God's Timing

Anything worth having that I've ever been blessed with has happened when I finally surrendered and let God take over.

I naturally like having control, but anytime I try to do that, God steps in and says "nope, not yet." I imagine Him saying something like, "Patience, young one." I'm not sure why I picture that, but I just do.

Anyway, I look at my life. I look at everything God has granted me, and I realize,

WOW, NONE of this was my doing.

It's very humbling to think about it that way. Believe me, nothing causes you to put pride aside more than realizing you had no part in achieving the things that make you happy... And that's a GOOD thing!

I realize how much more grateful I need to be. (Phew have I had some enlightenments about gratitude recently.. That'll be it's own post)

Not only grateful, but JOYFUL! I need to ENJOY these blessings! I catch myself legitimately stressing out over if I'm glorifying God enough. Hello, does anyone else smell the irony of that sentence? I'm STRESSING (which boils down to worry.. Phil 4:6) about GLORIFYING GOD! How dare I do such a thing! Seriously, me stressing about it is what's causing me to NOT glorify Him. I'm not being obedient and letting Him have control.

I need to constantly remind myself about this. Maybe I should hang notes on my door, car, etc so it's blatantly in-my-face and I can't forget it.

God's in control. Enjoy what He's blessed you with. That, in and of itself, is glorifying to Him.

Francis Chan, and Isaiah 55

I've seen this video a few times, and no matter how much I watch it I always react the same way.

Chills-Francis Chan has SUCH an amazing heart for God, and it's so evident in everything he does, especially this video.

Humbling-It really puts into perspective, just how small I am and how much I don't know (key point: will NEVER know) about who God is, and why He does the things he does.

Convicted-I ask myself the question, "What am I trying to make true in my life/with my theology/concerning my knowledge of God?" I find so many things and it just moves me to focus on the BIBLICAL truth, not my own selfish, HUMAN idea of truth.

This video continues to blow my mind, and I hope that I'll be able to come back to this blog post time and time again to feel these things and really reevaluate my relationship Truth.

Isaiah 55:8-9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts

Marinate on THAT!!

1 Timothy 1:15

"...Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst."

SO AMAZING.

I love myself some Apostle Paul.

Looking to Luke 6:27-36

...To try to handle my pain the way Jesus would have

“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."

Why?

Because I was God's enemy, and He forgave me. He rewarded me with salvation. The least I can do is try to follow that example with my enemies.

Thank You, Jesus

I've been in a pretty bad place lately, spiritually speaking.

Things have been going on in my life over the last month or so, hours have been longer and more rigorous at work, and I've just been extremely burnt out.

I wish I could go into detail about the struggles I've been dealing with, but they're better left unsaid.

Just know I've been in a standstill with my relationship with God, and in all honesty, I've been so exhausted that I haven't even felt bad about it.

Well, the last week or two has been extremely hard because it's all been brought to the surface; The spiritual halt, the exhaustion, the disrespect I've ignored, the CLUTTER, the anxiety, etc.. It's almost like it all just slapped me in the face, and all of a sudden I've just felt so awful! The worst part hasn't even been the fact that things have been affecting ME negatively, but that I've been NEGLECTING God.

Who do I think I am to just turn my face away from God and concern myself with my "troubles?"

So today I finally put it to an end. I went out, turned off my phone, and just worshipped Jesus.

I wrote, and prayed, and listened to worship songs.. But most importantly I vowed to bring myself back to the One constant in my life.



So Jesus,

You are such a beautiful, caring God. I am so undeserving of your unconditional love that you continue to pour out to me. I turned away from you in order to receive glory for myself, and You still welcomed me back with open arms.

I love You so much Jesus, and pray that I can not only show others my love for You, but show You just how much I love You by bringing You glory in everything I do. I can't do anything without You Jesus, and I was an absolute fool for thinking I could.

You amaze me everyday.

Love,
The lost, and broken girl who loves You more than she's been showing lately.

Love this song. Love them.

Where You Invest Your Love, You Invest Your Life.

It's funny how little things can be really hurtful. Small things can make you feel unappreciated, unworthy, overlooked, guilty, embarrassed, sad, and even angry at times. They can change relationships with people, and make you re-evaluate certain motives.

As miserable as those emotions can make you feel, they mean nothing compared to love you receive from God.

So I know that no matter how I'm feeling right now, God loves me no matter what. His grace is the most amazing and consistent gift any human can receive. I'm humbled by his unconditional love towards me, the messed-up being that I am.

