Monday, November 29, 2010

Trying To Move On

This week has been full of realizations that might have taken too long to make. It's been something that everyone has seen, and even if I saw little bits and pieces of it, I was too stubborn to believe them... That, and too optimistic.

Well, tonight I was reading one of my dear friend's blog, and I stumbled across this..

"because It seems like giving up hope in people I care deeply about is accepting failure. But, in retrospect, I suppose I need to do what I need to do to protect myself. Essentially, this is a vital defense mechanism that I have yet to master.

I guess If I should have high hopes for anyone changing, it should be for me."



It really spoke to me. I have SO much hope for people, and believe that they can become the person I need them to be. Newsflash, they can't, and I'm not mad, or bitter about it, I'm just accepting it and moving on. I used to believe that it was just bad timing, and that may very well be true, but I can't keep thinking that because it's tearing me apart. It's not worth the effort, especially since I'm getting no effort in return.

Nice guys (and girls) may finish last at first, but that's only because God's has something better for them. And hey, if I'm completely wrong about this, it'll happen without me having to make 100% of the effort. For now, I'm moving on with my life. Maybe I'm numb, or maybe it's because I, for the first time in my life, have a group of friends (and coworkers) who have my back during this time, but I'm doing fine, and I feel as if it'll only get better :)


And to my friends, I love you guys, and I'm counting on you guys to keep me accountable for this decision!!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm just going to come out and say it: I'm blessed.
Really though, as I sit in my 90% unpacked room and think about my life, I am so thankful for the gifts that God has given me throughout my life, and over this last year...

1. Jesus. I wouldn't be able to do anything without Him. God is the reason why I feel blessed, and He continues to pour out His love to me through His son, and His grace. He gives me the courage to follow His will for me, and teaches me how to love unconditionally.

2. My immediate family. My dad still makes me laugh more than anyone I know, and I know it's hard for him to be so strong with all that he deals with on a regular basis. My mom is my biggest fan, and even though we don't get along, I know I can always count on her.. Even to run to Old Navy an hour before it closes on Thanksgiving :P. My sister is turning into the most beautiful woman. She's really coming into her own and I love her so much. I'm really going to miss her as she continues her second half of high school.

3. My friends. Holy moly. The friends I've made over the last 11 months, and the few I still have from high school continuously show me unconditional love. I love them all, and I know that they will always be by my side. They make me feel "normal" and less awkward :)

4. My distant family. I rarely see them, and today was the first time I saw some of them since Christmas. Some are going through awful times, and some have very different interests than me, but I know we all feel blessed to have each other. We may never see each other, but when I do see them, I feel like they never even left!

5. The roof over my head, the reliable car I drive, heating and air conditioning, etc. These are the little things we often look passed. Since college group on Sunday, I've really looked at all of my material possessions differently, and I'm so thankful to have these things.

6. My job at Starbucks. I am so lucky to have such a reliable job with coworkers and a manager that I enjoy working with. I spend a lot of my time at work, so it's nice to know I'm welcome. The discount doesn't hurt, either. I'd be extremely broke if I didn't have it.

7. My church. The people I've encountered at CCF have been nothing but wonderful. I love going to church on Sundays knowing that, even if I come by myself, I won't feel alone. They've accepted me with open arms, and continue to support me, and give me opportunities I could have never dreamed of.

8. ABC Family. They're playing amazing movies today. Beauty and the Beast gave me the chills, I DVR'd Snow White, and of course I sang every Mary Poppins song as it played.

9. Freedom of religion. Lately, it's been on my heart a LOT. Christians in other parts of the world are being KILLED for their faith, and others have to hide their Bibles. Living in the US gives me the freedom to be a Christian, and although I may be judged and/or tested, I'm lucky that's the extent of it.

The list goes on, and on, but that just about covers the basics.
I hope that everyone had an amazing Thanksgiving, and the holidays are as stressless as they can be!

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus"
-1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

"Epidemic Failure"

I feel like someone just reached down my throat and punched my insides. I know I'm dramatic, but that's the only way I can explain the way I feel right now. I have a huge lump in my throat, which is holding back everything I want to say and cry about.


Nice guys (and girls) seem to always finish last.
What the eff is up with that?


9 weeks can't come any sooner.
Oh wait, that won't be much of an escape anymore, will it?



I repeat, be strong and brave! Don't be afraid and don't panic, for I, the Lord your God, am with you in all you do"
-Joshua 1:9

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Sheet Curtains!

In an effort to make my new room presentable for Thanksgiving, I worked for a few hours yesterday on my room.

