This is where I LIVE now.

It has been so long since I've blogged! I guess life has been slightly crazy... By my California standards it's super cold here in the Midwest, but I have yet to see any snow fall (and yes, I am very upset about this). This morning I was drinking coffee with one of my roommates who had already been outside and this is the conversation we had:

Rachel: "It was like 19 degrees outside earlier!"
Me: "But... There's still no snow?"
Rachel: "Nope"
Me: "Dangit! Where's the snow?!"
Rachel: [very lovingly] "Tayler, just because it's cold enough to snow doesn't mean it will."

I guess I didn't realize how often I ask her when it's going to snow :)

So that's my frustration with the weather lately... Oh, and the fact that these drastic weather changes cause my entire head to rebel against my body and my allergies cause me to be sick for days.


But onto bigger and better things: Exciting (but also really kind of scary) news.....

 I'm officially a resident of Missouri!

After jumping through hoops for days to try and register my car in the Show-Me-State, I finally finished everything this afternoon! I also got my MO driver's license, and registered to vote in good ole' Jackson County!

It just got real. Missouri is where I live.

Yeah, I mean I've been here for 4 months (holy shiz, that's 1/3 of a year!) and all, but now it's where I LIVE. When I'm driving down the road, I won't feel like I have a big sign on my car saying, "hey turn and look at this girl because she's not from around here!" or when I'm driving through traffic I won't feel like I'm being judged for "driving like a Californian" (I promise I'm not a crazy driver I just DOMINATE in traffic). I'm just going to be another Missourian driving through town!

No regrets. Never have I ever felt this kind of an exhilarating relationship with my good and faithful Lord!

Next week I go back to Clovis for Christmas so if you're reading this and you live in Clovis, LET'S GO TO KUPPA JOY OR IN N OUT!! :)

It's OCTOBER!

October is-and will-always be my favorite month of the year. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't just because my birthday is in the month of October (October 12th, by the way. And yes, I love my birthday more than most people should).

October means fall, and this is going to be the first fall I experience outside of California. I love California fall dearly because the temperature finally comes down from un-Godly temperatures, but this will be the first year I experience a real fall: Beautiful colors, chilly weather, scarves, crunchy falling leaves, pumpkin candles, folky music, hot chocolate, Frank Sinatra (oh.. my man), and everything else that is good in the Midwest fall. I guess I got carried away and added some things I just want to do regardless of where I'm currently living :)

My roommates have been out of town on a retreat all weekend so I used this weekend to do nothing except stay warm and sleep.. So boring, I know. But now I'm ready to explore the world outside me and see some of what my favorite month entails here in Missouri!

I'm doing some exciting things to celebrate my birthday, like going back to Cali for my ACTUAL birthday weekend, and heading over to CoMo for my "Columbia birthday" the week after.

But I want to have the best-first-real-October ever so now I'm inspired to make a little October goal list:

1. Listen to Frank and the rest of the Rat Pack.
2. Make homemade granola
3. Watch an old movie I've never seen (any suggestions?) while eating homemade popcorn
4. Take up a new hobby
5. Go out and explore KC more
6. Take more pictures
7. Make as many things out of pumpkin as possible
8. Go to a pumpkin patch
9. Do a Facebook fast! (seriously.. now that I have internet I get so sucked in)
10. Spend an entire day with the Lord

...Now to go get started on the exploring :)

Awake my soul, oh Lord.

I have always found purpose in responsibility. Not just one responsibility, but being up to my neck in responsibilities. I feel like I find comfort in that, and from being known. I don't even like new places because I get so uneasy about looking like I have no idea what I'm doing. Even from the moment I became a Christian I threw myself into the church for responsibility and being "known". I really think I was deep-down finding my identity in those things.

You know that moment when you become an adult and you really find out who you are and you are comfortable with it? I don't think I have honestly ever had that, and today I realized that is why I'm here.. Or at least, that's the beginning of why I'm here.

Today was a beautiful [traces of fall] day so I decided to walk to my fav. coffee shop to steal Internet instead of driving there. On my way home I was all of a sudden overcome with emotion because I realized I have never known myself more than I did in that moment. I have never been so aware of me, of God, of the beauty that is this day, and just how much I love where I am/what God has done in my life. I immediately broke down in tears and praise because it just hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't help but be in awe of what a great God I serve!

I realized that this time, this place, and some of these people are exactly what I have been needing to finally come into my own.

In Missouri I am virtually a nobody-I have little responsibility, it's highly unlikely for me to see someone I know on the street, and I don't have a name to live up to.

All I truly have is God, and He is helping me figure out how to be an adult, how to spend time/worship Him, how to be honest and accountable, and how to be 100% myself and not the person who accommodates to others.

Yes, I am almost 21 years old, and yes I do think God brought me all the way to Missouri (after beginning this all in Greece, by the way) to awake my soul and awake those passions and desires in me that He created me to have and use for His glory.

Clovis will always be near and dear to my heart. And who knows, I may end up there one day. I built a testimony there, made never ending friendships there (that's right, I do believe in long-distance so you're not losing me), and I learned a lot of really great things, but I think it's time to embrace being a nobody and let God mold me into the adult that follows Him everywhere, anywhere, and to anyone HE wants.

sometimes i really miss greece

...a lot.

Thank GOD that I get to see 6 of these beautiful folks in 6 days :)

with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

Today I worked, had some delicious KC BBQ (I'm hooked and have no idea how I lived without it), napped, then took a lovely walk in the rain for some froyo!

I just love the rain. And the Midwest.

Hope everyone's having as wonderful weekend as I seem to be having :)

life updates...

1. My new Starbucks store is awesome! I loved my old store, but I must say it's a nice breath of fresh air being in a cafe store.. No more haunting "beep" in my ear all day.

2. Residency for Missouri is crazy. Granted, it's all really doable and I'll have no problem getting it all done, but I feel like I'm selling my soul to the state! It's definitely still something I want to do, but I'm obviously emotionally attached to the state of California and I'm saving things on the residency checklist like getting a Missouri license and registering to vote in the state of Missouri for later on in the year.

3. I'm absolutely, 100% obsessed with How I Met Your Mother. WHY did I wait so long to watch this show?! Also, I don't have internet so if I want to watch it on Netflix I have to go to a coffee shop.. Duh I do it. No shame.