Life's busy, but good! Stressful and tiring, but I'm finding strength and comfort in my God :)

Walls

I don't really like walls, but I'm learning that they're needed... In certain cases.

I set a goal a few months ago to be less "transparent" and I don't know if I've really been successful with that, especially because of circumstances that pretty much immediately followed that. But because of those exact circumstances, I am devoting myself to getting back on track to being less transparent, and the new addition: WALLS

I've never been good at putting them up, but here's to trying.

Flashback!

I just found this picture...

I can't believe how little we both used to be!!

Worship

I don't know about you, but when I think of worship I think of the songs we sing before and after the message at church. I mean, the group in charge of that is called the worship team, right?

At least, that's what I used to think. Don't get me wrong that is worship, but that isn't it's limit. In fact, there really aren't limits to worship.

I've come to realize that worship can be pretty much anything, as long as it's used to bring praise and glory to God. We all have our own ways of worship. Lately it's been running for me. I try to go on runs as often as possible (which is hard because I'm usually exhausted by the time I've finished the day). When I do get to go on a run though, I grab my ipod and listen to Tim Hughes. He has an amazing worship album, that I'll admit singing to while I run. (Luckily no one's around so they don't lose their hearing). But running is a time of worship for me because I get to really spend some quality time with God, praying and singing to Him, while trying not to focus on the worldy things my mind usually goes to. I just think about Him, the ways He's working in my life, and what He might be trying to get through to me.

Believe me, I'm not an athlete, so running doesn't come easy (or fun) to me, but it's gotten to the point where I'll be at work and say to a coworker, "I just really want to go on a run right now" because I actually look forward to it.

It's a great recharger after long days/weeks.

So if you're reading this, I urge you to think of a time you use as worship (or something you can turn into worship even), because this has really turned into something beneficial in my relationship with Christ and I think we can always use some more Jesus :) I'm also really interested in hearing what people do so maybe you can tell me sometime!


Sidenote: I also want to share that I've been hoping to run into some sprinklers since I started the path I currently run, and last night I got to run through THREE sets of sprinklers!!

It. Was. Awesome.

Utah

I got back from Utah on Monday! It was such an amazing trip! Met so many awesome people, learned a lot, and really gained some insight on the future. Unfortunately, I didn't journal every night like I had originally planned, but here's some excerpts from the few nights I did journal...

April 18:

"I'M IN UTAH!! This is unbelievable. I am filled with so many emotions right now. All I know is, it's been a great day."

"We didn't even get out there today, but just from hearing the stories/conversations and just being in this place, I feel so much God! I can't get enough. I know that I am so extremely nervous to talk to people, but my nerves are completely covered up by excitement and happiness to see what God is doing in this place. I think I might want to be a part of that."

April 19:

"Today was mostly spent at Temple Square. It was awesome! I loved having multiple missionaries willing to talk and tour with us."

"Stephen did most of the talking... Scratch that, Stephen did all of the talking. I HAD MY FIRST FAIL THOUGH! I'm looking at failures with a positive mindset because I've really been trying to focus on that struggle lately. Anyway, one of the things I feel somewhat okay discussing is the Mormon idea of eternal families/marriages. Well, one of our tours just happened to take us through a presentation on those very subjects. Stephen gave me the PERFECT set up for a discussion and I completely rejected it! I know I went into today not really wanting to talk, but how could I pass up that opportunity?! I'm such a lame-o sometimes :)"

"So basically today was another great day! One of my favorite things about being here is that almost everything done revolves around Christ.. Especially the conversations! It's all about getting people to come to Him, and constant opportunities that arise out of nowhere! This isn't something I'm used to, and I LOVE IT!"

April 20:

"Today was yet another amazing day in good ole' Utah and I'm falling more and more in love with this place every minute."

"Stephen and I made a second trip to Temple Square today. We got tours of both the Conference Center (which, by the way, is HUGE), and the Beehive house. Stephen again did the conversing, but I didn't feel like a failure. I know it's weird since I didn't talk, but I feel like progress is being made. I'm mentalling preparing myself better with every conversation, and I even had my own conversation with Pat (Conference Center tour guide) in my head while Stephen talked to him and I was able to keep up and remember a few verses!"

"Temple Square is all-around beautiful, and I caught myself not wanting to leave. I have the desire to talk to people.. I just have to take that leap!"

