For Now, I'm Just Trying to Stay Afloat.

Today, I need an outlet.  And today instead of paper and pen my outlet is this blog that I haven't looked at in a year and a half.

I need to preface [mostly for myself] that I live an incredible life that yes is full of twists and turns, but is also filled with so much good that I still neglect to remember in the midst of the twists and turns.  I get to wake up every day to a loving husband who sternly and lovingly tells me no every time I tell him I want to quit school because he knows I'm lying to myself, and knows that no matter how many times I say "I'm not made for school" that those are also lies that will never be true no matter how much I believe it at a given moment.  I have friends who send me gifts to remind me that I'm missed and loved, friends that not only embrace the novel-length text messages I send when they ask me how I'm doing, but respond with the same novel-length texts reminding me that all of this is temporary and there is a greater good in it all.  Friends that love me without condition and encourage me no matter how many times I cry and complain and play the same whiny record that has been my heart and mind lately.  I have an incredible support system in my parents and my sister.  Parents who make me feel like nothing is impossible, and a sister that I know I can share all of my dirty laundry with and she'll still look at me like I've still got my life together and somehow still want my advice on life. I go to an incredible university and am truly a part of two great programs that stretch me and force me to push myself to lengths that I never realized were so difficult for me to get to but that I DO get to.

I also am a daughter to an incredibly loving and faithful God, without whom I cannot get through.

And here's where my online journaling begins today...

Ten minutes ago I sat in the student center at school (thankfully *mostly* out of sight) CRYING, like tears streaming uncontrollably down my face.  I've already told a professor that I will in no way be prepared for a test today, begging him to let me take it on Monday, and I have a paper that is essentially an empty page at this point due in less than an hour, and I'm sitting here CRYING, having not even taken out my books to research and study.

Thankfully the tears have subsided but I just started thinking... I'm literally holding on with all of my might just to survive right now.  There has been so much going on this year that I have continuously felt like I'm sprinting behind trying to catch up and the moment I do catch up, I fall back to where I was and have to start sprinting before I can even catch my breath.  It wasn't until yesterday that I actually started processing that we're already finishing the fifth week of the semester and it makes sense that I now have multiple papers and multiple tests scheduled this week and next.

I turned on my normal "worship-y" Pandora station a bit ago and my first three songs were in this order:
1. Phil Wickham- Heaven Song [cue tears]
2. Jesus Culture- He is Faithful [not usually a fan of Jesus Culture, but I love this song and once again, cue giant tears]
3. Hillsong- Oceans

Heaven Song came on and I thought, "Man, P. Wickham is right.  I really cannot wait to run on greener pastures and be with Jesus in heaven where life just won't be hard anymore."  Then He is Faithful came on and I struggled to let "He has paid the biggest price" sink in because really, fathoming the Gospel is something really difficult to do lately.  Then Oceans came on and I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'd love to be taken deeper than my feet could ever wander, but I'm just struggling to stay afloat and really am just hoping for some help in the doggy-paddle department right now so I'm not really wanting to think much about this song right now"

And that's when I thought; Jesus has me in this place.  Jesus is WITH me in this place. Jesus felt like this and DIED for this! Isn't that unbelievable?! It's probably not a coincidence that this is the first week of Lent. A time where we remember what we are as humans, and reflect on the goodness of our God, who humbled Himself and came to die on the cross and beat death so that we don't have to be enslaved by it. For us to meet him in places like I've been in for far too long and learn to trust that He's carrying us through.

Learning to trust is hard.  I've been sucked dry of all motivation and energy the last few months, and I've gotten to the point where I go home and either want to sleep or binge-watch Netflix in order to check out and not deal with things. My heart is hardened to good, and I've been believing some really awful lies about myself for so long that I've almost forgotten HOW to combat those lies.  So today my goal is to pray every. single. time. that I think I can't do this.  It's already a struggle, but it's my only hope--Turning to the One who truly loves me enough to die for me to be freed from this very place I'm in right now. 

Bless the Lord, oh my soul.



I know this is sporadic, but if you are reading this it's because this was mostly just supposed to be written for an audience of me. But if you're reading this, I'm not mad! Thanks for meeting me in this place and hey if you're in this place you're not alone. I hope you feel encouraged and loved no matter where you are right now.