4. Today I decided it was hot.. Hey Fresno, it's only 90 degrees. Go ahead and hate me all you want

5. I miss my friends at home SO incredibly much but I love my friends here a lot!!

6. Being a real adult is really exciting to me. Having to budget in gas, groceries, and everything I else I spend is challenging but I just love it!

7. I bought the most amazing mattress and every time I get on my bed I immediately sink in and "hang out" (aka cat nap) for a little bit

8. I really miss my kitties. I really miss kitties in general!! I have 1 roommate who loves cats.. If only I could somehow find a cat and take it and make it my own..

9. My allergies are absolutely killing me here. I have no idea why, either. I lived in FRESNO. Like, really? I didn't know it could get worse than that but it has. I constantly want to scratch my face off.

10. God is really moving and changing me. It's sad to feel like I've left a life I used to love, but I know God is maturing me in more way than I can imagine. I'm finally building a legit discipline in spending time with Him and I'm extremely grateful for the accountability I'm experiencing here in Missouri as well as back in California.

My life, in a nutshell... I think :)

lack-of internet in the wwffp

So I've been living in Missouri for over 2 weeks now and there is an endless list of things that I need to do! I have started crossing those things off (whaddup new bank account and mattress!) but there are a lot that aren't so easy because something is getting in the way... You know what gets in the way of these things? NOT HAVING INTERNET.

Can I just stress how frustrating not having internet is? Granted, it has forced me to get out of the house and explore (aka get lost) trying to find awesome wifi places, but still.

Why don't we have internet, you ask? Well, Google is testing their new service called Google Fiber (google it ;) ) over here in good ole' Kansas City and through we are pre-registered and our neighborhood is for sure getting it, we have to wait until September for pre-registration to close. It's going to be flipping awesome when we finally get it, but I'm ready for it to get here already.

This is proving to me just how dependent on internet I am and it's kind of scary.

And yeah, I know, "first world problems".

who would have thought?

I don't know about you, but I love seeing evidence of God's power. Going to Greece was a huge eye-opener of that. Seeing the amazing ways that God worked to get me there just blew my mind throughout the entire trip, and the fact that I am STILL seeing WHY He did all that blows my mind just as much..

My new favorite game to remind me of God's power is "who would have thought?"

Who would have thought that going to Greece would change my life so drastically?
Who would have thought that this California girl would pick up and move to the Midwest?
Who would have thought that [insert so many crazy things here]?
(I'm being somewhat vague because there are a lot of "who would have thought" moments that I am glad to keep between God and I :) )

God, You are so good. Thanks for overpowering me and turning my plans into Your plans.

from Cali to Missouri in 4 long days

So you know a little bit about me being here at my new home, but I know if you're reading this you must be dying to hear about the glorious road trip I got to take to get here ;)

I may sound like I'm being somewhat sarcastic, but in reality... it was so much fun!

Sunday morning I left bright and early to drive down to Long Beach. After a quick stop in Beverly Hills to get my beloved Sprinkles cupcakes one last time, I got to my Aunt's house in LB around 12:30pm. I got to hang out with my cousin all day, eat a delicious home-cooked meal, and watch the olympics.*

I tried to get a decent amount of sleep before I started the legit drive on Monday morning.

Woke up around 7am, had coffee and conversation with my Aunt then headed to the airport to pick up Steven. After enlightening Steven on all things good (Sprinkles and In N Out) we said goodbye to California! Monday was a pretty short drive, and we got to our campground reservation in Utah early that evening. Oh, and guess what...

...IT WAS RAINING!

I've never set up a tent in my life (I grew up a sheltered child ;)) so trying to help set up something so foreign to me in the rain actually made me feel like I was more in the way than anything.. Thankfully, I had Steven to handle all things manly that week so he deserves all credit for us staying dry once we got inside the tent.

Tuesday morning we woke up to sun and headed out to Colorado! Might I say day 2 was, by far, the prettiest drive of all (dang you Nevada and western Kansas). Driving through Vail was unbelievable, and it made paying $3.95 per gallon for gas almost worth it... Almost. We got to our destination at 6pm and were greeted by our favorite little girls ever and their equally as amazing parents. Staying at the Henderson's was SO much fun! They were on project with us, and Kelly was actually the awesome lady who discipled me throughout the summer. They were so sweet to open up their home to us and made me feel right at home. I must say it didn't hurt that we got to watch the USA women's gymnastics team and Michael Phelps win gold medals either :)

On Wednesday we didn't leave quite as early as we had originally planned because we obviously had to get some trampoline and Wii time in! We headed out around 10:30am and drove straight on through to our final destination of Kansas City, Missouri! It was so incredibly exciting to drive up to my new home with two wonderful friends waiting for us on the porch! What troopers for helping me unload my STUFFED car and chatting with us until about midnight.

I didn't think I could have that much fun in a car for 26 hours, but I really did! And I have been having "project reunions" pretty much ALL week long. I know I probably said this already, but it's just been such a great week with even greater friends!

Okay, I'm done rambling now :)



*If you know me well enough, you know I'm a crazy olympic fan and refuse to not know what's going on. Because my trip took place during the first week of the games, I downloaded 4 different apps on my phone to keep up. Phelps fo lyfe ;)

guess who's in KC!

Oh how God has been pouring out the blessings since I last blogged. The move actually came through, and I am officially living in Kansas City, Missouri with my sweet sweet friend Rachel.

After a long (but really great) 3 days of driving, my unbelievably selfless friend Steven (who flew from Missouri to Long Beach just to help me drive/move, by the way) and I made it to KC around 8:30pm on Wednesday. I am in LOVE with this place!

This move has left me in absolute awe of God's provision. Like, who would have thought I'd end up here? In Missouri. With tornadoes. And even worse... BUGS. Heck, even when I was planning to move out here I still had doubts and wondered if this would actually work out. But here I am! And God hasn't left my side for a second. It's been amazing to see all of the fruit of the work He was doing during those few weeks of struggle leading up to this transition being revealed consistently throughout the entire week. Boy oh boy were the struggles worth it!

I begin my new, but familiar, job at Starbucks on Tuesday and I cannot wait to be completely settled in to this place. God is working hard to help me make this place my home, and I am just so grateful for it all!

