order. Who ever heard of a lion singing? And the longer and more beautiful the Lion sang, the harder Uncle Andrew tried to make himself believe that he could hear nothing but roaring. Now the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed. Uncle Andrew did. He soon did hear nothing but roaring in Aslan's song. Soon he couldn't have heard anything else even if he had wanted to."

Uncle Andrew was so convinced that the Lion was roaring that, even though Aslan was singing, eventually all Uncle Andrew heard was roaring. I feel like we can be compared to Uncle Andrew when we try to be anything but ourselves. We get so caught up in the acts that we forget what's real and what's not.

In high school, that was me. I'm a new person now, and I don't think I do it anymore, but I get nervous that, because I spent so much time trying to be all of these other people for so long, maybe I am still putting on an act. I'm afraid that I'm like Uncle Andrew and I don't know the difference anymore.

I need to figure out who I'm supposed to be.

All I can do is pray about it and really ask God who I am, because in the end, he's the only person that knows.

I feel like I'm on the right track.

Let's hope I'm right.

Food for Thought

I have this on-going problem with someone who should be near and dear to my heart. There's this, eh, tension between us, and it's a roller coaster of battles and arguments and, ultimately, stress.

It's caused me to be unhappy at home (unless I'm by myself in my room). I hate feeling miserable at home, and I don't feel that it's fair to my family either, but I just can't help but feel that way.

It's this never ending cause and effect type of situation, and I always try to go back to the beginning. Why can't I be home without being in a somber mood? Why do these arguments continue to happen and why do they always start from nothing? I have plenty of theories on how this started and why we have this tension, but what I didn't realize was that the original cause wasn't the answer I should have been seeking...

Last night, on a car ride with a great friend, I was reminded that prayer was the answer I should have been looking for. I can try to theorize all I want, but ultimately, I need to seek God for help. He doesn't want to see me broken, sad or anything else but happy, and if I'm willing to ask, He will help me. Even if I feel like I can't show genuine love to someone at the moment, I can ask God to show His love for the person through me and God will provide.

So that got me thinking, and praying, and I can honestly say I already feel better! I can't believe it took me so long to realize that all I needed was to pray about it. I prayed for the ability to show compassion and love to my mom, and, even if I don't feel like I can at the moment, I prayed that he will show His love for her through me. I'm relying on him to mend this relationship. This process is not going to be solved soon, and that's okay, but as long as I feel that I'm being fair when things are going well between us, then I can rest easily.

So think about this...

God tells us to pray for our enemies, and although 'enemy' is extreme for my situation, it suits our everyday lives. We have enemies, and God wants us to pray for them because He knows how big of a deal it is for us to rise above and actually wish great things for our enemies. Because God sees the effort put in by us, it causes us to be closer to the person God wants us to be, and He will reward us greatly.

Next time you are around people you don't particularly get along with (which happens more often than we like to admit), I urge you to pray about the person, and ask God to show His love for that person through you, and you'd be surprised at how easy it is for you to converse and surround yourself with people who you would consider to be your enemies.

*Special thanks to Kristen Katchadourian for helping me see all of this, and helping jump start the healing process between my mom and I.

Just! Do! It! Already!

Yesterday, I made a list of things I want/need to do in order to get my career going. I thought I'd make it public..

(There are still some tweaks that need to be made considering I'm not 100% sure about it all. I still need to talk to an advisor about my major(s))

1. Change major -> Double in Theatre and English

2. Study EVERY area of theatre

3. Get involved with community and school theatre

4. Write for small columns or editorials

5. Study abroad! -> In an extremely cultured area of Ireland, preferably.

6. Build up resume for both writing and theatre

7. Internships in NYC

8. Graduate with a degree in Theatre, and in English

9. Get masters in Theatre Production or Journalism (have to figure out which one will be more beneficial)

10. Be happy :)

Hopefully that will all help me make a living as an Artistic Director and a part-time writer :)

Any advice? PLEASE let me know. I'd really love to hear it.

Mexico!

So I'm back in Fresno, at least for awhile, and I have today and tomorrow off.

Finally, the resting, blogging, and unpacking begins!

...Or so I hope.

And now, the blog I've been extremely excited to post about... MEXICO!!!

Here goes nothing..