July 30, 2012

On July 30, 2012 I left the state of California.  I had no idea what to expect, and I had [have] no idea how long I'd be gone.

But I did it. I moved... to Missouri.

And here I am, a year later, sitting in the room I've called home for the last year, doing everything humanly possible to put off packing (because packing is awful).

Because in a week I move again.. But this time, to a new home a bit deeper into Missouri.

The place I moved here to move to.

Before I type anything else, can I just praise how good our God is?  This faithful, loving God, who I neglected more often than I care to admit this past year.  This God who has already given me the most incredible life, and is continuing me on my journey to the next chapter of this life a week from today?

I've been really sentimental lately since I'm in the midst of a ton of "one-year anniversaries".  So I looked at my journal from right around the time that I was packing to move here last year and it was filled with anxieties about not having enough time to get everything done, but it was also filled with some sweet, sweet moments with the Lord.  And it was convicting, because though I still have "quiet times", those sweet moments seem to be few and far between.

I realized that this year I've lost a lot of my dependence on God.  If I'm being honest, this has been one of the most difficult years of my life.  I have seen some wonderful fruit come out of this move, but being so far away from home for the first time, and everything else that happened this year has left me feeling lonely, REALLY lonely.

So I did what most humans like me do, I shut down.  I hid myself.  And I ended up hiding myself from the One who I needed most.

I truly believe that moving here was an act that was well-thought out, and that there was nothing inside of me screaming DON'T DO THIS!  But ever since I've arrived, it seems to be blow after blow, and I constantly find myself wondering when it's going to end? Or, when can I move to Columbia? Or, what would be different if I had stayed in California? These thoughts have consumed my brain and it's not fair.  Because that's not depending on the Lord.  That's not even THINKING about the Lord.

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:11-13

These verses were sent to me the other night.  At first I thought it was an odd timing to send me something like that, but the more I thought about that passage and the more I wrestled with the passage, the more I felt stirring in my heart.

This past year has not been for nothing.  I've met some incredible people, lived in an unreal and awesome city, and have grown up in ways I can hardly fathom, but as I pack up my life in Kansas City, and move on to this new chapter filled with new friends, a new [35,000 student] school, and a new Starbucks (holla!), I'm looking to gain my dependence not on all of these things, or the sudden exciting-but-also-really-scary feeling of not being in a long-distance relationship anymore, but remembering to be content in the Lord.  Remembering that He wants to be a part of all of this, and is eagerly pursuing me every second of every day.

Gratitude.

Happy Weekend!! And yes, yes it IS a happy weekend because I have it off.  This means jammers all day, and partying (err sleeping) all night!  I mean, don't be too incredibly jealous because I have an un-Godly amount of homework to do over the next few weeks, but I'm in the home stretch and tomorrow I get to see a dear project friend!!

When I went to start journaling this morning I just kept thinking about things I'm grateful for.  There's a blog I follow who does a similar thing every week so I must have had it on the brain.  I finally decided to start writing them down, and then decided I would share them on here as well...

So here's to gratitude!

For slow Saturday mornings who's only requirements are coffee and Jesus.

For a man who pursues me, and loves me the way my heart loves.

For random kitties who make my heart want to burst with love

For a week of thunderstorms that get this California girl's heart pumping.

For a roommate who shares her computer charger with me every time mine bites the dust.

For dreaming big and knowing Who's in control.

For a God who knows what He's doing, and is never shaken by my doubt.

What are you grateful for?

Sidenote: When did it become April 20th? It's almost MAY! I have been looking forward to the month of May for I don't even know how long.  My best friend in the entire world is getting married to her best friend, my sister graduates high school, my first full-time-student-while-working-full-time semester ends, my sweet boyfriend's birthday, parent's anniversary, I get to go to California TWICE, two of my roommates head to Greece, the list goes on... Cannot WAIT! Let's just hope the weather gets warm and stays that way this time ;)

Intentional

So far so good on this Bible plan I'm on! I know it's only been 10 days but I still get so excited when I get down in the Word. I'm already seeing fruit in my quiet time. Yay!

But lately I've really been struggling with how I can make this semester productive. I kind of spent last semester "settling in" and dealing with all of the changes that have been going on. I didn't really invest in much other than work. The majority of my relationships have been kept surface level, even the ones back in California that have been deeper before.