April 24:

"Happy Easter! Today was such a great day, and all of the preparation The Bridge has been doing seemed like it paid off! I was helping out/having fun in the nursery (which is weird, because kids usually make me uncomfortable) so I didn't actually get to see the service but I heard such great things about it! I was lucky enough to get to see the baptism videos, and it was so encouraging to see these 5 different people, all with amazing and different backgrounds, share their testimonies as they took that public confession of faith.

My favorite part had to be after service, though. This was a REALLY big moment for me to witness... While passing out door hangers on Friday night, Stephen, Loren, and I were walking back to the Pankratz' house. We happened to come across an older man named Davy Crockett Numbers who was doing yardwork. (CUTEST old man with an awesome hat, and high-top Chuck Taylors!) He began talking to us, and what started as small talk led to an invite to today's service. He told us how he grew up Mormon, even went on a mission, but then became inactive. He said that he had been to plenty of different churches, and that he was open-minded... It was his wife that was "stuck in her ways." He seemed pretty interested, but of course, you can't get too hopeful. Well, after today's service I was talking to Sheila, a woman who had gotten baptized, and guess who I see walking out of the room with Loren? DAVY CROCKETT NUMBERS!! I was SO EXCITED! I couldn't believe he had come! He joined in mine and Sheila's conversation, and told me about his wife sitting in the truck in the parking lot and how she kept calling him so he turned his phone off to stop the disruptions.. Then he proceeded to tell me about the jewelry he makes, and pulled some out of his jacket which caused me to wonder if he was actually just making jewelry during the service. He quickly put that judgement (I'll admit, I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions) to shame when he told me that he brought it to work on but "Loren's sermon was just too interesting!" HOW AMAZING WAS THAT?! He told me that he'd be coming back, and was even considering baptism in the future.

I can't even explain how much joy that brought to my heart. I'm praying for him and his *hopefully* newfound desire for Christ.. I'm also praying for his wife. I really hope her heart will be softened and she will at least give it a chance"

"Even though I miss people at home, I'm REALLY sad to be leaving this place. It's just so amazing! The opportunities for ministry continue to blow my mind, and from my short time here, I've really grown a huge heart for Utah, and all of the people here."

"Today was such a great day. I couldn't think of any other way to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus! Thank you for the cross!"

Of course there were plenty of other things from the week that I didn't get to journal about, and so many fun things we did, but I've already made this blog post SUPER long! I think I made it really obvious how much I loved the trip, and how life-changing (ahhh.. dramatic me :)) it was, so I'm just going to end with a cumulative list of some things I learned over the week, and some pictures!!


What I learned in Utah: (Taken from journal writings)
-The need to speak up
-Mormons LOVE Stephen (neither of us can figure out why)
-Eli and Asher are by far the cutest kids I've ever met
-GOD IS TOO GOOD!
-All I want to do is study
-Having a strong testimony is really beneficial in conversations
-How to play Bocce Ball, Farkle, and Build a Heresy (All of which have become fav. games)
-How I operate, as far as being put in new situations
-I'm starting to feel comfortable with kids (Or maybe just kids in Utah)
-Why Utah's obsessed with beehives!
-GOD MOVES IN AMAZING WAYS!!
-A VERY deep love for the broken and the lost in Utah
-Trust

Snowy mountains in California on the way!

He apparently didn't enjoy me taking his picture, but this picture looks like he was posing so I think it was just an act :)

First sight of Utah mountains!!

Stephen calls this "Jesus of the Universe," which looks accurate, but the technical name is Christus. Fun fact: Not a single verse in the presentation is from the Book of Mormon.

The Temple. SO BEAUTIFUL!! Too bad they wouldn't let us in ;)

These were on the cross walks.. I don't know, I thought they were kind of cute :)

This is the Conference Center. I wish this picture could do it justice! So big!

Another view of the Temple from the roof of the Conference Center.

Taking a break from moving AWESOME set pieces!

Southern-ish Utah on the way home

This picture just makes me giggle. Scary stick bugs :)


Wanna hear even better blogs about the trip?! Go to Stephen's blog, here

Thankful Thursday

It's my week to join the fab. Call me a follower, whatevs :) I just find it extremely necessary after the emotional few weeks I've been having

Things I am exceptionally thankful for this week..