Greece Pt. 2-Surrendering to God

Ever since I became a Christian, I knew that I wanted to have an active faith. It didn't necessarily kick in right away, but deep down I knew that I never wanted to be "lukewarm" in my faith. I read the book Crazy Love, by Francis Chan, about a year after I accepted Christ and it motivated me to live the active faith I had always known I wanted to have. Unfortunately, having an active faith isn't easy at all, and sometimes I get so caught up in my daily schedules that I push it to the side.

Even from the plane ride to Chicago, it became apparent to me just how much I had neglected Jesus in the months prior to project and I wasn't okay with that. I wanted to make sure I reconnected with the Lord and started making Him my priority. It slowly was becoming clear just how much I needed to surrender to God every single morning when I woke up, and live by the Spirit in everything I did that summer, and once I got home as well.

This was a discipline I prayed earnestly to have. I wanted to follow God. I wanted Him to strip me of my idols and my desire to do everything on my own. I wanted to trust in Him, and rely solely on Him and His promises.

...Even if it meant that the man I thought I was going to marry, was suddenly not that any more. That God currently has two completely different paths for us, and though it changed nothing about the way we felt for one another, we couldn't stay together because we'd be holding each other back from our real God-given hopes and desires.

...Even if it meant that a week and a half after returning back to America, I would make the decision to pack up and move half-way across the country to follow God. To grow with Him in a less-comfortable environment, with little to no familiarity. To leave the great life I have here, trusting that something equally as great is waiting for me in Missouri.

...Even if it meant that I was going to have to rely on God for absolutely everything in my life. That my "daily bread" would only be provided by Him. That He'd be paving a way for a job in Missouri. That He was going to show up in His timing and not my own financially.

Surrendering to God has been so incredibly difficult and has caused a roller coaster of emotions over the last 8 (or so) weeks. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel during huge changes that don't leave a warm fuzzy feeling right away. But this is the life that God called me to live, and He never promised it would be easy. He did promise to love me and never forsake me, which means that something great will come out of all of this. It may not be what I would have planned/wanted, but God is so much bigger and will give me exactly what I need.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

 -Jeremiah 29:11

crazy decision of the year award goes to...

ME.

As of a few hours ago, I made the decision to move to Kansas City, Missouri.
Yes, you did read that correctly.. Kansas City, Missouri.

Here's how it happened...

While in Greece I decided that I was interested in moving to Missouri one day and going to Mizzou. Why Mizzou? I mean, once I get my associate's this year I'll be free to go anywhere. Honestly, my reasons are good reasons to go to ANY school: 1. I want a real college experience. 2. I want to get involved with a CRU.. The only thing is that I have friends at Mizzou (and a lot more near there). When we were in Greece, we had a message on "calling." God calls us to follow Him, love others, etc. As far as I know, as long as I'm following God and glorifying His kingdom, He doesn't care where I'm going or what I'm doing. With that being said, the better question is why NOT, Mizzou? (My KU friends have answers to that but that's neither here nor there :) )

So I'm contemplating Mizzou, but don't want to pay out-of-state tuition, so I figure I can move there, live for a year, get residency, then go to school. I figured this would happen probably this time next year.

Well, I get home from Greece and notice a friend in Kansas City needs a roommate. In my head I'm thinking how awesome it would be to move there and be that roommate but there's no way in heck that it would work out! NO. WAY.

I bring it up to a few people (as a joke), and all of a sudden they're being super encouraging of the idea and making me feel like less of a crazy person and more like this is an actual opportunity for me.

I mean, what do I have to lose? The worst thing that could happen is I hate it and move back (I've been told that it's impossible to hate Missouri so apparently I'm good).

So I start praying. And talking to more people. And praying some more. Then some more. And then some more.

And doors start opening up. And people are being REALLY supportive.

Like, is this really happening? Am I really about to move halfway across the country?

I'm walking with the Lord, and I don't see Him shutting any doors so maybe I should take this step of faith and trust that it's going to work out.

So yes, this is happening.

I am so scared/overwhelmed to do this, but so excited to start this new journey! I know it's going to be really tough to pull all of this off in such a short amount of time and to start a new life in a new place outside of California, but I have to believe that God is bigger than all of this and that He's going to take care of me.

So if you're reading this and you would like to pray for me, PLEASE DO! I'm going to need all of the prayers I can get.

1. Finances! I have a good amount of money to get in a short amount of time. Please pray that they come in.

2. Job! I'm going to need a job almost immediately after I move. Please pray that I can start searching before I leave, and that God will be paving a way for me to get a job asap.

3. Doubt! It's going to be a hard few weeks before I leave and I don't want to be consumed with any doubt. It's easy to believe that something won't work out when it's this huge and it requires this much faith. Please pray that I'll continue to trust in God and know that if I'm supposed to be there, I'll be there!

4. Life here in Fresno. I have a really great life here in Fresno and I'm going to miss everyone so much. That being said, I'm not leaving, I'm following God.

And anything else you see fit to pray for! I'm so thankful that I have this opportunity and so blessed that God is showing His love through all of the support I'm already receiving in words, prayer, and help!

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

Greece pt. 1-Control

I'm commonly asked what the most important thing that I learned in Greece was. That's an extremely hard question for me to answer because I learned SO STINKIN MUCH! I went into the trip knowing God was going to rock my world and change me, but I had no idea what the extent of that would be.

One very common theme during my trip, though, would have to be control! Ahhh. Almost every single thing that God showed me this summer had some kind of underlying control issue within it.

What I learned about control in Greece:

1. I idolize relationships. I realized this in multiple relationships and multiple ways. In one way, I care too much about how certain people will react to things or I let the things they say get to me. In another way, I get too consumed with the relationships and rely on myself to make them go a certain way.

Either way, I'm putting the relationships above God, and at some points I'm trying to be God myself. That's alarming. I can't control how people react to me. I can't control how people feel about me. I can't control/change peoples' hearts or minds. I CAN'T CONTROL PEOPLE.

2. I want my life to go the way I want it to go. I remember when I was really sick, I felt so incredibly hopeless. I just kept thinking, "There's nothing I can do right now." That was really, really hard for me. I didn't like that I couldn't become healthy on my own. I didn't like that I wasn't able to eat most foods (at some points no food at all). Like I said in a previous post, I had some really great God time during that week of hell, because I was learning that I had to truly trust in Him and give Him control over everything... including my sickness.