I decided that this semester is going to be spent loving others, and really diving in to deeper relationships with those around me, and those back in Clovis. God has given me this awesome journey to take part in but in no way does He want me to keep it all to myself. I want to share it with this community of believers, and the nonbelievers I've come into friendships with, and let them be a part of my journey as well.

So my new word is INTENTIONAL. This semester I am back to my one job, and more excitingly I'm back in school! I am entering a new season in my Kansas City journey, and I am praying earnestly to intentionally build relationships, experience my city, progress in my education, and find joy in my God! 

A love letter to the year 2012

Dear 2012,

Are you kidding me? Thanks for rocking my socks off and being the best year to date! I had some of the highest highs and some of the lowest lows, but believe me when I say it was the scariest and most fulfilling year so far.

With you came so many checks off of my bucket list, so many tears of pain and of joy, so many epiphanies, heartaches, dances, and new adventures.

My favorite part of you had to be when I went overseas for the first time, and I'm sure that comes as no surprise. Those 6 weeks were spent doing so many things that I never thought I would do or could do, and what better way to see a beautiful country of Europe than by being there to further God's kingdom and make life-long friendships with some of the most beautiful people I've ever met? It brought so many life-altering decisions and changes, and I learned a lot I liked about myself and a whole lot I didn't like about myself.

2012, you were so good to me and all year I just kept thinking NONE of this would have happened if it wasn't for my lover of a God. The God who wants to lavish me and give me the deepest desires and adventures in my heart. Thank you, 2012, for letting God use you to mold me into the daughter I'm meant to be. I am so sad that you are gone, but I know that this is just the beginning.

You'll be dearly missed, but I'll always hold our memories close. You brought growth and that's all I can ask for.

Love,
Tayler

__________________________________________________________

I'm not really one to make New Year's Resolutions because I can't keep them for the life of me, but this year I've decided to do a 49 week walk through the Bible. In my 3 years as a believer I have never read the entire thing through, and I've decided that now more than ever it's my desire to know more about my God.

This is where I LIVE now.

It has been so long since I've blogged! I guess life has been slightly crazy... By my California standards it's super cold here in the Midwest, but I have yet to see any snow fall (and yes, I am very upset about this). This morning I was drinking coffee with one of my roommates who had already been outside and this is the conversation we had:

Rachel: "It was like 19 degrees outside earlier!"
Me: "But... There's still no snow?"
Rachel: "Nope"
Me: "Dangit! Where's the snow?!"
Rachel: [very lovingly] "Tayler, just because it's cold enough to snow doesn't mean it will."

I guess I didn't realize how often I ask her when it's going to snow :)

So that's my frustration with the weather lately... Oh, and the fact that these drastic weather changes cause my entire head to rebel against my body and my allergies cause me to be sick for days.


But onto bigger and better things: Exciting (but also really kind of scary) news.....

 I'm officially a resident of Missouri!

After jumping through hoops for days to try and register my car in the Show-Me-State, I finally finished everything this afternoon! I also got my MO driver's license, and registered to vote in good ole' Jackson County!

It just got real. Missouri is where I live.

Yeah, I mean I've been here for 4 months (holy shiz, that's 1/3 of a year!) and all, but now it's where I LIVE. When I'm driving down the road, I won't feel like I have a big sign on my car saying, "hey turn and look at this girl because she's not from around here!" or when I'm driving through traffic I won't feel like I'm being judged for "driving like a Californian" (I promise I'm not a crazy driver I just DOMINATE in traffic). I'm just going to be another Missourian driving through town!

No regrets. Never have I ever felt this kind of an exhilarating relationship with my good and faithful Lord!

Next week I go back to Clovis for Christmas so if you're reading this and you live in Clovis, LET'S GO TO KUPPA JOY OR IN N OUT!! :)

It's OCTOBER!

October is-and will-always be my favorite month of the year. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't just because my birthday is in the month of October (October 12th, by the way. And yes, I love my birthday more than most people should).

October means fall, and this is going to be the first fall I experience outside of California. I love California fall dearly because the temperature finally comes down from un-Godly temperatures, but this will be the first year I experience a real fall: Beautiful colors, chilly weather, scarves, crunchy falling leaves, pumpkin candles, folky music, hot chocolate, Frank Sinatra (oh.. my man), and everything else that is good in the Midwest fall. I guess I got carried away and added some things I just want to do regardless of where I'm currently living :)

My roommates have been out of town on a retreat all weekend so I used this weekend to do nothing except stay warm and sleep.. So boring, I know. But now I'm ready to explore the world outside me and see some of what my favorite month entails here in Missouri!