1. Weakness. I have an ongoing struggle with accepting weakness/failure/embarrassment, etc. and while studying for Utah it's really been showing. Though I could just quit, I won't. God finds strength in weakness, and I just have to get over the fear and be more faithful.

2. Struggle.

3. My LDS missionaries. Okay, I don't mean to claim ownership over them.. I just say "my" because it makes it easier to distinguish between them and other missionaries. I have so much love for these guys, and they're such genuine people. We had lunch today, which turned into 4 hours of talking about life, Utah, TV shows, In-N-Out vs. Five Guys, iPhone apps, and of course religious differences. What started out as a teacher/student type relationship has easily turned into a friendship that I hope can continue. Talking with them is just easy. They listen to what I have to say, and I listen to what they have to say. They're respectful in their conversations, and I really pray they come to the true Christ.

4. My sister. I can't even believe how grown up she's getting. It honestly scares me, in some ways. I think about where I was my second half of high school, and that she'll be a junior next year and I know she's going to be a lot smarter than I was. We've grown extremely close over the last few months and I'm really excited to see where God takes her now that she's letting Him take over :)

5. My job

6. My best friend, Kasey Maxwell. (No, I'm not doing this because she did it for me last week. Haha) She is honestly one of the most kind-hearted people I know. She is always genuinely happy to see me/talk to me/listen to me, and I think that's rare in people. I miss her lots, and I'm glad I was able to get some Kasey-Tayler time last weekend. We're still the same person... Scary :)

7. Not everything going my way

8. The gift of grace. Studying the Mormon religion has really helped me learn a lot about myself, my relationship with God, and Christianity. I see how unconditionally loving God is, and the grace He gives to us at the cost of the cross. He's given me the most amazing gift imaginable. Why wouldn't I be willing to give up everything in order to gain HIM?

9. Learning to love the right way. I've really been reflecting over 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 lately, and though it is a widely-used, almost overrated few verses in some sense, it's really underrated in others!! It truly is the definition of love, and should serve as an outline of the way we should love.

10. Being able to focus in on goals, and seeing parts of them as realistic.

The Gospel is Simple.

The more I learn about Christianity, God, and even the world, the more I see that everything goes back to the cross.

I love the Gospel. It's just so simple, and amazing. I feel like the simplicity is often forgotten.

Jesus died for us so that we could have eternal life, even as the sinful people that we are. Jesus' blood covers our sin.

He did the suffering for us.

That took some time to soak in. Once it did, it hit me... THAT'S IT! That's the Gospel. There is no "grace and..." It has nothing to do with what I give in return. God isn't asking for a payment from me, because Christ paid it for me.

"It is by grace you are saved, through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God; it is not from works, so that no one can boast."
-Ephesians 2:8-9

I feel like I often times get so wrapped up in trying to do good deeds, that I forget about that.

Once we have faith in God's gift of grace to us, the Spirit will become a part of us and we'll produce good "fruit" (or works). We won't do these things in hope of being saved, but we do these things to give glory to the God that already saved us through Jesus.

We aren't trying to prove ourselves, we're saying,

"Look God, I owe you everything. You may not be asking for much, but please, take it all."

The Gospel is simple, and important to remember it as exactly that. We unknowingly add to it as if His grace isn't enough, but it is! My sin is covered, as long as I have faith in Jesus and the works He did for me.

Fear Be Gone

There truly is just something so intriguing about nighttime. I used to be afraid of it, but now I can't get enough. I love this picture, because I can't explain what it is, but there's just something about well-lit fields that make me want to run through them at night!

I need someone to run through these fields with.

Honest Frustrations

I have so many things that I know I want to blog about, especially the famine! But there's one problem: I am completely unmotivated.

Last Thursday was the worst meeting I've had with the missionaries, and it honestly left me questioning how cut out for this I actually am. Now, I don't know if it's because I'm still having trouble recovering from last week, or if it's the lack of support and direction I'm feeling, but I'd rather do ANYTHING than go meet today.

I'm not going to do that though, because I don't want to run away from problems.

I don't know what to study. I don't know what to do. I don't even know who to lean on about it right now because people I should talk to about this are distant. THAT is the most frustrating thing of all.

I'm leaving for Utah in about a week and a half, and I don't think I'm ready. At this point, I don't see myself ever becoming ready. What is going on? Why am I feeling this way?


I'm now afraid.. And when I'm afraid, I clam up so much so that I contemplate giving up.