I went into the week of Mexico expecting to grow closer to the Lord, help a church, and hoping to remember most of my high school Spanish. I was nervous, and besides for those few things, I had no idea what to expect. My friends who had gone before told me stories about past experiences, but nothing really prepared me for what was to come. I was extremely eager to get the week started, and now I can say that feeling is an understatement of what I should have felt..

The minute we crossed the border into Mexico, I had one of those "we're not in Kansas anymore" moments. The lifestyle there is so much different than our American way, and that was obvious from the get go; graffiti absolutely everywhere, dogs, and trash. Coming from America where we have so much, whether we like to believe it or not, the houses just didn't look livable.

Because we didn't get into camp until after dark, Sunday morning was the first time I actually saw the campsite. It was beautiful! Yes, we were in tents, and there were no showers (this was actually the first year with running toilets), but I almost felt spoiled at that campsite. We were in the hills (which is probably about as high past sea level as we are here in Fresno), and you could see the fog on it's way out. Such a wonderful thing to see.

We did a lot of fun things during the week, including La Bufadora, almost-daily trips to the taco stand, and Calimax every morning to get unbelievably delicious tortillas and avocados. But ultimately, we weren't there for vacation. I mean, at times it felt like a vacation just because of how much fun the people, kids, and worship songs were, but we were there for God. We were there to spread his love to the children from our church in Mexico, and, you know, I think we made Him proud.

There were a ton of things that I learned/experienced on this trip, but because I don't want to bore you with the longest blog post known to mankind, I'm just going to focus on the ones that impacted me the most..

First, the lack of technology. I thought, for sure, that I was going to go crazy without the use of the internet, my computer, or my phone. I amazed myself by the fact that I didn't even WANT to use any of those things. I could have used my phone, but I didn't. It stayed on airplane mode all week (except on Father's Day when I called my dad, and on the last day when I called my mom to let her know I was still alive. Ha). It was almost liberating to know that if I had no technology, I'd be okay. I was surrounded by people and so focused on the mission that Chandler (my phone) wasn't even a thought in my mind.

I also still think about the kids, and Lupita and Enrique (the pastors) ALL the time. They were all so wonderful and I could truly see Jesus in the ways they acted. They honestly don't have many materialistic things, but that doesn't stop them. The kids would just light up when we came around. I had a really hard time with the language barrier, but they still found ways to open up to me and make me feel like they truly cared for all of us. Lupita and Enrique were so grateful for us being there, but I think by the end, we were all grateful for them. It was so incredibly hard to leave them on Thursday. We grew so attached, and learned so so so so much from them that it just felt impossible to leave them.

What I feel was most important from the trip, is my growth with God. I'm honestly choking up as I write this because the trip did so many things for my relationship with Him! There was only one moment in the entire week where I didn't feel him, and that was because of my own problem I was having where I was focusing on something I shouldn't have been. He was just so present during the week. I mean, we went to Mexico without an interpreter, prayed for one, and within an hour we were given the most amazing interpreter, and friend, David. That's just so amazing!

We had chapel twice a day, with long, but very moving messages, and we just always made sure to keep our focus on God. One morning we got to go anywhere on the property that we wanted and we were given a scripture to read. I took advantage of the 'anywhere' and found a giant rock with a beautiful view. I wish I could find my notebook right now because I'd love to share what I read about, but I just can't.

A few of the night chapels were so moving they brought me to tears. We had a candlelight service, and on the last night we nailed our burdens to the cross. I think that was the final step in me letting go of my past, and I will never forget that night. Harley and I did ours together, and after hearing her talk about how similar we felt about our past, I couldn't have been luckier than to partner up with her. We had trouble getting ours in there, so it caused a little laughter, but it was a very serious, and like I continue to say, moving moment.

All in all, I was extremely blessed to have been able to go on that missions trip. I plan on going to many more, and even hope to go to some other mission trips to other parts of the world. I was surrounded by the greatest group of people, all of whom were already my friends, or became my friends.

I think that we were all at our most vulnerable state that week, and the fact that it didn't hurt any friendships, in fact it made them stronger, is saying something about our small group of 16.

I'm so happy I got to be a part of their learning experience.

The last night we all talked about the trip, and just said any thoughts that came to our mind. I won't get into detail, but one person said that they get on the 'Mexico Jesus high' and come back home, something happens, and they lose that excitement. They wanted all of us to hold them accountable when we got back, but I think that could be said about us all. We all need to hold each other accountable, because if we stay on that Mexico Jesus high, shoot, we can do anything. It's just the best feeling, and I don't want to lose it.