3. Life is so much better when I give it over to God. After becoming a Christian I always knew I wanted the passionate, spontaneous, surrendering relationship with God but up until Greece I had taken most of the control back into my own hands (obviously not completely because I definitely didn't get to Greece on my own). While I was in Greece I was quickly reminded how much more satisfying life is when I give it over to the Lord. Lots of things have changed/are changing in my life right now, but by walking with the Lord and surrendering to Him every single day I have no reason to fear... for He is with me.

I am home!

So I got home from Greece and back into Clovis early Saturday morning (1 am) and have been suffering from jet-lag the last 2 nights (which is why I'm awake at 4 am)

I realized that I haven't blogged since the beginning of June and that was when I was still sick. That was a horrible week. Thankfully I received a lot of encouragement from my team and from my God. It was a battle that had already been won by God (common theme of the trip actually) and I just had to get through it. 

The trip was absolutely life-changing. I learned an unreal amount of things about myself, my relationships with people, God, missions, etc. There are so many different things that I really want to blog about in regards to my trip so I've decided that I will split it up. 

Not sure how it's going to be broken up right now. I'm extremely jumbled in my mind and just tried to type about re-entry for an hour and got no where.

Hopefully I can come up with things to say soon 

Being Sick in Greece

*WARNING* This post might come off somewhat like a rant and complaining post, which it kind of is, but hey you wanted to know about Greece!

Okay, so it's Monday night. My team is currently out to dinner while I sit in my room and try not to get sick. My sickness is playing mind tricks with me because it makes me believe I'm better so I eat and... BAM! Can't keep it down.

Let's go back and look at what my almost-week of sickness has been like

Tuesday night I felt super nauseous and like I was going to faint so I went to bed fairly early.

Wednesday morning I wake up feeling the same only add a murderous headache that makes my eyes hurts. I don't like to believe I'm sick so I go to the Steki for development time and, though I'm still feeling kind of iffy, I head for campus around 1pm. We get there and walk around, have a conversation and I am just SILENT (which is not normal). I feel horrible so I decide I'm going to go back to the hostel (and miss coffee time. Grrrrr...) and rest for the day. The way back to the hostel was an adventure in and of itself because I couldn't breath. Ah, yes, the feeling of an elephant on your chest and that your airways are slowly starting to close off on you while you stand in a crowded bus in a foreign country where you are very afraid you might be the only one who knows CPR (which obviously won't come in handy since I can't perform it on myself). But I made it to the hostel! You'd think "fun" time is over, but then, like Hell itself, came the fever of all fevers. I mean, really? I haven't had a fever like this in I don't even know how long. I slept off and on all day until the group came back, took some Tylenol PM and then I was out!

Woke up Thursday feeling like ca-ca and stayed home all day. Slept half the day, struggled with fevers even worse than the day before, and somehow managed to walk down the street in my feverish state and buy a Powerade (wasn't cute but I wasn't about to care). Finally started to feel decent and was so hungry by the time everyone else got back that I went to dinner with them all. That was a mistake because (surprise, surprise) it made me sick

Friday-Saturday I was supposed to go to a camp owned by an organization we periodically help out down here and help them prepare for the coming months of campers and camps being put on. While my team left at 8am, I said good bye from my bed as I was still too sick to move. This was getting ridiculous. When I finally got the strength to move, I walked to my director's room to tell her I had stayed and about 5 minutes into our conversation I quickly made my way to her bathroom to well, as I most commonly hear around here, up-chuck. That was lovely. So up until Saturday afternoon was just a bunch of waiting to be sick, getting sick, wanting to die from my headaches, breakdowns, and trash MTV Greece. (At least my fevers were gone)

But by Saturday night I actually ate food.. And kept it down. It wasn't much, but I had kept it DOWN!

Sunday and today have been back and forth for me. My headaches are subsiding and I'm actually craving food again. But, if I eat anything that isn't easy to digest (which I obviously keep making mistakes) it comes right back up. I

I'm pretty much at the point where I just want to eat whatever because at least I'll enjoy it! That obviously won't happen, but really. We had McDonalds last night, and I was DYING for a Big Mac (Instead I had apples.. And sprite)

So physically I'm not doing my best, but I'm moving around! I even survived the hike to and from the Acropolis this morning! It was absolutely beautiful and I am so happy I went!

Emotionally it's been a hard week too. I mean, I've been sick! In a foreign country. And none of it makes sense. And I don't know when it's finally going to end. And I feel like I'm missing out on so much.

BUT! (And this is really why this post even matters) I have had some awesome time with God. Not just alone time while reading my Bible, but this week has honestly been something I've never had to deal with and it's put me at my lowest here. But learning how to praise God, and worship God through all of this has been really kind of cool. Knowing that I just have to endure through this, has been such a wonderful experience (though seemingly terrible at times).

I don't know! I'm still just all about the whole "God is good!" thing that I keep talking about. :)

Off to movie night where I will not be touching food!

1st Week in Athens!

Unfortunately, I think I'm coming down with something so I'm not currently feeling up to par, but it's been over a week since I've blogged and I've been in Athens for a week now so I figured it's time for some updates!

By the way, due to my lack-of updates, this will be somewhat scattered and long. Bear (bare?) with me. I'm hoping to blog more in the future so those will make more sense...Maybe

So what has living in Athens been like you ask? I shall tell you in a list!

1. We traveled, and traveled, and traveled some more until we got here last Tuesday around 2:30pm Athens time. Flying 3 times in 3 days was no easy task for this girl who's only plane experience was flying to Dallas in high school. Jet lag kicked in right around my flight from Germany to Athens because I couldn't fall asleep on the 8 hour flight from Chicago to Germany. But, I thankfully made it until 9pm Athens time so I didn't really suffer from real jet lag.

2. We've done a lot of exploring! Heck, we constantly explore the city. Athens is huge, and every time I think I've figured something out, I quickly get confused and am reminded I have no idea what I'm doing and am so thankful for the fact that almost everyone else does.

Side note: I'm almost confident that I know how to work public transportation but I'm not 100% sure.