I'm doing some exciting things to celebrate my birthday, like going back to Cali for my ACTUAL birthday weekend, and heading over to CoMo for my "Columbia birthday" the week after.

But I want to have the best-first-real-October ever so now I'm inspired to make a little October goal list:

1. Listen to Frank and the rest of the Rat Pack.
2. Make homemade granola
3. Watch an old movie I've never seen (any suggestions?) while eating homemade popcorn
4. Take up a new hobby
5. Go out and explore KC more
6. Take more pictures
7. Make as many things out of pumpkin as possible
8. Go to a pumpkin patch
9. Do a Facebook fast! (seriously.. now that I have internet I get so sucked in)
10. Spend an entire day with the Lord

...Now to go get started on the exploring :)

Awake my soul, oh Lord.

I have always found purpose in responsibility. Not just one responsibility, but being up to my neck in responsibilities. I feel like I find comfort in that, and from being known. I don't even like new places because I get so uneasy about looking like I have no idea what I'm doing. Even from the moment I became a Christian I threw myself into the church for responsibility and being "known". I really think I was deep-down finding my identity in those things.

You know that moment when you become an adult and you really find out who you are and you are comfortable with it? I don't think I have honestly ever had that, and today I realized that is why I'm here.. Or at least, that's the beginning of why I'm here.

Today was a beautiful [traces of fall] day so I decided to walk to my fav. coffee shop to steal Internet instead of driving there. On my way home I was all of a sudden overcome with emotion because I realized I have never known myself more than I did in that moment. I have never been so aware of me, of God, of the beauty that is this day, and just how much I love where I am/what God has done in my life. I immediately broke down in tears and praise because it just hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't help but be in awe of what a great God I serve!

I realized that this time, this place, and some of these people are exactly what I have been needing to finally come into my own.

In Missouri I am virtually a nobody-I have little responsibility, it's highly unlikely for me to see someone I know on the street, and I don't have a name to live up to.

All I truly have is God, and He is helping me figure out how to be an adult, how to spend time/worship Him, how to be honest and accountable, and how to be 100% myself and not the person who accommodates to others.

Yes, I am almost 21 years old, and yes I do think God brought me all the way to Missouri (after beginning this all in Greece, by the way) to awake my soul and awake those passions and desires in me that He created me to have and use for His glory.

Clovis will always be near and dear to my heart. And who knows, I may end up there one day. I built a testimony there, made never ending friendships there (that's right, I do believe in long-distance so you're not losing me), and I learned a lot of really great things, but I think it's time to embrace being a nobody and let God mold me into the adult that follows Him everywhere, anywhere, and to anyone HE wants.

sometimes i really miss greece

...a lot.

Thank GOD that I get to see 6 of these beautiful folks in 6 days :)

with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

Today I worked, had some delicious KC BBQ (I'm hooked and have no idea how I lived without it), napped, then took a lovely walk in the rain for some froyo!

I just love the rain. And the Midwest.

Hope everyone's having as wonderful weekend as I seem to be having :)

life updates...

1. My new Starbucks store is awesome! I loved my old store, but I must say it's a nice breath of fresh air being in a cafe store.. No more haunting "beep" in my ear all day.

2. Residency for Missouri is crazy. Granted, it's all really doable and I'll have no problem getting it all done, but I feel like I'm selling my soul to the state! It's definitely still something I want to do, but I'm obviously emotionally attached to the state of California and I'm saving things on the residency checklist like getting a Missouri license and registering to vote in the state of Missouri for later on in the year.

3. I'm absolutely, 100% obsessed with How I Met Your Mother. WHY did I wait so long to watch this show?! Also, I don't have internet so if I want to watch it on Netflix I have to go to a coffee shop.. Duh I do it. No shame.

4. Today I decided it was hot.. Hey Fresno, it's only 90 degrees. Go ahead and hate me all you want

5. I miss my friends at home SO incredibly much but I love my friends here a lot!!

6. Being a real adult is really exciting to me. Having to budget in gas, groceries, and everything I else I spend is challenging but I just love it!