Going to have some serious prayer within the next 2 hours.

Nonsense Due to Sleep-Deprivation and Scatterbrained-ness

Yes, the title sums up me right now.

I'm trying to finish up famine stuff. I'm sleep-deprived, hungry (what a good way to prepare for the famine, huh?), and curious to know why my left leg is hurting.

Thoughts in my brain:

1. Left leg.. Why you be hurting, yo?
2. My Beautiful Surrender's new music is good stuff (They're practicing in the other room)
3. I'm ready for bed.
4. Wow I have no idea how to understand my brain right now
5. Today I cried. Grrr
6. My weekly Thursday meeting was lousy (see #5)
7. The Tim Keller podcast that I listened to today was really really good
8. I can't please everyone. I should stop thinking I can.
9. Famine is tomorrow. Why are you blogging about nonsense?
10. Do I really have as much to do as I think?
11. I should probably cut some felt right now
12. [Blank on purpose]
13. I love when random songs on shuffle are so good
14. Istanbul, not Constantinople
15. It feels so good outside. I should take a walk
16. Dangit, I missed 10:12 again
17. I'M SO BLESSED! I have amazing people in my life.
18. More importantly, I have an amazing GOD in my life.
19. It's all about the Gospel. Grace is a gift, whether we like it or not.
20. I should stop now. I didn't really sleep last night, so I probably should tonight.
21. One last thing.. Kasey Maxwell I miss you and thanks for making my day with that HeyTell :)


Lots of other thoughts are crossing my mind at the moment. Back to work I go. La la la la

Random Metaphors of Life

Lately, I've been feeling somewhat disconnected from God. When I say lately, I mean just this week, but no matter how long.. It's a pretty awful feeling.

Yesterday I cancelled my meeting with the missionaries in hopes that I could reconnect, or at least clear my mind enough to begin to reconnect.

Honestly, I felt extremely sluggish at first. I just kind of sat around and watched TV when I got off of work, but eventually I snapped out of it and, after listening to a podcast about the gospel I started to feel more motivated to take on the day. So I set off on probably the longest, and most agonizing bike ride I've ever been on. I'm pretty sure it was pushing 17 miles (I'm no athlete), not to mention the cold rain and wind.

The point of this isn't to talk about my day, though. I want to talk about two revelations I had.

1. My bike ride seemed metaphorical to me. (If you follow me on twitter you might have seen my tweet, and here's an explanation)

Here I was, in the beginning of my ride, excited. I love love love cold weather and had even hoped it would start raining while I was on the trail. That's how I feel like Christian life feels at times. We get this 'God high' when we're feeling really connected to Him, and even say "bring it" to temptation and hardship, or in my case, wind, rain, and ultimately dry spells from God. That's a great feeling, but it doesn't always feel that way. When the rain and wind actually begin, and we realize how difficult the path in front of us is going to be, we aren't so excited anymore. We become uneasy, and even start to doubt, just hoping to get to the end..

The path begins to feel never-ending, because all we're focused on is enduring. We rely on God and all we want is for Him to help see us to the end. Now, it's definitely good to appreciate and rely on God during tough times, but instead of only focusing on getting to "the light at the end of the tunnel," maybe we should spend some time figuring out how God could use us in these situations. Ask yourself, "How can I glorify God in this time?" and/or "What can I do to experience joy from God during this situation?" It's a way of seeing positive in the negative.. You know, glass half full kind of shtuff.

But then we get to the end! For me, it was the beautiful sight of my car as I came up that last hill. This is the time where we can breathe, relax, and hopefully have a better understanding. We come out of these dry spells or hardships wiser, with a clear head and ready to meditate on how we were used by God and what we learned. Maybe, hopefully, we are even a happier and stronger Christian because of it.

This leads me to #2..

2. Dry spells with God are normal, you just have to know how to handle them. While on my bike ride, I just so happened to be listening to a podcast by Tim Keller about exactly that. The most moving part to me was when he said, "If nothing else, talk to God." If I feel an absence from God, who better to talk to about it than Him? I shouldn't just 'endure to the end' of it and hope that I'll get over it, I need to be proactive through it!