3. Mars Hill is super close to our hostel and we've been there three times. Wondering what Mars Hill is? Apostle Paul SPOKE there. Read Acts 17. The first time we were there was daytime and one of the STINTers (long-term missionaries/people in charge of us) gave a devo on Acts 17 while we were up there. It's so amazing, to me, that so much from the Bible actually happened here!

The other two times we were there were at night and we had sketchy/weird (don't freak out mom) experiences there BOTH TIMES. Thank God for giving us men that actually enjoy hanging out with all of us girls after dark and help keep us safe. Lol

4. The food is fabulous. There has only been one meal I haven't liked and that was when I decided to get a "Boston Burger." Everything Greek is delicious and I'm officially addicted to Gyros.

5. We went to the beach on Saturday and it was so much fun!! I got unbearably sunburned from it, but swimming in the Mediterranean Sea was well worth it (depending on how much longer I'm in sunburn pain). I'd also like to add that the Mediterranean has zero sharks and/or seaweed which makes me love it when I'm not accidentally swallowing the crazy salty water.

6. We started going on campus yesterday! I have a great group of teammates and I'm feeling very blessed to have them with me. It's a great experience to meet Greek students and struggle with understanding each other's languages while really engaging in each other. It's been super outside of my comfort zone, but I'm proud to say that not only have I initiated conversations but I have participated as well!

7. The love I feel for my GPI team (the people on project with me) is unreal! I have only physically known these people for 10 days but it feels like I've known them for so much longer! They are so willing to be vulnerable with me, as well as let me be vulnerable with them and I'm just so appreciative of that. I'm so proud to call each and every one of them my friends. They will forever be my Cru region, and we're already talking about flying me out to Colorado for DCC (their winter conference) and keeping me a part of the group!

8. We got the chance to help out with Hellenic Ministries last night and will have one more opportunity in a couple weeks. Hellenic Ministries is an organization that gives food, showers, laundry, etc to refugees coming from all over the place that are just stuck here in Greece waiting to make their next move. The organization shares the Gospel and hold camps for these refugees as well. We were fortunate enough to serve what they call Love Meals to refugees and it was such a great experience. It really put a lot into perspective for me.

One of my favorite moments had to be when I was chosen to go clean the bathrooms. I was mortified. I had actually remembered hearing them say the other group had to do it and snickering to myself because I was so happy I didn't have to. (ha.) Well, the man who assigned the job to me was joking about me being blessed for cleaning the bathrooms and another told me that God was in there with me so I started telling myself, "you need to thank God for giving you this opportunity to clean toilets right now." It didn't take long before I truly was thanking and praising God for giving me the PRIVILEGE of doing this for these refugees who so badly needed to be served.

I think that's about it for my first week in Athens.

God is really working in my life here and I'm feeling so incredibly grateful for the group He's brought me here with, the love and relationship He's showing me and helping me build with Him, and the things He's doing here in Athens.

I know I keep saying this, but people, God is good!

this trip has officially begun!

Summer Project is here! It's begun! And to be honest, it's already been kind of a roller coaster of emotions for me.

I got into Chicago (where I'm currently residing) around 12:30 central time yesterday, but an important part of my story starts before that..

My flight was scheduled for 6:45am PST and I was ready. Had a small ripped pants mishap (yep. It happened. Right in the front), but I was good to go! Saying good bye to Tommy was awful, of course, but I knew that one was coming. I made my way through security and found a familiar green coffee shop to get some breakfast. I sat down at my gate, ate my banana, sent Tommy a goofy picture of me drinking my iced coffee and waited to board.

Then it hits me. Holy crap, if I get on this plane I can't chicken out. This isn't some spontaneous idea anymore. This is happening.

I can't do this.

Cue waterworks and phone call to Tommy.

After some consoling, I got on that plane and made it but then I got here and met all of my teammates (wonderful people, by the way) and it starts hitting me again.

Oh my gosh I can't chicken out now. I can't go home for 6 weeks!! Why am I here? Why am I doing this?

I can't do it.

I was afraid. Afraid of the unknown. The enemy keeps trying to put thoughts in my mind and get me to think that God's will (me going to Greece) is a bad idea. I read a verse on the plane yesterday and am so glad I wrote it in my journal because it's already come in handy so much for me on this trip

"In love there is no room for fear, but perfect love drives out fear: because fear implies punishment, and no one who is afraid has come to perfection in love." 1 John 4:18

I mean, come on! I'm following God's will for my life! And no matter how great it would feel to be at home, in the safety and comfort of my little Clovis bubble, I have no reason to be afraid! I may not be able to do this myself, but through Christ, I CAN and I WILL!

Today was a much better day. It's been so much easier to see how perfect God's will is, and how beautifully He orchestrated not only my journey here, but of my teammates as well. The only words I can think of to say is that God is good.

I am encouraged by my new friends here on this journey to Athens with me, I am encouraged by my support back home, and I am encouraged by God's love and His ability to cast out all fear in my heart and by His complete power over the enemy.

The trip has begun, and I think I'm finally beginning to consistently feel a bit more positive about it.

But everything is good! And it's gonna get greater! I'm so excited for what this summer holds for me, the people I meet, the people I have met, and for those waiting for me in Clovis.

Please pray that I continue to fight the attacks, and that I grow more confident in my obedience to the Lord.

xo

P.S I probably won't blog for a few days because I'm in for a lot of traveling/jet lag fighting tomorrow and Tuesday. Should be fun :)

these are a few of my favorite things

I'm the kind of person who easily obsesses over things. Now that I'm considering myself a "girly-girl" (I think it's part of this growing up process), I'm finding so many other things to obsess over!!

So in that light, I'd like to show you a few things that I'm absolutely in love with lately...

1. Birchbox!

I pay $10 a month for them to send me a box full of goodies! Sometimes full size products, but mostly samples (but really, who EVER complains about samples). It's perfect if you are like me and want to try really great beauty (and "lifestyle") products but don't want to fork over a bunch of money in case you don't like it. It's a really great program! Also, the men's line just came out of beta and you better believe Tommy gets it! Just go here to learn more and/or sign up. You'll thank me!