Guess what I did..
Made curtains out of a bed sheet!

Because I don't have much wiggle room financially, with Biola tuition and Christmas coming up, my mom told me she saw the idea on TV and I gave it a try. It's really easy to do, and you don't even have to sew! (Unless you'd prefer it :P). And, it ends up looking like real curtains, promise :)

1. Take a sheet (Mine was just a twin size) and fold it length-wise. Think 'hot dog' if you're used to elementary school folding terms :)
2. Cut down the entire fold so you have two identical pieces
3. Take out the hem on the top part of the sheet (The part that folds over)
4. Put up, and pull back with a ribbon (Or whatever. I just used a black ribbon because I didn't want to buy anything)

Voila!

That really is all I had to do. Obviously, you can sew the side that was cut, but for those of us who can't sew to save our lives, it still turns out pretty well without a new hem :)



I'm falling in love with my room! I can't wait to see it when's it's finished :)

Thanksgiving's coming up! I'm excited to see my family, and I'm trying to be thankful on more days than Thursday... Look at what you have, and compare it to people in a 3rd world country. I guarantee you'll feel silly for having so many wants. I know I did!

It's Davis' birthday today! Bon fire at Austin's.. Can't wait for yummy smore's, friends, and rain!!


:)

Sunday, November 21, 2010

You Are My Everything

This is hard to do, because I don't particularly enjoy showing my emotions, and/or being vulnerable, but praise is deserved where praise is due...


Everyday is painful. Everyday I go through situations in my mind. Everyday I question, and there is almost never a time where I'm not thinking about it.

Last night I realized how much worse I would feel without Jesus. He doesn't completely take me off the hook, but He's there, and keeping me realistically optimistic (Oxymoron.. It happens). He keeps me from going over the deep end, and getting so wrapped up in this, that I obsess over it to the point where it's my life.

HE is my life, and He keeps me aware of it. When I am fully able to have both, He will give it to me.
Mark my words.


"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
-C.S. Lewis


"With all creation, I sing
You are the Kings of Kings
You are my everything,
and I will adore You"

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

This Too Shall Pass.

...and I know that. I wish you'd put your faith in God because then you'd know that too. I'm not supposed to be the strong one that keeps everyone from falling apart, and I'm not going to feel sorry for leaving anymore.

I can't, and I won't.

God's Never Late...

..Nor is He early

Sometimes I think we, as Christ followers, often forget that. I know that I am a prime example.

If I don't have complete trust in Christ with my present/future, me going to Biola could seem like a sabotage, of sorts, for certain situations in my life. Because I know that Biola is the next step, I know that other steps in my life that I might selfishly want now, won't begin until God says it's time. It doesn't matter what I want, because this isn't my life.

It's funny, because for a few days I've been thinking about this, but it wasn't until Tuesday night at Jr. High group, that I was able to breathe and not think of Biola as a compromise for other parts of my life... I started to feel bad or like a letdown for leaving, but while preparing for the lesson, I realized that I don't need to feel like a burden because I'm not... God carries that burden for me, and knows when to put situations/people into my life, at EXACTLY the right time. I'll never be able to know the right time for things on my own, so why obsess over them?

I know that at Jr. High group I'm supposed to be a teacher, but I end up learning so much.. The right lesson always comes at the right time.

Definitely not a coincidence :)

Monday, November 15, 2010

A Day of Beauty, Peace, Friends, and God

I'm not sure that I've ever been so excited to share a day I've had, or the feelings I felt. There were two main events from yesterday that I would love nothing more than to blog about..

Yesterday morning, while greeting fellow church goers, I felt the voice of God. Not too long ago, I read a blog about an assignment given to this guy where he had to go sit somewhere quiet for a few hours and just listen to God.. I was intrigued, and kind of confused. How is it possible to get your mind off of the world long enough to just listen to God? What do I need to do to experience that? Such questions like that shouldn't need to be asked, but because I'm such a stressful person, and my mind is always wandering, I can almost never keep my mind off of life for very long. Anyway, I had an area where not many people park at church, and was alone for the majority of the 20 minutes I was out there. All of a sudden, I just felt peaceful and so connected to the Lord. I'm not ashamed to admit that I felt the breeze flowing through the trees was a helpful reminder that He truly was right there with me. I just remember thinking not only how beautiful it was to be having a one-on-one with God before I even went into church to worship and praise him for an hour and fifteen minutes, but how beautiful the world He made truly was. I prayed, and soaked it all in, and left my one-on-one genuinely moved by the holy spirit in that small time I had in between arrivals.