7. I bought the most amazing mattress and every time I get on my bed I immediately sink in and "hang out" (aka cat nap) for a little bit

8. I really miss my kitties. I really miss kitties in general!! I have 1 roommate who loves cats.. If only I could somehow find a cat and take it and make it my own..

9. My allergies are absolutely killing me here. I have no idea why, either. I lived in FRESNO. Like, really? I didn't know it could get worse than that but it has. I constantly want to scratch my face off.

10. God is really moving and changing me. It's sad to feel like I've left a life I used to love, but I know God is maturing me in more way than I can imagine. I'm finally building a legit discipline in spending time with Him and I'm extremely grateful for the accountability I'm experiencing here in Missouri as well as back in California.

My life, in a nutshell... I think :)

lack-of internet in the wwffp

So I've been living in Missouri for over 2 weeks now and there is an endless list of things that I need to do! I have started crossing those things off (whaddup new bank account and mattress!) but there are a lot that aren't so easy because something is getting in the way... You know what gets in the way of these things? NOT HAVING INTERNET.

Can I just stress how frustrating not having internet is? Granted, it has forced me to get out of the house and explore (aka get lost) trying to find awesome wifi places, but still.

Why don't we have internet, you ask? Well, Google is testing their new service called Google Fiber (google it ;) ) over here in good ole' Kansas City and through we are pre-registered and our neighborhood is for sure getting it, we have to wait until September for pre-registration to close. It's going to be flipping awesome when we finally get it, but I'm ready for it to get here already.

This is proving to me just how dependent on internet I am and it's kind of scary.

And yeah, I know, "first world problems".

who would have thought?

I don't know about you, but I love seeing evidence of God's power. Going to Greece was a huge eye-opener of that. Seeing the amazing ways that God worked to get me there just blew my mind throughout the entire trip, and the fact that I am STILL seeing WHY He did all that blows my mind just as much..

My new favorite game to remind me of God's power is "who would have thought?"

Who would have thought that going to Greece would change my life so drastically?
Who would have thought that this California girl would pick up and move to the Midwest?
Who would have thought that [insert so many crazy things here]?
(I'm being somewhat vague because there are a lot of "who would have thought" moments that I am glad to keep between God and I :) )

God, You are so good. Thanks for overpowering me and turning my plans into Your plans.

from Cali to Missouri in 4 long days

So you know a little bit about me being here at my new home, but I know if you're reading this you must be dying to hear about the glorious road trip I got to take to get here ;)

I may sound like I'm being somewhat sarcastic, but in reality... it was so much fun!

Sunday morning I left bright and early to drive down to Long Beach. After a quick stop in Beverly Hills to get my beloved Sprinkles cupcakes one last time, I got to my Aunt's house in LB around 12:30pm. I got to hang out with my cousin all day, eat a delicious home-cooked meal, and watch the olympics.*

I tried to get a decent amount of sleep before I started the legit drive on Monday morning.

Woke up around 7am, had coffee and conversation with my Aunt then headed to the airport to pick up Steven. After enlightening Steven on all things good (Sprinkles and In N Out) we said goodbye to California! Monday was a pretty short drive, and we got to our campground reservation in Utah early that evening. Oh, and guess what...

...IT WAS RAINING!

I've never set up a tent in my life (I grew up a sheltered child ;)) so trying to help set up something so foreign to me in the rain actually made me feel like I was more in the way than anything.. Thankfully, I had Steven to handle all things manly that week so he deserves all credit for us staying dry once we got inside the tent.

Tuesday morning we woke up to sun and headed out to Colorado! Might I say day 2 was, by far, the prettiest drive of all (dang you Nevada and western Kansas). Driving through Vail was unbelievable, and it made paying $3.95 per gallon for gas almost worth it... Almost. We got to our destination at 6pm and were greeted by our favorite little girls ever and their equally as amazing parents. Staying at the Henderson's was SO much fun! They were on project with us, and Kelly was actually the awesome lady who discipled me throughout the summer. They were so sweet to open up their home to us and made me feel right at home. I must say it didn't hurt that we got to watch the USA women's gymnastics team and Michael Phelps win gold medals either :)

On Wednesday we didn't leave quite as early as we had originally planned because we obviously had to get some trampoline and Wii time in! We headed out around 10:30am and drove straight on through to our final destination of Kansas City, Missouri! It was so incredibly exciting to drive up to my new home with two wonderful friends waiting for us on the porch! What troopers for helping me unload my STUFFED car and chatting with us until about midnight.

