someone extremely intelligent once told me to focus on the positive...

This week has hit an all-time stressful high (like, so stressful I've had my first ever stress acne break out!) so I'm taking a little break to post 15 things that make me oh so happy.

1. Thursday night date nights

2. Experiencing God's love in the people He surrounds me with

3. Reading a good blog

4. Getting a chance to sit and enjoy coffee or tea

5. Staying awake past my "bedtime"

6. Realizing my identity is found in Christ

7. Blasting the Shins' new album in my car

8. Knowing that there is someone on this earth who truly does understand me 

9. My hair being long enough to put in the most disgusting bun possible

10. Singing songs from Singin' in the Rain

11. Worshipping with my high schoolers

12. Being a cheer coach

13. Beauty and the Beast

14. When my kitty is cuddly

15. Thinking about the future

Hope you're having a great week! 

Endings and Beginnings!

My time at Starbucks is approaching it's end. A month from now, on May 12th, I will have my last shift at Starbucks.. And if it goes as planned, I will not be going back.

And I'm scared.

Why the heck am I leaving this awesome job, with awesome people, with awesome steadiness, and awesome benefits? (Are you tired of the word awesome yet?)

Because God is calling me somewhere else.

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I was offered a cheer coaching position (yikes) at Reyburn Intermediate and I took it knowing full well I didn't have the time to do that, intern, work at Starbucks, go to school, and not be a zombie.

But I really, honestly knew that God was calling me there. It's a really great opportunity that can hopefully one day open doors for me, considering I want to be a teacher. Plus, my ministry is serving jr. high and high school students and this is one more way for me to do that!

So with all of that being said, I had to figure out what was most important to me.. My passions/callings in life, or money.

Needless to say, I went with the first option.

I'm taking a huge pay cut, I don't know if I'm going to be able to pay my bills every month, and all that good stuff. But I know I'm going to be happier (not that Starbucks wasn't a happy place. You just obviously enjoy what you're passionate about more) and that fruit will come out of this decision!

I'm making a huge step in faith, and sometimes I get really close to chickening out. But I've made my decision and letting God control my life, not me... Even though sometimes it's really scary and doesn't always make sense at first.

THERE IS HOPE!

How often do we feel alone? Like no one understands us, or even cares to understand? That people are going to leave us? That their love is conditional? That we just blend in and are never thought about?

I know I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way, or will ever feel this way. And it's devastating.

Last night I felt like my world had come crashing down on me. Since then I have felt all of these things. I didn't go to work, I didn't intern today, go to youth group, etc. I haven't gone anywhere today that hasn't allowed me to hide and escape from it all.

I wasn't running from anything. Sometimes things happen that are just so devastating to your heart and mind that being around people and carrying on with your responsibilities will ultimately be more of running away then being alone with your thoughts and trying to process it all.

Today I have spent the better half of the day talking to God, and He has continually been trying to remind me that He made me, loves me, was with me last night, and has been the whole time.

I didn't believe it until about an hour ago, when I started thinking about the character of who God is:
-God created me
-God loves me no matter what cruel things people might say to me.
-His love will never be conditional!
-He died so that I could live, and have a relationship with Him
-I will never be alone because He promised never to forsake me

And the list just goes on and on.

I still haven't processed it completely. My heart and head still hurt. But you know what? THAT'S OKAY! I am a child of God, and He loves me whether I am "acceptable" to the world or not, and He will literally never leave me.

That's all the hope any of us really need

The Craziness of It All

Okay, no joke, my life has never been at a more stressful, or crazy point than it currently is.

Quick little run-down (mostly for my benefit so I can remember everything):

1. GREECE! I realized this hasn't been posted on my blog, even though it's all over Facebook, but I'm going to Greece in May for a 6-week mission trip! I am absolutely stoked beyond words, but boy is it a stressful time. Trying to get out support letters, fill out paperwork, stay on top of everything, do my "homework assignments" for the trip, find flights to and from Chicago, and prepare is hard to do on top of...

2. Work! Still waking up at 3am 4 days a week, and 4:30am 1 day a week. Working mornings is a surreal thing because it takes away your mornings and your nights because you have to go to sleep early and can't work on things late into the night.

3. School! Luckily I'm only in 7 units, but geeze is it a lot. Good news though: If everything goes as planned, I'll have my A.A. in Social Studies May of 2013 and will finally be back at Fresno State the following fall!!!

4. Intern/Church! I'm committed to making it a bigger priority in my life and trying to grow, so while I'm meeting with L.J. on Mondays and devoting Tuesdays completely (minus work in the AM) to doing church work, I'm trying to teach more, and I'm planning another Famine! (yay!)

5. New job! I picked up a second job as a cheer coach and trying to get all of the paperwork done, while trying to find time in my compacted schedule is proving to be very tough work. And the fact that clinics/try-outs are coming up soon is scaaaary!