So that's my trip. It was so liberating and I can't wait until next year. I pray for those kids as often as possible, and it's my goal to keep them on the right track.

And now for the fun part.. pictures! :)

Back to Reality

I got back from Mexico on Friday evening, but have been running NONSTOP since I got home. I feel like I haven't had time for anything..

All I want to do is rest, and blog about the trip!

Hopefully I'll be able to blog about the amazing time I had before I leave town again on Thursday.

But, of course, I can't guarantee that I will because I have to work, clean, do laundry, pack again, and deal with reality. Working isn't a big deal because I'm so blessed to have the job that I have, and it's also poses as a distraction with all of the conflict I've been having since I got home.

Conflicts: Home life, friend life, and love life (or I guess what I thought was a love life).

I'm really nervous that because of these problems, I'll leave all of the growth I made with the Lord in Mexico and I'll focus on earthly things again.

I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that I still want to be in Mexico, but with everything going on:

Take me back to Mexico please.

7 Days!

Yesterday, I got a tetanus shot... My arm is very sore.

It did kind of hit me, though, that this time next week I WILL BE IN MEXICO!! Oh my goodness, I can't even begin to explain how excited I am! Not only will I be serving the Lord and growing closer in my walk with God, but I will be experiencing all of this with some of my best friends! It's going to be so amazing! I cannot wait! I am nervous for the trip, only because I'm afraid of many things, and those fears will be put to the test. Also, I know how exhausting, and trying it will be. However, I know that I have God on my side, and He'll keep me safe.

I need to start getting in the mindset for this trip, and of course packing! Ahhh so much to do!

:)

A Few Years Too Late?

Remember when I said that I have a 'passion for all things art?' If you know me from high school, you're probably extremely confused. It took awhile for me to realize this "passion". Let me explain...

Ever since about 1st grade, I wanted to be a doctor. At least, that's what I thought. I went through pretty much my entire schooling (so far) with the goal of becoming a doctor, preferably a surgeon. I pushed myself further than I ever could, and went through the teen years that I've experienced being so completely hard on myself that I thought that I couldn't be anything but perfect. Believe me, I made a TON of mistakes, all of which I blamed on being distracted. But, I look back at these distractions, and almost feel like I was subconsciously rebelling against myself. I was under my own sick spell where I convinced myself that I could attain perfection, and that what it took to be a doctor was going to make me happy. I was so far under this spell that I didn't even see the warning signs that could have helped me sooner.

So I graduate high school. I go to college and major in Biology with an emphasis in Physiology/Anatomy. Perfect for my future career, right? Nope. I take the general biology class required for my major (Please note that it's only a general biology class) and do awful. Luckily, my professor was amazing and helped me out a lot. In fact, he's become sort of a mentor to me. Because I may mention him later in this post, we'll call him Dr. ACU. Anyway, me doing poorly in a general biology class should have been a huge red flag that I'm studying the wrong area, but no, I come up with more excuses... "Oh, this is just a big transition for me" or "Well, it's biology, and I'm good at chemistry" or even "I just don't know how to study yet." All of these were things I said to myself because I didn't want to believe that biology wasn't right for me.

My second semester starts and I'm enrolled in chemistry. Let me just set up my original Monday night schedule for last semester: I went to school from 9:15 AM-6:45 PM, with classes full of science and math (A 3 hour chem lab after an already hard day of school? I think not). Over Christmas break, I had done a lot of growing, so I was already starting to believe that science wasn't right for me, but since we register for classes in October, I was stuck. A few weeks into the semester, I had already been having a rough day, and I went into my chem lab. I found out that I had done the wrong pre-lab. Awesome. I start doing the required pre-lab and it makes absolutely no sense! And then it hit me, and I quote, "I hate science, and science hates me" <--(I literally texted that to my best friend while sitting in class.) So my lab FINALLY ends, and I decide that I'm not going to my last class of the day because I'm just overwhelmed with so many emotions; disappointment, sadness, fear, and stress. I cried the entire 20 minute drive home from school that night.

