Self Worth

"But what have you done to deserve respect?"

The thought that clouds my mind tonight as I prepare to end another day.

"But what have you done to deserve respect?"

I just want to be equal. I just want to be respected. 

By you. By both of you.

"But what have you done to deserve respect?"

It lingers. It never leaves my head, and I fear it'll slip out of their lips again.. and again... and again.

At church this morning, Pastor Joe finished a series on Ruth by talking about redemption. Boaz stepped up and became the kinsman-redeemer by marrying Ruth, and redeeming the name of Ruth's deceased husband, as well as redeeming both Ruth and Naomi. He knew it was a huge price to pay, but he did it anyway.

He continued by stating that redemption involves 3 things:

1. Paying a price

2. Freeing a life

3. Increasing of a value

What's that last one? Oh, right. 

Increasing of a Value

"But what have you done to deserve respect?"

He said that last one was a harder one to swallow, and I understood what he meant but I also felt like I understood what I was worth, because of redemption.. Because I had hit rock bottom once.

But as I came home tonight and got in the shower feeling so low about myself, sobbing quietly to myself, I began to get a whole new meaning of what it means for redemption to involve "increasing of a value."

It took me back to the times that stick out most in my life when I felt insignificant.. The times I felt I had no value:

In 8th grade, when I so badly wanted to be friends with a certain group of girls and no matter how hard I tried, how I dressed, who I talked to, "went out with", etc.. It was never enough. I was invisible

In 9th grade, when I went out with the boy that, up until giving my life with Christ, had permanently caused me to distrust all. He made me cry every single night we were a couple, and though I held strong, he was determined to compromise my morals. I was just a commodity

Wishing I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted with my life. Not feeling pressure to participate in certain activities, or afraid of breaking down and showing just how miserable it was making my life. I was living for other people

The second half of high school, until my salvation, when I felt like I lost control of the two things I held most dearly to me: My grades and my morals. The things I was good at, all of a sudden gone, all because of boys.  My identity and worth was in my boyfriends

And now, at almost 21 years old. Feeling like I'm constantly working so hard, but that it's never enough. Coming home just to feel like a ton of bricks has been thrown onto my already heavy load Feeling unnoticed.

Finally cracking, time and time again, then feeling like the worst person in the entire world. Everything being thrown on me.. Everything being my fault. Feeling inferior, and that I can't do anything right.

"But what have you done to deserve respect?"

Well, nothing. I am a sinner. I fall short all of the time.

"Sin is a part of our DNA. It's a part of us, not a behavior."

JESUS HAS REDEEMED ME! 

My worth is found in no one, but Him. My identity does not fall on my sin! 

I could wake up tomorrow, decide to completely ignore my responsibilities and become a hermit and I would still be worth something to God.

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding" -Ephesians 1:7-8

I will go to bed remembering that Jesus has died for these pains that I feel, so that I feel them no more. He died so that I will not be disheartened by the question:

"But what have you done to deserve respect?"

**Sidenote: As Greece approaches, I have been praying for God to start really breaking me down to prepare me.. Be careful what you wish for, huh? ;)