I didn't think I could have that much fun in a car for 26 hours, but I really did! And I have been having "project reunions" pretty much ALL week long. I know I probably said this already, but it's just been such a great week with even greater friends!

Okay, I'm done rambling now :)



*If you know me well enough, you know I'm a crazy olympic fan and refuse to not know what's going on. Because my trip took place during the first week of the games, I downloaded 4 different apps on my phone to keep up. Phelps fo lyfe ;)

guess who's in KC!

Oh how God has been pouring out the blessings since I last blogged. The move actually came through, and I am officially living in Kansas City, Missouri with my sweet sweet friend Rachel.

After a long (but really great) 3 days of driving, my unbelievably selfless friend Steven (who flew from Missouri to Long Beach just to help me drive/move, by the way) and I made it to KC around 8:30pm on Wednesday. I am in LOVE with this place!

This move has left me in absolute awe of God's provision. Like, who would have thought I'd end up here? In Missouri. With tornadoes. And even worse... BUGS. Heck, even when I was planning to move out here I still had doubts and wondered if this would actually work out. But here I am! And God hasn't left my side for a second. It's been amazing to see all of the fruit of the work He was doing during those few weeks of struggle leading up to this transition being revealed consistently throughout the entire week. Boy oh boy were the struggles worth it!

I begin my new, but familiar, job at Starbucks on Tuesday and I cannot wait to be completely settled in to this place. God is working hard to help me make this place my home, and I am just so grateful for it all!

Greece Pt. 2-Surrendering to God

Ever since I became a Christian, I knew that I wanted to have an active faith. It didn't necessarily kick in right away, but deep down I knew that I never wanted to be "lukewarm" in my faith. I read the book Crazy Love, by Francis Chan, about a year after I accepted Christ and it motivated me to live the active faith I had always known I wanted to have. Unfortunately, having an active faith isn't easy at all, and sometimes I get so caught up in my daily schedules that I push it to the side.

Even from the plane ride to Chicago, it became apparent to me just how much I had neglected Jesus in the months prior to project and I wasn't okay with that. I wanted to make sure I reconnected with the Lord and started making Him my priority. It slowly was becoming clear just how much I needed to surrender to God every single morning when I woke up, and live by the Spirit in everything I did that summer, and once I got home as well.

This was a discipline I prayed earnestly to have. I wanted to follow God. I wanted Him to strip me of my idols and my desire to do everything on my own. I wanted to trust in Him, and rely solely on Him and His promises.

...Even if it meant that the man I thought I was going to marry, was suddenly not that any more. That God currently has two completely different paths for us, and though it changed nothing about the way we felt for one another, we couldn't stay together because we'd be holding each other back from our real God-given hopes and desires.

...Even if it meant that a week and a half after returning back to America, I would make the decision to pack up and move half-way across the country to follow God. To grow with Him in a less-comfortable environment, with little to no familiarity. To leave the great life I have here, trusting that something equally as great is waiting for me in Missouri.

...Even if it meant that I was going to have to rely on God for absolutely everything in my life. That my "daily bread" would only be provided by Him. That He'd be paving a way for a job in Missouri. That He was going to show up in His timing and not my own financially.

Surrendering to God has been so incredibly difficult and has caused a roller coaster of emotions over the last 8 (or so) weeks. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel during huge changes that don't leave a warm fuzzy feeling right away. But this is the life that God called me to live, and He never promised it would be easy. He did promise to love me and never forsake me, which means that something great will come out of all of this. It may not be what I would have planned/wanted, but God is so much bigger and will give me exactly what I need.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

 -Jeremiah 29:11

crazy decision of the year award goes to...

ME.

As of a few hours ago, I made the decision to move to Kansas City, Missouri.
Yes, you did read that correctly.. Kansas City, Missouri.

Here's how it happened...