2. My new Etsy luckcann Carson purse

I cannot, for the life of me, remember how I stumbled upon this purse, but after months of going back and forth I finally bought it! I love it because it's huge, bright yellow, has tons of pockets, made well, and was well priced. The seller is from Thailand, but it shipped here in what felt like no time at all! So it's safe to say that I had a really great experience. I'm really excited to use this as my "personal item" with all of the flights I'll be taking within the next 2 months :)

3. BAGGU 

Okay, really, this bag does no justice to how great BAGGU bags are. That bag above can hold 50 pounds of stuff. FIFTY POUNDS! ...And it's only $9. Yep, $9. They also have super cute ipad cases, "baby baggus", zip pouches (I'm a proud owner of the small striped ones), and backpacks. And there are a TON of great colors to choose from! Go here and check it out.

4. Spongebob mac and cheese

Because, to me, the character mac and cheese has always tasted better. And because there's barely anything in the box, you don't have to feel bad about eating all of it by yourself.

5. My Old Navy flats

I've always been a sucker for good flats, and these are just wonderful! Super cheap, and they look so cute on. Proud to say the boyfriend helped convince me to get them (he has such good taste), and I haven't looked back since :)

So that's just a small list of things I've been in love with lately. I could really make the list so much longer. Can't wait to see what else I fall in love with in Greece! (already obsessing over Mediterranean food so I can't wait for that part!)

xoxo

New member on Bloglovin!

Life just got a wee bit more exciting ;)

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Defeated

I don't know about you, but I really dislike coming home feeling defeated.
I know it comes with the territory, but when it's two days in a row of feeling defeated by ministry I can't help but feel kind of.... Eh.

God didn't promise us an easy life, and giving Him control is honestly really uncomfortable. But what it does give us is an overpowering joy and love from an almighty and unconditionally loving God which in turn is the ultimate comfort.

Even if we aren't feeling like we're doing our best His love never wavers. It never fails.

There will always be defeats, and there will always be victories.
There will always be kids who fall away, and there will always be kids who want to know more.

I guess that's what I'll choose to focus on as I go to bed.
But I will always pray for those defeats, those fallen away kids, and those struggles that still get in the way of God's ministry in my life.

so i'm heading to greece!

and in two weeks i will be on greek soil! I still have about $900 to get and would really love for you to become a part of my journey by supporting me! any donation is helpful.. really, even $10 will help me get closer to my goal. by clicking on the link you will be taken to a site that donates to my account directly. so easy to do!

https://give.ccci.org/give/View/5648435;jsessionid=0C30FDE8A2D9375EBD926013BA37B2F9.dss1

please consider helping me spread the good news of the Gospel and helping serve those in Athens this summer!

prayerfully,
Tayler

Self Worth

"But what have you done to deserve respect?"

The thought that clouds my mind tonight as I prepare to end another day.

"But what have you done to deserve respect?"

I just want to be equal. I just want to be respected. 

By you. By both of you.

"But what have you done to deserve respect?"

It lingers. It never leaves my head, and I fear it'll slip out of their lips again.. and again... and again.

At church this morning, Pastor Joe finished a series on Ruth by talking about redemption. Boaz stepped up and became the kinsman-redeemer by marrying Ruth, and redeeming the name of Ruth's deceased husband, as well as redeeming both Ruth and Naomi. He knew it was a huge price to pay, but he did it anyway.

He continued by stating that redemption involves 3 things:

1. Paying a price

2. Freeing a life

3. Increasing of a value

What's that last one? Oh, right. 

Increasing of a Value

"But what have you done to deserve respect?"

He said that last one was a harder one to swallow, and I understood what he meant but I also felt like I understood what I was worth, because of redemption.. Because I had hit rock bottom once.

But as I came home tonight and got in the shower feeling so low about myself, sobbing quietly to myself, I began to get a whole new meaning of what it means for redemption to involve "increasing of a value."

It took me back to the times that stick out most in my life when I felt insignificant.. The times I felt I had no value:

In 8th grade, when I so badly wanted to be friends with a certain group of girls and no matter how hard I tried, how I dressed, who I talked to, "went out with", etc.. It was never enough. I was invisible

In 9th grade, when I went out with the boy that, up until giving my life with Christ, had permanently caused me to distrust all. He made me cry every single night we were a couple, and though I held strong, he was determined to compromise my morals. I was just a commodity

Wishing I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted with my life. Not feeling pressure to participate in certain activities, or afraid of breaking down and showing just how miserable it was making my life. I was living for other people

The second half of high school, until my salvation, when I felt like I lost control of the two things I held most dearly to me: My grades and my morals. The things I was good at, all of a sudden gone, all because of boys.  My identity and worth was in my boyfriends

And now, at almost 21 years old. Feeling like I'm constantly working so hard, but that it's never enough. Coming home just to feel like a ton of bricks has been thrown onto my already heavy load Feeling unnoticed.

Finally cracking, time and time again, then feeling like the worst person in the entire world. Everything being thrown on me.. Everything being my fault. Feeling inferior, and that I can't do anything right.

"But what have you done to deserve respect?"

Well, nothing. I am a sinner. I fall short all of the time.

"Sin is a part of our DNA. It's a part of us, not a behavior."

JESUS HAS REDEEMED ME! 

My worth is found in no one, but Him. My identity does not fall on my sin! 

I could wake up tomorrow, decide to completely ignore my responsibilities and become a hermit and I would still be worth something to God.

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding" -Ephesians 1:7-8

I will go to bed remembering that Jesus has died for these pains that I feel, so that I feel them no more. He died so that I will not be disheartened by the question:

"But what have you done to deserve respect?"

**Sidenote: As Greece approaches, I have been praying for God to start really breaking me down to prepare me.. Be careful what you wish for, huh? ;)

can you believe it?!

It's MAY 2ND!!! (Well, pretty much May 3rd now)

That means I'm leaving for my trip in (almost) 15 days. 

That's almost 2 weeks. 

Woah.

I still need about $1,000, so if you're reading this PLEASE pray for me!

God is faithful, but the more prayers the better!

xoxo

You know those days..

...where you're so overwhelmed with life that the thought of not being able to find your camera in time for Greece causes you to completely break down?

Because, I mean, no one goes to Greece for 6 weeks without a camera to document it all and your beloved waterproof-shockproof-super cute digital camera has been MIA for months!

Well that definitely happened to me about 2 hours ago

But all is good again BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN FOUND! :)

Famine 2012

Ahhh another Famine has come and gone and I honestly couldn't be happier that it's over with.