Last night, instead of the usual college group message, we switched it up and had a bonfire at the beautiful house owned by the Randalls. Well, the house's beauty is indescribable (I was literally taken aback at how wonderful it was, and how honored I was to be able to just be a guest in it), which was the perfect scene. It started out as a night of smore's, hot chocolate, tours of the house, and laughter about "ambers," but once we settled down Jordan grabbed his guitar and we started to worship. Let me tell you, there is no better worship, in my opinion, than worship at a bonfire. There was no shame as we sang some of my personal favorite worship songs. I felt so connected to the people around me and it was so wonderful to share this moment with them. After worship, Mark Randall brought down his guitar and we had a little "jam session" consisting of songs from The Cure, The Beatles, Colbie Caillat, and others. I sat in my chair, buried under a blanket, and just looked around in awe at how blessed I am, and thought "I could do this everyday for the rest of my life." I thought about my day, and how peaceful it had been. I thanked the Lord, and continued to listen to my FRIENDS singing and playing guitars.

These people I spend every Sunday evening with aren't just my "church friends," they're more than that. As Ryan Royer said last night, it was a BOND fire, and I look forward to seeing each and every one of them weekly. Sunday's truly are my favorite day of the week

As I finish this blog, I'm wandering back to the three feelings I felt yesterday...


Peaceful. Beautiful. Blessed.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

This Blog Brought To You From...

My new room!

So how's life been?
Pretty fan-flippin-tastic, if I do say so myself.


1. My house!
I've been here since Friday, and although I call my room 'the prison cell,' I really like it. It's nice and cozy, and I can't wait to make it even cozier as I begin to bring more stuff over :) Speaking of that, I still have far too much to bring over. Luckily, we have the doll house for another 12 days, and I have 5 days off this week (yeah, I know, weird, but I think that's God's way of giving me some time to actually move for an entire day). It's an awesome house, complete with a park around the corner from my house WITH SWINGS!! Plus, I like being able to leave for church 5 minutes before it starts and still being on time :P

2. Me time!
It's baaaccckkkk! After work on Wednesday, I went to Panera and read Matthew while eating delicious food. "Me time" keeps me from going insane... SERIOUSLY.

3. Biola!!!
I'm living on a very small budget until I leave, but I know it'll be worth it. I'm known for using exact change whenever I can, but I have gotten rid of that habit in order to save every bit of change I get to put in my "Biola fund" (also known as my kitty bank). I get paid on Friday, and once I get my paycheck, I'm sending off my deposits for housing and tuition! Eeeek! So exciting :)


Remember the blog about letting go? So far so good. I mean, I've taken about 5 steps forward, and 2 steps back, but it's growth and that's what matters :)


So my week is going to be insane: Work, [more] moving, Jr. High group, Beauty and the Beast (maybe?), SLO to see Mae!!, [more and more] moving, unpacking, decorating my room, a wee bit more of working, and then hopefully by Sunday, I can treat it as the Sabbath, keeping it holy by resting :)

--->My only apprehension is money, though. Can I really afford to see Beauty and the Beast and Mae on the week that I'm supposed to send $550 to Biola?? Hmmm... Only a few more days to decide!



Okay, now I'm off to college group to see my studly friends after their not-so-studly dodgeball performance today. Just kidding! They were my favorite to watch... even if Jordan was only wearing little baby shorts. *gags* :P

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

:):):):):):):D:):):):)

I GOT ACCEPTED INTO BIOLA!!!!!

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.
I'm in?!?!!?!

I can't believe it.

My response to everyone has had the word (if it's even a word) "eeeeeekkkkkkkk!!"
...And the number of each letter differs on the person.

I've been accepted for the Spring '11 semester which means I will move down to LA the end of January and begin classes January 31st.


Holy moly, it's happening

Take No More.

"Take it, take it all
Take all that I have
I'd give it all away just to get you back

And fake it, fake it all
Take what I can get

And I can slow it out
Can you hear me yet"



Today, I decided to pull away from something that means an awful lot to me.
I have put too much effort in to something which has not glorified the Lord in the least, and ultimately has been a big waste of time.
Distance is the best thing at this point.

I know this is vague, but these details are better left unsaid.

Thank you God for gracing me with the strength to be content with this decision when I thought that I'd for sure be miserable.

Philippians 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"




*Thank yous also go to Cori and Abby for helping me realize that this is the best option. I love you two, and am so blessed to have your support