While in Greece I decided that I was interested in moving to Missouri one day and going to Mizzou. Why Mizzou? I mean, once I get my associate's this year I'll be free to go anywhere. Honestly, my reasons are good reasons to go to ANY school: 1. I want a real college experience. 2. I want to get involved with a CRU.. The only thing is that I have friends at Mizzou (and a lot more near there). When we were in Greece, we had a message on "calling." God calls us to follow Him, love others, etc. As far as I know, as long as I'm following God and glorifying His kingdom, He doesn't care where I'm going or what I'm doing. With that being said, the better question is why NOT, Mizzou? (My KU friends have answers to that but that's neither here nor there :) )

So I'm contemplating Mizzou, but don't want to pay out-of-state tuition, so I figure I can move there, live for a year, get residency, then go to school. I figured this would happen probably this time next year.

Well, I get home from Greece and notice a friend in Kansas City needs a roommate. In my head I'm thinking how awesome it would be to move there and be that roommate but there's no way in heck that it would work out! NO. WAY.

I bring it up to a few people (as a joke), and all of a sudden they're being super encouraging of the idea and making me feel like less of a crazy person and more like this is an actual opportunity for me.

I mean, what do I have to lose? The worst thing that could happen is I hate it and move back (I've been told that it's impossible to hate Missouri so apparently I'm good).

So I start praying. And talking to more people. And praying some more. Then some more. And then some more.

And doors start opening up. And people are being REALLY supportive.

Like, is this really happening? Am I really about to move halfway across the country?

I'm walking with the Lord, and I don't see Him shutting any doors so maybe I should take this step of faith and trust that it's going to work out.

So yes, this is happening.

I am so scared/overwhelmed to do this, but so excited to start this new journey! I know it's going to be really tough to pull all of this off in such a short amount of time and to start a new life in a new place outside of California, but I have to believe that God is bigger than all of this and that He's going to take care of me.

So if you're reading this and you would like to pray for me, PLEASE DO! I'm going to need all of the prayers I can get.

1. Finances! I have a good amount of money to get in a short amount of time. Please pray that they come in.

2. Job! I'm going to need a job almost immediately after I move. Please pray that I can start searching before I leave, and that God will be paving a way for me to get a job asap.

3. Doubt! It's going to be a hard few weeks before I leave and I don't want to be consumed with any doubt. It's easy to believe that something won't work out when it's this huge and it requires this much faith. Please pray that I'll continue to trust in God and know that if I'm supposed to be there, I'll be there!

4. Life here in Fresno. I have a really great life here in Fresno and I'm going to miss everyone so much. That being said, I'm not leaving, I'm following God.

And anything else you see fit to pray for! I'm so thankful that I have this opportunity and so blessed that God is showing His love through all of the support I'm already receiving in words, prayer, and help!

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

Greece pt. 1-Control

I'm commonly asked what the most important thing that I learned in Greece was. That's an extremely hard question for me to answer because I learned SO STINKIN MUCH! I went into the trip knowing God was going to rock my world and change me, but I had no idea what the extent of that would be.

One very common theme during my trip, though, would have to be control! Ahhh. Almost every single thing that God showed me this summer had some kind of underlying control issue within it.

What I learned about control in Greece:

1. I idolize relationships. I realized this in multiple relationships and multiple ways. In one way, I care too much about how certain people will react to things or I let the things they say get to me. In another way, I get too consumed with the relationships and rely on myself to make them go a certain way.

Either way, I'm putting the relationships above God, and at some points I'm trying to be God myself. That's alarming. I can't control how people react to me. I can't control how people feel about me. I can't control/change peoples' hearts or minds. I CAN'T CONTROL PEOPLE.

2. I want my life to go the way I want it to go. I remember when I was really sick, I felt so incredibly hopeless. I just kept thinking, "There's nothing I can do right now." That was really, really hard for me. I didn't like that I couldn't become healthy on my own. I didn't like that I wasn't able to eat most foods (at some points no food at all). Like I said in a previous post, I had some really great God time during that week of hell, because I was learning that I had to truly trust in Him and give Him control over everything... including my sickness.

3. Life is so much better when I give it over to God. After becoming a Christian I always knew I wanted the passionate, spontaneous, surrendering relationship with God but up until Greece I had taken most of the control back into my own hands (obviously not completely because I definitely didn't get to Greece on my own). While I was in Greece I was quickly reminded how much more satisfying life is when I give it over to the Lord. Lots of things have changed/are changing in my life right now, but by walking with the Lord and surrendering to Him every single day I have no reason to fear... for He is with me.

I am home!