Oh, and I have a messed up disk in my back so that's always fun to add into the mix ;)

So life's pretty crazy, and I find myself constantly feeling like I'm dropping the ball in one aspect in my life or another. It is coming to an end though, because I'm making HUUUUGE life changes right before I leave for Greece, and will thankfully be given a lot more time/energy. (Can't really go into much detail yet, but eventually I will :) )

So here I sit... Finally a day off to recover from the week that caused about 5 nervous breakdowns, and prepare for the next week in hope that the breakdown number will decrease. I hope this doesn't all come off as complaining or idiotic (okay, maybe it is :) ), because I am completely aware that I have too much on my plate, but after lots of prayer and counsel, I know that this is just something I have to endure through until May when big changes are made because it's going to be oh so worth it.

Though it's been a struggle, I'm constantly praying for God to fill me up and help me through. So if you are reading this and don't mind praying that He fill me up with His strength and courage I could really use it!

A "drop to my knees and worship" kind of song

"Alive Again" by Matt Maher (Searched high and low for a video with no slide show, but that didn't work out)

After it coming on shuffle, today I listened to this song on repeat almost the entire way home from school. By the time I got off the freeway, I was almost irritated that I was driving in a car because all I wanted to do was drop to my knees and worship God!

I usually try to refrain from relating to songs, but really, if I could put what God has been doing to my heart over the last few months (especially recently) into a song, THIS WOULD BE IT! And not just one part, the whole thing.

God, You are SO GOOD!

Past Pain for Others=Future Pain for Me.

Apparently I'm a fan of blogging today.

This one goes out to people who have hurt others/have been hurt in the past

Okay, so the person I was in high school was absolutely AWFUL. I was a jealous girlfriend, selfish, had to be the center of attention, and the list goes on.

The problem with those things isn't that I embarrassed myself (which DID happen), it's that I hurt a lot of people throughout those four years.

After the huge transformation God made in my life, and my heart, I apologized to most of them, but one in particular that I never apologized to sticks out in my mind.

The reason why I bring this up, is because I stumbled across a conversation she had recently with two people including the guy I was dating when I did the awful, jealous-girlfriend, thing I did almost 3 years ago, and they were "slyly" making fun of me... AKA talking about "a certain someone" (me) and referring to some of the stupid things I did.

It kind of hurt. It brought up a lot of pains I felt, and a lot of pains that I still continue to feel because of my selfishness.

So to this person, (and the two she was talking to), even though they will never read this: I'm sorry. I wish I could explain the kind of pain I have felt because of the pain I put you through all those years ago. I know you probably feel like I deserve to be in this pain because of it, but I want you to know that I am not that person anymore. Thankfully, I'm able to be a non-jealous girlfriend now, and I work REALLY hard to be that way. When I was in high school I had some major trust issues and got really jealous for no reason, but I'm human, and we all make mistakes. I really do feel bad about it, but if talking about it almost 3 years later helps you with the pain I put you through, then please, honestly, do it. (no sarcasm, promise). I pray for you all the time, and hope that one day I will feel better, because I hope that you already feel better. I also pray that one day I will get the courage to face you and apologize to you, but for now, yeah, I'm unfortunately still a chicken.

And to anyone else who is reading this, I really encourage you to think about the person you are, and think about how your actions/struggles are affecting others around you. Maybe you have some struggles that are causing pain to people you truly care about (or cared about at one time). I encourage you to really lean on God, and ask Him forgiveness and to help you change your ways.

I wish I would have known all of this while I was in high school. Maybe then there wouldn't have been a conversation for me to accidentally see that brought back the pain I feel from the pain that I inflicted.

Life Changes?

I so wish I blogged more! But, alas, I feel like I don't have enough time to even THINK about my life lately, so it would seem impossible to blog about it...

Which brings me to my slightly-vague blog post of today (and this month :P):

My overwhelming, unhealthy, I-need-changes, life.

What do you do when you KNOW God is calling you to something GREAT, and has been calling you to something just as great for over a year, but can't devote the time necessary because of something else in your life?

I'm really thinking about making some life changes, but these aren't just minor changes.. This would be HUGE! (and Im freaking out, by the way)

It's been an emotional few months, and an extra emotional few days.

There comes a time when you must look at your life, and see how unhealthy you are emotionally and spiritually and fix it.

My great friend/mentor L.J. said to me the other day, "Sometimes it's not about how much you're doing, but WHAT you're doing."

I need to be doing things that are life GIVING, not life SUCKING.

Now, that's easier said than done, but it's safe to say I know one huge thing in my life that just doesn't seem to fit in anymore. And it's controversial, because it's an importance in my life, and, well, helps me "survive."

But I honestly see God calling me other places now, and what am I supposed to do? Have this idol in my life because society says I need it and it's scary to move on from it? Or do I listen to my God, the God who knows me and is supposed to be in control of my life, and follow what He's calling me to?

I'm about 95% sure this is a God thing, but IT'S SCARY to think of it as that! I'm very blessed that God has provided me with some people in my life who are supporting me, and only question it because they want to make sure that I'm going to be okay without this thing in my life.

So if you're reading this, I could absolutely use prayer right now. Specifically in the areas of wisdom, and closeness to God, and that I'll really trust what He's telling me and do whatever it is that He wants, not society.


"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."
-Proverbs 3:5-8