My "metaphorical bike ride" was necessary and definitely successful. Not only do I feel recharged (if you are an introvert like me, you know exactly what I'm talking about), but I'm also feeling much better about this dry spell. I feel like it's behind me, for the most part, and that's a comforting feeling :)

LDS Conversations. (Pt. 1)

This desire to evangelize has been rapidly growing inside of me lately, and I've found that the Mormon church has found a nice little spot in my heart :) So I've been trying to prepare myself for conversations, and future Utah trips I'm going on, and after going to Mormon Ward (church) with Stephen on Sunday I set up a meeting with a couple of missionaries.

Yesterday was that meeting. It was my first conversation with members of the LDS church, and I was pleasantly surprised when Marco (whom is a member I met on Sunday) was there along with Sister Philips (I didn't meet her on Sunday, but they brought her along so I wouldn't worry about being the only girl. She's so sweet, and I was glad she was there), as well as the two missionaries I got to know on Sunday were all there. They were as welcoming as they were on Sunday, and I didn't feel awkward at all, even with the fact that I went there BY MYSELF, without Stephen leading the way.

Sidenote: There's just something about those people that I just can't get enough of! I'm usually pretty socially awkward in certain situations, but I'm normal around them. Possibly even more outgoing! I treat them as if they've been my friends for years. I joke, I ask questions about their life, etc. The small group I encountered this past week has been collectively one of the nicest groups of people I've ever met, and I just love them so much! Anyway, back to the story, I just wanted to share how much I enjoy these people :)

I knew that it wasn't going to be this huge breakthrough conversation, heck I somewhat even expected a few tears, but I didn't expect that halfway through the conversation I would think, "Ughhhh can I just leave already?" (I had already been awake for over 30 hours, so I'm sure that didn't help, but I'm not going to blame it on my own personal decisions). I just felt somewhat cornered. No doubt, I asked for it, but it didn't suck any less.

My point of this isn't to cut myself down, or dedicate an entire blog post about how awful I did.. I just wanted to share how encouraged it made me feel. It probably sounds weird, but in a way, it really did hype me up.

This talk helped me realize that I have to put so much more time and effort into this! Honestly, I still don't even understand half of the whole idea of Mormonism, (which I guarantee was extremely evident yesterday) so how can I expect to successfully "plant stones" without more studying?

I've been dreading the idea of the "first conversation." And although I didn't exactly leave too proud of myself, I am aware of new areas to strengthen, and know more of what to expect. I'm excited to see what God brings me in future conversations!

"Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it"
-1 Peter 3:15

Failure.

Being a new believer is tough, but I wasn't quite aware of that until recently. My old self had many struggles that my new self would never even think twice about, but God has made me notice a past struggle that seems to be trying to creep it's way back into my life: The fear of failure.

Lately, I've been so afraid of failing and of what other people think that I've been holding myself back.

I stayed here (in Fresno) in order to try new ministry opportunities that cause me to step outside of my comfort zone, and here I am taking steps backwards just because I'm afraid of doing something wrong.

Someone once told me that the best advice they ever got was,

"You are going to fail so stop trying not to. God is big enough to use our failures for greatness."

So why am I so afraid of failing?

Any reason I come up with isn't good enough. God doesn't care if I succeed or fail because I'm at least making an attempt, and an effort to glorify Him.

I'm stepping back out of my comfort zone, risking humiliation and failure, because not only will He make something great out of it, but because He's worth it.

"Let me hear of Your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting You.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to You"
-Psalm 143:8

"Father Let My Heart Be After You"

This song is so amazing. Just let the lyrics sink in..

Garden by needtobreathe:

Won't you take this cup from me
Cause fear has stolen all my sleep
If tomorrow means my death
Pray you'll save their souls with it

Let the songs I sing bring joy to you
Let the words I say confess my love
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

In this hour of doubt I see
Who I am is not just me
So give me strength to die myself
So love can live to tell the tale

Let the songs I sing bring joy to you
Let the words I say confess my love
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune

Father let my heart be after you

Father let my heart be
For you
For you
For you
For you

Let the songs I sing bring joy to you
Let the words I say confess my love
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

Father let my heart be after you

Dear God,

Staying here was probably the best thing for me. The insecurities and small amounts of discouragement I've felt are nothing to how happy I am in the place that YOU have led me to. You know, I don't even understand how I could EVER be worthy of any of this, but that's just how great You are! Things that You do are so big, that we, as humans, can't even imagine them! You are worthy of so much love and glory that I hope I can give you as much as humanly possible.

THANK YOOOUUUUUU!

Forever Yours,
Tayler

Today I Realized...

