A Few Years Too Late?

Remember when I said that I have a 'passion for all things art?' If you know me from high school, you're probably extremely confused. It took awhile for me to realize this "passion". Let me explain...

Ever since about 1st grade, I wanted to be a doctor. At least, that's what I thought. I went through pretty much my entire schooling (so far) with the goal of becoming a doctor, preferably a surgeon. I pushed myself further than I ever could, and went through the teen years that I've experienced being so completely hard on myself that I thought that I couldn't be anything but perfect. Believe me, I made a TON of mistakes, all of which I blamed on being distracted. But, I look back at these distractions, and almost feel like I was subconsciously rebelling against myself. I was under my own sick spell where I convinced myself that I could attain perfection, and that what it took to be a doctor was going to make me happy. I was so far under this spell that I didn't even see the warning signs that could have helped me sooner.

So I graduate high school. I go to college and major in Biology with an emphasis in Physiology/Anatomy. Perfect for my future career, right? Nope. I take the general biology class required for my major (Please note that it's only a general biology class) and do awful. Luckily, my professor was amazing and helped me out a lot. In fact, he's become sort of a mentor to me. Because I may mention him later in this post, we'll call him Dr. ACU. Anyway, me doing poorly in a general biology class should have been a huge red flag that I'm studying the wrong area, but no, I come up with more excuses... "Oh, this is just a big transition for me" or "Well, it's biology, and I'm good at chemistry" or even "I just don't know how to study yet." All of these were things I said to myself because I didn't want to believe that biology wasn't right for me.

My second semester starts and I'm enrolled in chemistry. Let me just set up my original Monday night schedule for last semester: I went to school from 9:15 AM-6:45 PM, with classes full of science and math (A 3 hour chem lab after an already hard day of school? I think not). Over Christmas break, I had done a lot of growing, so I was already starting to believe that science wasn't right for me, but since we register for classes in October, I was stuck. A few weeks into the semester, I had already been having a rough day, and I went into my chem lab. I found out that I had done the wrong pre-lab. Awesome. I start doing the required pre-lab and it makes absolutely no sense! And then it hit me, and I quote, "I hate science, and science hates me" <--(I literally texted that to my best friend while sitting in class.) So my lab FINALLY ends, and I decide that I'm not going to my last class of the day because I'm just overwhelmed with so many emotions; disappointment, sadness, fear, and stress. I cried the entire 20 minute drive home from school that night.

I set up a meeting with Dr. ACU to talk about what to do because that's it, that night was the moment I decided I was done with science/biology/medicine/torture. I was free, but I was extremely sad. I mean, how could you not be sad after the dream you had for 13 years is all of a sudden not your dream anymore? I didn't have any back ups! Luckily, and sheesh what an angel Dr. ACU is, he made me better about the situation... Way better than I ever thought I could feel at that moment in time. Basically, I now had the chance to do anything my little heart desired! How exhilarating and awesome is that? All I had to do was find what interests me, and what makes me happy. So, I prayed about it a LOT, and I did some soul searching.

The entire time I was focused on science, I always loved plays, music, art, movies, writing, reading, etc. A lot of the time, my love for those things were pushed aside because of various reasons, and I never really paid attention to them like I wanted. Once I was free from the world I once lived in called medicine, I fell in love with the arts all over again. And, that was it. I was sold.

So here we are. I'm about to start my second year in college, and I'm working on changing my major. I'm not 100% sure what part of the arts I'm most interested in, but I'm going to focus on theatre and english. I'm going to get over my fears of participating in theatre (fears I've held onto since elementary school), and, even though some people may argue that it's too late, I'm going to go for my dream wholeheartedly because this dream is better suited for me. It doesn't require excuses, or the perfection that I know I can't become, and it'll allow me to express my creative mind. It's the dream that's been patiently waiting for me to get over the hype of the old one.

This is what I will do for the rest of my life. At least, I sure hope so...