"And In That Moment, I Swear We Were Infinite"

Yesterday, I went to Ikea for the first time EVER. My best friend Kasey accompanied me on the trip, and it was so much fun! We got lost so many times on our way to and fro Sacramento, but found great adventures throughout the entire trip.

Ikea is amazing. I was able to buy a lamp, a pillow, a pillow case, a bed frame, and a CD/DVD holder for $109! I didn't realize Ikea could be so cheap, but have such great finds! I can't speak for Kasey, but I know that I definitely felt like I was in the Disneyland of home furnishing stores.

On the way home, we found a beautiful field full of sunflowers after a quick stop at Target. Look how beautiful it was!

I love that random trips can make a day unforgettable.

I am so blessed.

P.S. Kasey leaves for SLO in 11 days. It's coming up quick, and I'm not okay with it.

Thin Skin?

Yesterday, caused me to lose more faith in mankind.

I don't understand how people can be so rude, or needy.

We get random rude people at work daily, but the genuine people usually come in at the perfect times to save the day. Yesterday, this did NOT happen. It was just rude, after rude, after rude. They were in packs, and I was overwhelmed.

I am so blessed that I have Jesus to remind me that there's something bigger than this corrupt world we live in. Going through these trials (as small as this trial may be) will only make me stronger, which is why He puts them in my life. And, I also know that this comes with the job, and I like to think I have thick enough skin to deal with these people, but yesterday was a hard day.

I couldn't even enjoy myself when I was with my friends last night.

I go into work in about an hour and a half, and I'm nervous to deal with these people again.

All I can do is pray, and have faith that God will make this day better than the last.

Just A Fake.

I'm afraid that sometimes I try to be something that I'm not.

I catch myself saying "Oh, I want to do that like [insert name here]" and it makes me sad.

And question.

It's like in The Magician's Nephew:

"...'Of course it can't really have been singing,' he thought, 'I must have imagined it. I've been letting my nerves get out of order. Who ever heard of a lion singing? And the longer and more beautiful the Lion sang, the harder Uncle Andrew tried to make himself believe that he could hear nothing but roaring. Now the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed. Uncle Andrew did. He soon did hear nothing but roaring in Aslan's song. Soon he couldn't have heard anything else even if he had wanted to."

Uncle Andrew was so convinced that the Lion was roaring that, even though Aslan was singing, eventually all Uncle Andrew heard was roaring. I feel like we can be compared to Uncle Andrew when we try to be anything but ourselves. We get so caught up in the acts that we forget what's real and what's not.

In high school, that was me. I'm a new person now, and I don't think I do it anymore, but I get nervous that, because I spent so much time trying to be all of these other people for so long, maybe I am still putting on an act. I'm afraid that I'm like Uncle Andrew and I don't know the difference anymore.

I need to figure out who I'm supposed to be.

All I can do is pray about it and really ask God who I am, because in the end, he's the only person that knows.

I feel like I'm on the right track.

Let's hope I'm right.

Food for Thought

I have this on-going problem with someone who should be near and dear to my heart. There's this, eh, tension between us, and it's a roller coaster of battles and arguments and, ultimately, stress.

It's caused me to be unhappy at home (unless I'm by myself in my room). I hate feeling miserable at home, and I don't feel that it's fair to my family either, but I just can't help but feel that way.

It's this never ending cause and effect type of situation, and I always try to go back to the beginning. Why can't I be home without being in a somber mood? Why do these arguments continue to happen and why do they always start from nothing? I have plenty of theories on how this started and why we have this tension, but what I didn't realize was that the original cause wasn't the answer I should have been seeking...

Last night, on a car ride with a great friend, I was reminded that prayer was the answer I should have been looking for. I can try to theorize all I want, but ultimately, I need to seek God for help. He doesn't want to see me broken, sad or anything else but happy, and if I'm willing to ask, He will help me. Even if I feel like I can't show genuine love to someone at the moment, I can ask God to show His love for the person through me and God will provide.

So that got me thinking, and praying, and I can honestly say I already feel better! I can't believe it took me so long to realize that all I needed was to pray about it. I prayed for the ability to show compassion and love to my mom, and, even if I don't feel like I can at the moment, I prayed that he will show His love for her through me. I'm relying on him to mend this relationship. This process is not going to be solved soon, and that's okay, but as long as I feel that I'm being fair when things are going well between us, then I can rest easily.

So think about this...

God tells us to pray for our enemies, and although 'enemy' is extreme for my situation, it suits our everyday lives. We have enemies, and God wants us to pray for them because He knows how big of a deal it is for us to rise above and actually wish great things for our enemies. Because God sees the effort put in by us, it causes us to be closer to the person God wants us to be, and He will reward us greatly.

Next time you are around people you don't particularly get along with (which happens more often than we like to admit), I urge you to pray about the person, and ask God to show His love for that person through you, and you'd be surprised at how easy it is for you to converse and surround yourself with people who you would consider to be your enemies.

*Special thanks to Kristen Katchadourian for helping me see all of this, and helping jump start the healing process between my mom and I.

Just! Do! It! Already!

Yesterday, I made a list of things I want/need to do in order to get my career going. I thought I'd make it public..