I am the "odd man out" in my family.
I don't really fit in.
You know, the awkward family member who's obnoxious?
That's me.


I like it :)

Thankful... Saturday?

It's been awhile since I've posted a blog about things I'm thankful for. I know it's kind of a random day (Saturday) to be posting something like that but that's what makes it so perfect.

1. I like to spice things up :)
2. We should be thankful EVERYDAY. (Even after an exhausting, catch-up week)

I am thankful for...

Our boat selling, a comfy bed, a cat that sleeps on my back, warm water, honest friends, The Beatles, surrendering, getting my job back and getting to keep Sundays off, having things to look forward to, taking big risks, Sugar Pine, Teazer, quiet time, my new Bible, Emergen-C, road trips, Modern Family, God's love, Jr. Highers, being awkward, my obsessive compulsive list making, people who will help me out at the drop of a hat, excitement, prayer, spare change, new TOMS, bear hugs, the ability to help my parents out financially, feeling closer to Jesus.


"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus"
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

"The Grass Is Always Greener Where You Water It"

*All credit for the title of this blog goes to Stephen Morales.


So I'm just going to come right out and say it; I'm not going to Biola tomorrow, I'm not moving in on Wednesday, and I'm not starting classes on Monday.

I made the decision yesterday to stay home, and I'm 100% happy about it!

Let me explain..
If you know me, you know I love youth ministry and would love to be a youth pastor at some point in my life. I've been helping out at youth group since the end of summer, and have really grown to love the kids.. Last weekend, I got a last-minute invite to be a counselor at Jr. High's winter camp. I said yes, fully aware of all of the things I needed to do with Biola, but there was no question in my mind; I was going. What a perfect way to say good bye to some of the kids! At least, that's what I thought.

After being completely surrounded by jr. highers and youth pastors for only a day, I had a sudden change of heart. I realized that not only do I not want to leave Fresno, but I actually think I'm SUPPOSED to stay here.

Sugar Pine wasn't the "perfect good bye" that I thought it would be, it was the one thing that would finally get me to see that I still have room to grow here at home... In youth ministry

That is where God wants me right now.

But why in Fresno when I can major in Children's Ministries at Biola? Because there is no one I'd rather have as my mentor than Stephen Morales, there is no church I'd rather grow in than CCF, and there are no kids I'd rather teach, and be taught from, than the kids I spent last weekend with.

After talking to Stephen, it's been decided that I will be like an unofficial intern to him. I will help with lessons, administrative work, devotionals, and anything else he throws my way while teaching me the ropes of youth ministry. I think there's even going to be a syllabus involved. Haha :)

Unfortunately, I will be taking another semester off due to it being so late in the semester. I postponed my acceptance for Biola until the fall '11 semester, so it's possible that I might be going then, but I'm already leaning towards going to City College for my GE, and then transferring to a Christian College afterward. Depending on where I am then, that school might be Biola, but it very well might be Fresno Pacific.. I'm trying not to think that far in advanced, though.

I'm still technically a Starbuck's partner, but I only have a couple more weeks to find a store to transfer to. I would absolutely LOVE to be picked back up at my store, but I'm completely aware of the slim chance of that happening. I'm looking into other stores around the Fresno/Clovis area, as well. I need to be working, but I don't want to work any more than 20 hours a week. I want to put most of my time and energy into this opportunity.

I just gave up an AMAZING school to stay in Fresno and not be in school for another semester, but there is not a single part of me that's sad, or regretting it!! I am so incredibly excited for this amazing opportunity, that I honestly just can't contain myself. I cannot wait to learn amazing things from Stephen, help out CCF, continue making breakthroughs with the jr. highers, and glorify God! I think this is going to be such an amazing opportunity and I just can't wait to get started! I think Stephen and I will make a great team, and maybe someday I'll have soaked up enough to be a youth pastor all on my own!

Thank you to everyone who has supported me and been just about as excited as I am, thank you Stephen Morales for being so great and making my idea reality, and thank you God for making my rash decisions the best decisions of all :)


**UPDATE 1/25: This might seem like a crazy idea, but that's why I'm so happy I'm doing it! This is the next step in me completely surrendering to God. Even though Biola would be a sacrifice financially, staying home is a big sacrifice in so many more ways, but I know that God is bigger than these things, and I fully trust that He knows what He's doing. I'm willing to take this huge risk in order to glorify Him, and grow closer with Him here.