I set up a meeting with Dr. ACU to talk about what to do because that's it, that night was the moment I decided I was done with science/biology/medicine/torture. I was free, but I was extremely sad. I mean, how could you not be sad after the dream you had for 13 years is all of a sudden not your dream anymore? I didn't have any back ups! Luckily, and sheesh what an angel Dr. ACU is, he made me better about the situation... Way better than I ever thought I could feel at that moment in time. Basically, I now had the chance to do anything my little heart desired! How exhilarating and awesome is that? All I had to do was find what interests me, and what makes me happy. So, I prayed about it a LOT, and I did some soul searching.

The entire time I was focused on science, I always loved plays, music, art, movies, writing, reading, etc. A lot of the time, my love for those things were pushed aside because of various reasons, and I never really paid attention to them like I wanted. Once I was free from the world I once lived in called medicine, I fell in love with the arts all over again. And, that was it. I was sold.

So here we are. I'm about to start my second year in college, and I'm working on changing my major. I'm not 100% sure what part of the arts I'm most interested in, but I'm going to focus on theatre and english. I'm going to get over my fears of participating in theatre (fears I've held onto since elementary school), and, even though some people may argue that it's too late, I'm going to go for my dream wholeheartedly because this dream is better suited for me. It doesn't require excuses, or the perfection that I know I can't become, and it'll allow me to express my creative mind. It's the dream that's been patiently waiting for me to get over the hype of the old one.

This is what I will do for the rest of my life. At least, I sure hope so...

A Little Bit About Me

I started this blog because I love to write. It's always been fun for me. Although I would absolutely love to have a following, I'm not expecting to get many readers, so this is just going to be my outlet, of sorts. Somewhere down the line, I hope my posts will help someone, but that's just wishful thinking.

So who am I other than Tayler with an 'e' instead of an 'o' in her name? I'm 18 years old, and I just finished my first year of college. I live with my parents, younger sister, and three kitties.

I am a proud Christian, and am madly in love with Jesus Christ, but I haven't always been that way. I will mention my religious beliefs periodically, as it has helped me through hard times and will continue to do so, but I will do it in an appropriate manner, and won't shove it down anyone's throat. Promise.

I have a passion for all things art; theatre, writing, music, visual art, etc. I just can't help but be happy when I'm reading a good book, watching/listening/talking/learning about a good musical, or writing about things that I enjoy talking about. With this, I'm still learning, but I'll come back to that in a later post.

I tend to go against the norm, and unique is not a word too far fetched from the kind of person I am. I constantly find new things about myself that I think, "Yep, that makes sense. It definitely adds to you wanting to be different, Tayler." And that's the thing, I embrace the difference. In fact, I love it.

I try to appreciate everything that I can, and focus on the little things in life. After all, to me, caring for someone is finding little ways to show that you're thinking about them and that you pay attention to theirs likes and desires. (I figured out that that is my 'love language').

I try to read people the best that I can, and lighten moods. People say that I'm funny, but I just think of it as me trying not to be too serious all the time. If I can get a laugh or two out of someone, I can't help but laugh with the person. This is not because I think I'm funny, but because I believe that laughter is contagious, and also because it's extremely satisfying knowing that you made someone happy just by being you... And that's something to smile and laugh about.

And that's another thing about me, I try to make people happy. My loved ones are very important to me, and I care about other peoples' feelings, whether I know them personally or not. But, it's not always a good thing. Sometimes I get too invested in someone, and end up forgetting about my own feelings in order to make the other person happy. I'm trying to find a happy medium, here, and in a lot of other areas in my life. Rarely is life just 'black and white.' Sometimes that's hard to remember.

Don't get me wrong, I have made PLENTY of mistakes in my life, and hurt others, but, I can guarantee you that I have those in my mind haunting me, and that in my process of maturing, I'm learning how to handle situations better, causing less pain to other people (minus the pain that is obviously out of my control and comes with life, of course).

I mean, hey, you live and you learn, and you're here to grow constantly, in one way or another, right? At least, that's what I think.

Well, I think that shall do for now. I will elaborate on a lot of these complex qualities of mine in future posts, and you will start to learn more about my personality as we go (including the quirky parts), but these are the ones that seemed most important to get a grasp of who I am, and who I will be as a writer. If anyone is reading this, I'm glad to have you aboard, and a part of my journey, and I hope you enjoy my blogs! :)

Tayler

P.S. I started this blog out of inspiration from my friend's sister. If you're looking for a great blog to read, I highly suggest this.