Better Fit?

I'm sure this comes as no surprise, but I've been doing a lot of thinking, lately.. About school.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I just don't fit in at a normal college. I don't do anything that a normal college student does. In fact, I never have. When I think about transferring to schools that I used to think about transferring to (UCLA), I get really nervous because I just can't see myself enjoying it.

So this made me think, okay, well I'll just go to a private Christian college.

That would be AMAZING. I would love to focus on biblical studies. Maybe not major in it, but minor, if I can, or at least take the classes the school requires. At this point, I want my education to correspond with my religious beliefs.

I start thinking about schools... Fresno Pacific was my first choice because, well, it's in Fresno, and it would be the easy route. A few problems though, including the fact that it's the EASY choice, and it just doesn't seem to fit with me.

Where else? APU, Point Loma, Cal Baptist, Biola...

Biola.

Might as well be called "Perfect for Tayler University"

Seriously, though.

1. The doctrine better fits me.

2. They take transfers with ANY amount of units. (I have 23)

3. Bib studies is a required minor

4. Chapel 3 times a week (minimum)

5. Conservative

6. Great financial aid

7. Contract requiring NO use of alcohol or drugs.

8. Great missionary programs.

9. Heck, great programs in general!

10. Evangelism is important

11. All of the classes use Christianity and/or Christian authors for text.

The list goes on..

I mean, I get excited just thinking about it! Obviously, I'm going to pray, and make sure it's a step in the right direction, but I'm thinking that after I go talk to a Fresno State advisor I'll do the "early action" application deadline for Fall '11. I'll find out in January if they've accepted me, and I'll go from there! I'll probably have to take the Spring '11 semester off, but I'll do summer school to catch up.

I know I make a lot of "plans" and don't follow through, but I'm 100% serious about this.

I really have a good feeling about this one.

"I Will Give You Rest"

I'm stuck at a standstill.

I don't know where to go from here.

Life is good, right? Not so sure.

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I do, however, know that God is faithful.

He'll take me in the right direction if I let him.

Matthew 11:28

Stumbled Upon..

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever"

-Winnie the Pooh

Disney is phenomenal.

God Knows What He's Doing.

Man, it's been awhile since I've blogged.

I've been quiet, and weird lately.

Things have been happening that I've had trouble comprehending. Well, at least it's been a very slow process. Let me catch you up on the heart of my weirdness...

I am enrolled at Fresno State, and school is my forte. Seriously. I actually enjoy school, and all summer I've said "Can school just start already!!" because I just can't wait! It doesn't hurt that I can't wait to start studying theatre and english.

Finally, school starts on Monday! I'm not too excited now. In fact, thinking about it causes a lump in my throat.

Oh, I forgot to mention that the lump is because I'm not going.

I can't afford school unless I'm offered financial aid, or at the very least, the option of a loan.

See, a little over a year ago my dad lost his construction company due to this wonderful (sarcasm) economy. I have constant problems with FAFSA because, for some reason unknown to me, the financial aid people see no problem with my family's income. In one small year, we lost a company, a house, two cars, all insurance, financial security, our yearly vacations to Cayucos, and a lot of domestic happiness. I obviously can't afford school if we barely make it by the skin of our teeth.

At the very least, I'm usually offered a loan, then in September, I go back in, show my dad's unemployment stub, and they offer me financial aid (even though I already paid for tuition with a loan).

Tuition was due on July 31st, and I didn't hear from financial aid in time. I knew it was coming but when I received a letter and an email confirming my disenrollment just a few days later, I felt sick.

That night, at a small growth group for church, I learned that I had the spiritual gift of faith. It may have been a silly questionnaire that put it out there, but having school, the one thing I've always relied on, taken right from under me, confirmed it.

But why do I have so much faith in my God?

I prayed, and thought a lot about it, and saw that this semester is going to be a huge time of growth. I said it right from the beginning, that I don't know what is going to happen, but all I know is that something huge, EPIC even, will happen to me and God doesn't want me to be so invested in school that I miss it.