Crazy, Unbelievably REAL, Love!

"After reading Crazy Love, I have learned enough to cause me to look at life differently. By life, I mean Christ. I want to be so in love with God that I do things that the American church would call "radical" or even "crazy." I want to have so much faith in my Creator that I would give up things in my life in order to further the Kingdom without even thinking twice. THAT is what the Bible calls us to do, but we get so comfortable on earth that we forget about that, and God. My life has already been moved by the Holy Spirit in the three days it took me to read the book, and I pray that the Spirit continues to move me in ways that will further the Kingdom of Go, and bring me closer to HIM!"

----> I wrote that on Sunday at college group. Since then, I really have been thinking about going down to L.A. jobless. My amazing manager gave me an extra week to find another store, and as grateful as I am to have this opportunity, I can't help but want to say no. I could grow SO MUCH closer to God by giving up my comfortable job, with steady pay and benefits. By having to completely, 100%, rely on God's faithfulness I could go down there with no job, in a city where I know 3 people, at a school that is far too expensive for my family and me, and I know that God will provide for me no matter how risky it may be.

Isn't it so true that when times are tough you feel so much closer to God??

That's the kind of crazy, radical love I should have for our Lord! The kind where I give up comfort, and stability, just to be closer to Him!

I'd do it for a spouse, so why shouldn't I do it for my Lord and Savior?


I HIGHLY encourage that everyone reads Crazy Love.
(The front cover isn't kidding when it says it'll change your life.)

COUNTDOWN!!

Currently listening to: Watermark by Sleeping At Last


Countdown until..

Last day of work: 8 days (Only 6 more shifts!)
Leaving for Biola: 20 days
Move-In: 21 days
First day of school: 26 days


Eeek!

Everything's coming together (I hope!). I'm just waiting to hear back from financial aid before I go through phase II of registration. I'd love to know where my dorm is and who my roommate is, but I guess I can wait... For now ;)

Michael left for Vanguard today, which just proves to me how quickly the next 20 days are going to be.

I cannot WAIT :)

Our Life Begins With This.

Currently listening to: Umbrellas by Sleeping at Last



If I just stay at home will this night promise not to end?

...Didn't think so.
Better get on with it.


"Cause you were meant for amazing things"

If There's No One Beside You, When Your Soul Embarks..

Currently listening to: I'll Follow You Into The Dark
(by the lovely Death Cab for Cutie.)


It's the first day of 2011. Wait, 2010 is Over?! I honestly feel this holiday season went by without me even being aware that it was happening. I've been so busy that it all just flew by!

With that being said, the best year of my life (so far) is over and done with. With both the good and the bad, I couldn't be more happy with the events of the year behind us, or more excited for the year ahead.

A Summary of 2010..
Bowling, iPod/iTunes references, New Year's with Catchprase then staying up until 6:30 am, staying awake at Austin's until 4 am EVERY night, Teazer runs with Kasey, Parachute, one Teazer run in particular, Jesus, Death Cab, SLO trip in the pouring rain, ruined boots, the original 6, the Tank game, Oka, confusing futures, the nasty dirty Tempurpedic mattress, Pismo girl trip, After church Panera lunches, MBS shows, Valentine's Day bike ride to the Lavagnino's, totaling Toby on the way to SLO trip #2, Vikki keeping Kasey's Birthday Weekend Extravaganza everything it was supposed to be, job hunting, 6 Flags with Jordan and Tommy, coming home from Hollywood with literally nothing to mine and Jordan's names, Voodoo Hannah Montana, new music, spring break in SLO, A Day Without Shoes, mud volleyball, just blow soams daddy chunks like a boss, becoming a Barista, trouble at home, Kasey's grad, Mexico, SWC, Ikea, Red Airplanes, Bonfire Voyage, SLO trip #4,5,6, Jr. High Group, Mae, moving, the good ole' days, Disneyland trip #1, my birthday, applying to Biola, Disneyland trip #2 with the Fast's, movie nights, meowing, Practically Perfect Halloween, Biola acceptance, In N Out, Christmas '10, New Year's at the Herrick's...

Most importantly, I realized that I have the most amazing group of people in my life. God has really blessed me with great company. These are tight-knit friendships that I know are here to stay. Even though we are all coming into our own as different people, this last year has bonded us in a way that I know can't be broken.

All I have to say to 2011 is you have a lot to live up to. I can't wait to see what you have in store :)