So I got home from Greece and back into Clovis early Saturday morning (1 am) and have been suffering from jet-lag the last 2 nights (which is why I'm awake at 4 am)

I realized that I haven't blogged since the beginning of June and that was when I was still sick. That was a horrible week. Thankfully I received a lot of encouragement from my team and from my God. It was a battle that had already been won by God (common theme of the trip actually) and I just had to get through it. 

The trip was absolutely life-changing. I learned an unreal amount of things about myself, my relationships with people, God, missions, etc. There are so many different things that I really want to blog about in regards to my trip so I've decided that I will split it up. 

Not sure how it's going to be broken up right now. I'm extremely jumbled in my mind and just tried to type about re-entry for an hour and got no where.

Hopefully I can come up with things to say soon 

Being Sick in Greece

*WARNING* This post might come off somewhat like a rant and complaining post, which it kind of is, but hey you wanted to know about Greece!

Okay, so it's Monday night. My team is currently out to dinner while I sit in my room and try not to get sick. My sickness is playing mind tricks with me because it makes me believe I'm better so I eat and... BAM! Can't keep it down.

Let's go back and look at what my almost-week of sickness has been like

Tuesday night I felt super nauseous and like I was going to faint so I went to bed fairly early.

Wednesday morning I wake up feeling the same only add a murderous headache that makes my eyes hurts. I don't like to believe I'm sick so I go to the Steki for development time and, though I'm still feeling kind of iffy, I head for campus around 1pm. We get there and walk around, have a conversation and I am just SILENT (which is not normal). I feel horrible so I decide I'm going to go back to the hostel (and miss coffee time. Grrrrr...) and rest for the day. The way back to the hostel was an adventure in and of itself because I couldn't breath. Ah, yes, the feeling of an elephant on your chest and that your airways are slowly starting to close off on you while you stand in a crowded bus in a foreign country where you are very afraid you might be the only one who knows CPR (which obviously won't come in handy since I can't perform it on myself). But I made it to the hostel! You'd think "fun" time is over, but then, like Hell itself, came the fever of all fevers. I mean, really? I haven't had a fever like this in I don't even know how long. I slept off and on all day until the group came back, took some Tylenol PM and then I was out!

Woke up Thursday feeling like ca-ca and stayed home all day. Slept half the day, struggled with fevers even worse than the day before, and somehow managed to walk down the street in my feverish state and buy a Powerade (wasn't cute but I wasn't about to care). Finally started to feel decent and was so hungry by the time everyone else got back that I went to dinner with them all. That was a mistake because (surprise, surprise) it made me sick

Friday-Saturday I was supposed to go to a camp owned by an organization we periodically help out down here and help them prepare for the coming months of campers and camps being put on. While my team left at 8am, I said good bye from my bed as I was still too sick to move. This was getting ridiculous. When I finally got the strength to move, I walked to my director's room to tell her I had stayed and about 5 minutes into our conversation I quickly made my way to her bathroom to well, as I most commonly hear around here, up-chuck. That was lovely. So up until Saturday afternoon was just a bunch of waiting to be sick, getting sick, wanting to die from my headaches, breakdowns, and trash MTV Greece. (At least my fevers were gone)

But by Saturday night I actually ate food.. And kept it down. It wasn't much, but I had kept it DOWN!

Sunday and today have been back and forth for me. My headaches are subsiding and I'm actually craving food again. But, if I eat anything that isn't easy to digest (which I obviously keep making mistakes) it comes right back up. I

I'm pretty much at the point where I just want to eat whatever because at least I'll enjoy it! That obviously won't happen, but really. We had McDonalds last night, and I was DYING for a Big Mac (Instead I had apples.. And sprite)

So physically I'm not doing my best, but I'm moving around! I even survived the hike to and from the Acropolis this morning! It was absolutely beautiful and I am so happy I went!

Emotionally it's been a hard week too. I mean, I've been sick! In a foreign country. And none of it makes sense. And I don't know when it's finally going to end. And I feel like I'm missing out on so much.

BUT! (And this is really why this post even matters) I have had some awesome time with God. Not just alone time while reading my Bible, but this week has honestly been something I've never had to deal with and it's put me at my lowest here. But learning how to praise God, and worship God through all of this has been really kind of cool. Knowing that I just have to endure through this, has been such a wonderful experience (though seemingly terrible at times).

I don't know! I'm still just all about the whole "God is good!" thing that I keep talking about. :)

Off to movie night where I will not be touching food!