For those who don't know what I'm talking about, last year we put on our very first 24 hour famine, where we got youth kids to fast for 24 hours and raise money for World Vision (a well-known Christian organization who's ministry is helping those in need, sponsoring children/villages and educating people on the very real hunger issue in the world).

So last year was great! And this year we decided to up the ante and go for a full 30 hour famine to coincide with the national event. I was way pumped about it because of the great feedback I got from last year's event, but boy it was awful timing.

Unfortunately, I'm in the middle of papers, tests, speeches, wrapping up work schedules, beginning new work schedules, preparing for Greece, and every bit of life in between so I found it not just so incredibly hard to find time to work on the event, but to actually find the energy deep (and I mean deep) within my body to devote to planning.

Believe me, nothing proves to you what kind of God-send your boyfriend is until he has to deal with the absolute mess you've been the couple weeks before such a big event. But that's a whole different blog post on it's own :)

So I was a mess, an absolute, literal, MESS.

I prayed. And prayed. And prayed oh so much more.

And somehow, someway, this event came together and was a success!

My point of this is that THE EVENT WAS NOT MINE, and the way it unfolded was an obvious example as to why. Me, on my own, had no way of getting something so huge pulled together in time and for it to be so great. God was moving! His hand was on the event the entire time.

It's funny because the whole week before when I was praying, I kept thinking, "Hello?! God? I'm been praying to you for [x] amount of days now! Why am I still too exhausted to do this dang thing?!" (Because yes, I very much disliked the famine last week). All I needed to do was be faithful, because God was working and I just couldn't see or control it. Friday and Saturday, however, His work was obvious.

Kids were changed! That was probably my favorite part. There were times when I was completely taken aback and just could not believe I was fortunate enough to see my kids that I love so much growing so much in the short amount of time I saw them for.

And I was changed. I came home mentally and physically exhausted, but encouraged by my students and inspired to not take my food (or anything else for that matter) for granted.

So I can check the famine off of my long list of things to do before I leave for Greece (which is 19 days, by the way) and praise Jesus for the work He did in my life over the past few days in order to help further His kingdom and grow His children!

P.S. Thank you so much to all of my friends that helped lead this thing and planned a good chunk of it as well! I couldn't have done it without you his either! Love you so so much!

Postcards from Italy

Just a fun little song that I cannot stop listening to today!

someone extremely intelligent once told me to focus on the positive...

This week has hit an all-time stressful high (like, so stressful I've had my first ever stress acne break out!) so I'm taking a little break to post 15 things that make me oh so happy.

1. Thursday night date nights

2. Experiencing God's love in the people He surrounds me with

3. Reading a good blog

4. Getting a chance to sit and enjoy coffee or tea

5. Staying awake past my "bedtime"

6. Realizing my identity is found in Christ

7. Blasting the Shins' new album in my car

8. Knowing that there is someone on this earth who truly does understand me 

9. My hair being long enough to put in the most disgusting bun possible

10. Singing songs from Singin' in the Rain

11. Worshipping with my high schoolers

12. Being a cheer coach

13. Beauty and the Beast

14. When my kitty is cuddly

15. Thinking about the future

Hope you're having a great week! 

Endings and Beginnings!

My time at Starbucks is approaching it's end. A month from now, on May 12th, I will have my last shift at Starbucks.. And if it goes as planned, I will not be going back.

And I'm scared.

Why the heck am I leaving this awesome job, with awesome people, with awesome steadiness, and awesome benefits? (Are you tired of the word awesome yet?)

Because God is calling me somewhere else.

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I was offered a cheer coaching position (yikes) at Reyburn Intermediate and I took it knowing full well I didn't have the time to do that, intern, work at Starbucks, go to school, and not be a zombie.

But I really, honestly knew that God was calling me there. It's a really great opportunity that can hopefully one day open doors for me, considering I want to be a teacher. Plus, my ministry is serving jr. high and high school students and this is one more way for me to do that!

So with all of that being said, I had to figure out what was most important to me.. My passions/callings in life, or money.

Needless to say, I went with the first option.

I'm taking a huge pay cut, I don't know if I'm going to be able to pay my bills every month, and all that good stuff. But I know I'm going to be happier (not that Starbucks wasn't a happy place. You just obviously enjoy what you're passionate about more) and that fruit will come out of this decision!

I'm making a huge step in faith, and sometimes I get really close to chickening out. But I've made my decision and letting God control my life, not me... Even though sometimes it's really scary and doesn't always make sense at first.

THERE IS HOPE!

How often do we feel alone? Like no one understands us, or even cares to understand? That people are going to leave us? That their love is conditional? That we just blend in and are never thought about?

I know I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way, or will ever feel this way. And it's devastating.

Last night I felt like my world had come crashing down on me. Since then I have felt all of these things. I didn't go to work, I didn't intern today, go to youth group, etc. I haven't gone anywhere today that hasn't allowed me to hide and escape from it all.

I wasn't running from anything. Sometimes things happen that are just so devastating to your heart and mind that being around people and carrying on with your responsibilities will ultimately be more of running away then being alone with your thoughts and trying to process it all.

Today I have spent the better half of the day talking to God, and He has continually been trying to remind me that He made me, loves me, was with me last night, and has been the whole time.

I didn't believe it until about an hour ago, when I started thinking about the character of who God is:
-God created me
-God loves me no matter what cruel things people might say to me.
-His love will never be conditional!
-He died so that I could live, and have a relationship with Him
-I will never be alone because He promised never to forsake me

And the list just goes on and on.

I still haven't processed it completely. My heart and head still hurt. But you know what? THAT'S OKAY! I am a child of God, and He loves me whether I am "acceptable" to the world or not, and He will literally never leave me.

That's all the hope any of us really need

The Craziness of It All

Okay, no joke, my life has never been at a more stressful, or crazy point than it currently is.

Quick little run-down (mostly for my benefit so I can remember everything):

1. GREECE! I realized this hasn't been posted on my blog, even though it's all over Facebook, but I'm going to Greece in May for a 6-week mission trip! I am absolutely stoked beyond words, but boy is it a stressful time. Trying to get out support letters, fill out paperwork, stay on top of everything, do my "homework assignments" for the trip, find flights to and from Chicago, and prepare is hard to do on top of...