(There are still some tweaks that need to be made considering I'm not 100% sure about it all. I still need to talk to an advisor about my major(s))

1. Change major -> Double in Theatre and English

2. Study EVERY area of theatre

3. Get involved with community and school theatre

4. Write for small columns or editorials

5. Study abroad! -> In an extremely cultured area of Ireland, preferably.

6. Build up resume for both writing and theatre

7. Internships in NYC

8. Graduate with a degree in Theatre, and in English

9. Get masters in Theatre Production or Journalism (have to figure out which one will be more beneficial)

10. Be happy :)

Hopefully that will all help me make a living as an Artistic Director and a part-time writer :)

Any advice? PLEASE let me know. I'd really love to hear it.

Mexico!

So I'm back in Fresno, at least for awhile, and I have today and tomorrow off.

Finally, the resting, blogging, and unpacking begins!

...Or so I hope.

And now, the blog I've been extremely excited to post about... MEXICO!!!

Here goes nothing..

I went into the week of Mexico expecting to grow closer to the Lord, help a church, and hoping to remember most of my high school Spanish. I was nervous, and besides for those few things, I had no idea what to expect. My friends who had gone before told me stories about past experiences, but nothing really prepared me for what was to come. I was extremely eager to get the week started, and now I can say that feeling is an understatement of what I should have felt..

The minute we crossed the border into Mexico, I had one of those "we're not in Kansas anymore" moments. The lifestyle there is so much different than our American way, and that was obvious from the get go; graffiti absolutely everywhere, dogs, and trash. Coming from America where we have so much, whether we like to believe it or not, the houses just didn't look livable.

Because we didn't get into camp until after dark, Sunday morning was the first time I actually saw the campsite. It was beautiful! Yes, we were in tents, and there were no showers (this was actually the first year with running toilets), but I almost felt spoiled at that campsite. We were in the hills (which is probably about as high past sea level as we are here in Fresno), and you could see the fog on it's way out. Such a wonderful thing to see.

We did a lot of fun things during the week, including La Bufadora, almost-daily trips to the taco stand, and Calimax every morning to get unbelievably delicious tortillas and avocados. But ultimately, we weren't there for vacation. I mean, at times it felt like a vacation just because of how much fun the people, kids, and worship songs were, but we were there for God. We were there to spread his love to the children from our church in Mexico, and, you know, I think we made Him proud.

There were a ton of things that I learned/experienced on this trip, but because I don't want to bore you with the longest blog post known to mankind, I'm just going to focus on the ones that impacted me the most..

First, the lack of technology. I thought, for sure, that I was going to go crazy without the use of the internet, my computer, or my phone. I amazed myself by the fact that I didn't even WANT to use any of those things. I could have used my phone, but I didn't. It stayed on airplane mode all week (except on Father's Day when I called my dad, and on the last day when I called my mom to let her know I was still alive. Ha). It was almost liberating to know that if I had no technology, I'd be okay. I was surrounded by people and so focused on the mission that Chandler (my phone) wasn't even a thought in my mind.

I also still think about the kids, and Lupita and Enrique (the pastors) ALL the time. They were all so wonderful and I could truly see Jesus in the ways they acted. They honestly don't have many materialistic things, but that doesn't stop them. The kids would just light up when we came around. I had a really hard time with the language barrier, but they still found ways to open up to me and make me feel like they truly cared for all of us. Lupita and Enrique were so grateful for us being there, but I think by the end, we were all grateful for them. It was so incredibly hard to leave them on Thursday. We grew so attached, and learned so so so so much from them that it just felt impossible to leave them.

What I feel was most important from the trip, is my growth with God. I'm honestly choking up as I write this because the trip did so many things for my relationship with Him! There was only one moment in the entire week where I didn't feel him, and that was because of my own problem I was having where I was focusing on something I shouldn't have been. He was just so present during the week. I mean, we went to Mexico without an interpreter, prayed for one, and within an hour we were given the most amazing interpreter, and friend, David. That's just so amazing!

We had chapel twice a day, with long, but very moving messages, and we just always made sure to keep our focus on God. One morning we got to go anywhere on the property that we wanted and we were given a scripture to read. I took advantage of the 'anywhere' and found a giant rock with a beautiful view. I wish I could find my notebook right now because I'd love to share what I read about, but I just can't.

A few of the night chapels were so moving they brought me to tears. We had a candlelight service, and on the last night we nailed our burdens to the cross. I think that was the final step in me letting go of my past, and I will never forget that night. Harley and I did ours together, and after hearing her talk about how similar we felt about our past, I couldn't have been luckier than to partner up with her. We had trouble getting ours in there, so it caused a little laughter, but it was a very serious, and like I continue to say, moving moment.

All in all, I was extremely blessed to have been able to go on that missions trip. I plan on going to many more, and even hope to go to some other mission trips to other parts of the world. I was surrounded by the greatest group of people, all of whom were already my friends, or became my friends.

I think that we were all at our most vulnerable state that week, and the fact that it didn't hurt any friendships, in fact it made them stronger, is saying something about our small group of 16.

I'm so happy I got to be a part of their learning experience.

The last night we all talked about the trip, and just said any thoughts that came to our mind. I won't get into detail, but one person said that they get on the 'Mexico Jesus high' and come back home, something happens, and they lose that excitement. They wanted all of us to hold them accountable when we got back, but I think that could be said about us all. We all need to hold each other accountable, because if we stay on that Mexico Jesus high, shoot, we can do anything. It's just the best feeling, and I don't want to lose it.

So that's my trip. It was so liberating and I can't wait until next year. I pray for those kids as often as possible, and it's my goal to keep them on the right track.

And now for the fun part.. pictures! :)