God knows what He's doing.

What am I going to be up to for the next four months?

1. Read, and learn more about God, which will in turn cause me to learn about myself.

2. Work, work, work, and save up to go back to school. Financial aid isn't reliable, so it'd be nice to help.

3. Decide if State is really worth it at the moment. (Possible transfer to Willow/City in the near future!)

4. Help out with youth group. This has been on my heart for a little over a month now, and, after talking to Stephen (youth pastor) and my managers, it's been worked out so I can start helping! I'm going to be brought outside of my comfort level, and it's exactly what I want. I'm so incredibly excited!

I've already learned that school shouldn't be the most important thing to me. It's NOT a constant. The only constant in my life is God, and He will never be a variable (Math nerd :P). Maybe I just like school because that's where I'm comfortable? I'm learning that I learn and grow the most when I'm outside of my element.

Funny how that happens, huh? It's a God thing. He knows what He's doing.

"And In That Moment, I Swear We Were Infinite"

Yesterday, I went to Ikea for the first time EVER. My best friend Kasey accompanied me on the trip, and it was so much fun! We got lost so many times on our way to and fro Sacramento, but found great adventures throughout the entire trip.

Ikea is amazing. I was able to buy a lamp, a pillow, a pillow case, a bed frame, and a CD/DVD holder for $109! I didn't realize Ikea could be so cheap, but have such great finds! I can't speak for Kasey, but I know that I definitely felt like I was in the Disneyland of home furnishing stores.

On the way home, we found a beautiful field full of sunflowers after a quick stop at Target. Look how beautiful it was!

I love that random trips can make a day unforgettable.

I am so blessed.

P.S. Kasey leaves for SLO in 11 days. It's coming up quick, and I'm not okay with it.

Thin Skin?

Yesterday, caused me to lose more faith in mankind.

I don't understand how people can be so rude, or needy.

We get random rude people at work daily, but the genuine people usually come in at the perfect times to save the day. Yesterday, this did NOT happen. It was just rude, after rude, after rude. They were in packs, and I was overwhelmed.

I am so blessed that I have Jesus to remind me that there's something bigger than this corrupt world we live in. Going through these trials (as small as this trial may be) will only make me stronger, which is why He puts them in my life. And, I also know that this comes with the job, and I like to think I have thick enough skin to deal with these people, but yesterday was a hard day.

I couldn't even enjoy myself when I was with my friends last night.

I go into work in about an hour and a half, and I'm nervous to deal with these people again.

All I can do is pray, and have faith that God will make this day better than the last.

Just A Fake.

I'm afraid that sometimes I try to be something that I'm not.

I catch myself saying "Oh, I want to do that like [insert name here]" and it makes me sad.

And question.

It's like in The Magician's Nephew:

"...'Of course it can't really have been singing,' he thought, 'I must have imagined it. I've been letting my nerves get out of order. Who ever heard of a lion singing? And the longer and more beautiful the Lion sang, the harder Uncle Andrew tried to make himself believe that he could hear nothing but roaring. Now the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed. Uncle Andrew did. He soon did hear nothing but roaring in Aslan's song. Soon he couldn't have heard anything else even if he had wanted to."

Uncle Andrew was so convinced that the Lion was roaring that, even though Aslan was singing, eventually all Uncle Andrew heard was roaring. I feel like we can be compared to Uncle Andrew when we try to be anything but ourselves. We get so caught up in the acts that we forget what's real and what's not.

In high school, that was me. I'm a new person now, and I don't think I do it anymore, but I get nervous that, because I spent so much time trying to be all of these other people for so long, maybe I am still putting on an act. I'm afraid that I'm like Uncle Andrew and I don't know the difference anymore.

I need to figure out who I'm supposed to be.

All I can do is pray about it and really ask God who I am, because in the end, he's the only person that knows.

I feel like I'm on the right track.

Let's hope I'm right.