2. Work! Still waking up at 3am 4 days a week, and 4:30am 1 day a week. Working mornings is a surreal thing because it takes away your mornings and your nights because you have to go to sleep early and can't work on things late into the night.

3. School! Luckily I'm only in 7 units, but geeze is it a lot. Good news though: If everything goes as planned, I'll have my A.A. in Social Studies May of 2013 and will finally be back at Fresno State the following fall!!!

4. Intern/Church! I'm committed to making it a bigger priority in my life and trying to grow, so while I'm meeting with L.J. on Mondays and devoting Tuesdays completely (minus work in the AM) to doing church work, I'm trying to teach more, and I'm planning another Famine! (yay!)

5. New job! I picked up a second job as a cheer coach and trying to get all of the paperwork done, while trying to find time in my compacted schedule is proving to be very tough work. And the fact that clinics/try-outs are coming up soon is scaaaary!

Oh, and I have a messed up disk in my back so that's always fun to add into the mix ;)

So life's pretty crazy, and I find myself constantly feeling like I'm dropping the ball in one aspect in my life or another. It is coming to an end though, because I'm making HUUUUGE life changes right before I leave for Greece, and will thankfully be given a lot more time/energy. (Can't really go into much detail yet, but eventually I will :) )

So here I sit... Finally a day off to recover from the week that caused about 5 nervous breakdowns, and prepare for the next week in hope that the breakdown number will decrease. I hope this doesn't all come off as complaining or idiotic (okay, maybe it is :) ), because I am completely aware that I have too much on my plate, but after lots of prayer and counsel, I know that this is just something I have to endure through until May when big changes are made because it's going to be oh so worth it.

Though it's been a struggle, I'm constantly praying for God to fill me up and help me through. So if you are reading this and don't mind praying that He fill me up with His strength and courage I could really use it!

A "drop to my knees and worship" kind of song

"Alive Again" by Matt Maher (Searched high and low for a video with no slide show, but that didn't work out)

After it coming on shuffle, today I listened to this song on repeat almost the entire way home from school. By the time I got off the freeway, I was almost irritated that I was driving in a car because all I wanted to do was drop to my knees and worship God!

I usually try to refrain from relating to songs, but really, if I could put what God has been doing to my heart over the last few months (especially recently) into a song, THIS WOULD BE IT! And not just one part, the whole thing.

God, You are SO GOOD!

Past Pain for Others=Future Pain for Me.

Apparently I'm a fan of blogging today.

This one goes out to people who have hurt others/have been hurt in the past

Okay, so the person I was in high school was absolutely AWFUL. I was a jealous girlfriend, selfish, had to be the center of attention, and the list goes on.

The problem with those things isn't that I embarrassed myself (which DID happen), it's that I hurt a lot of people throughout those four years.

After the huge transformation God made in my life, and my heart, I apologized to most of them, but one in particular that I never apologized to sticks out in my mind.

The reason why I bring this up, is because I stumbled across a conversation she had recently with two people including the guy I was dating when I did the awful, jealous-girlfriend, thing I did almost 3 years ago, and they were "slyly" making fun of me... AKA talking about "a certain someone" (me) and referring to some of the stupid things I did.

It kind of hurt. It brought up a lot of pains I felt, and a lot of pains that I still continue to feel because of my selfishness.

So to this person, (and the two she was talking to), even though they will never read this: I'm sorry. I wish I could explain the kind of pain I have felt because of the pain I put you through all those years ago. I know you probably feel like I deserve to be in this pain because of it, but I want you to know that I am not that person anymore. Thankfully, I'm able to be a non-jealous girlfriend now, and I work REALLY hard to be that way. When I was in high school I had some major trust issues and got really jealous for no reason, but I'm human, and we all make mistakes. I really do feel bad about it, but if talking about it almost 3 years later helps you with the pain I put you through, then please, honestly, do it. (no sarcasm, promise). I pray for you all the time, and hope that one day I will feel better, because I hope that you already feel better. I also pray that one day I will get the courage to face you and apologize to you, but for now, yeah, I'm unfortunately still a chicken.

And to anyone else who is reading this, I really encourage you to think about the person you are, and think about how your actions/struggles are affecting others around you. Maybe you have some struggles that are causing pain to people you truly care about (or cared about at one time). I encourage you to really lean on God, and ask Him forgiveness and to help you change your ways.

I wish I would have known all of this while I was in high school. Maybe then there wouldn't have been a conversation for me to accidentally see that brought back the pain I feel from the pain that I inflicted.

Life Changes?

I so wish I blogged more! But, alas, I feel like I don't have enough time to even THINK about my life lately, so it would seem impossible to blog about it...

Which brings me to my slightly-vague blog post of today (and this month :P):

My overwhelming, unhealthy, I-need-changes, life.

What do you do when you KNOW God is calling you to something GREAT, and has been calling you to something just as great for over a year, but can't devote the time necessary because of something else in your life?

I'm really thinking about making some life changes, but these aren't just minor changes.. This would be HUGE! (and Im freaking out, by the way)

It's been an emotional few months, and an extra emotional few days.

There comes a time when you must look at your life, and see how unhealthy you are emotionally and spiritually and fix it.

My great friend/mentor L.J. said to me the other day, "Sometimes it's not about how much you're doing, but WHAT you're doing."

I need to be doing things that are life GIVING, not life SUCKING.

Now, that's easier said than done, but it's safe to say I know one huge thing in my life that just doesn't seem to fit in anymore. And it's controversial, because it's an importance in my life, and, well, helps me "survive."

But I honestly see God calling me other places now, and what am I supposed to do? Have this idol in my life because society says I need it and it's scary to move on from it? Or do I listen to my God, the God who knows me and is supposed to be in control of my life, and follow what He's calling me to?

I'm about 95% sure this is a God thing, but IT'S SCARY to think of it as that! I'm very blessed that God has provided me with some people in my life who are supporting me, and only question it because they want to make sure that I'm going to be okay without this thing in my life.

So if you're reading this, I could absolutely use prayer right now. Specifically in the areas of wisdom, and closeness to God, and that I'll really trust what He's telling me and do whatever it is that He wants, not society.


"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."
-Proverbs 3:5-8