July 30, 2012

On July 30, 2012 I left the state of California.  I had no idea what to expect, and I had [have] no idea how long I'd be gone.

But I did it. I moved... to Missouri.

And here I am, a year later, sitting in the room I've called home for the last year, doing everything humanly possible to put off packing (because packing is awful).

Because in a week I move again.. But this time, to a new home a bit deeper into Missouri.

The place I moved here to move to.

Before I type anything else, can I just praise how good our God is?  This faithful, loving God, who I neglected more often than I care to admit this past year.  This God who has already given me the most incredible life, and is continuing me on my journey to the next chapter of this life a week from today?

I've been really sentimental lately since I'm in the midst of a ton of "one-year anniversaries".  So I looked at my journal from right around the time that I was packing to move here last year and it was filled with anxieties about not having enough time to get everything done, but it was also filled with some sweet, sweet moments with the Lord.  And it was convicting, because though I still have "quiet times", those sweet moments seem to be few and far between.

I realized that this year I've lost a lot of my dependence on God.  If I'm being honest, this has been one of the most difficult years of my life.  I have seen some wonderful fruit come out of this move, but being so far away from home for the first time, and everything else that happened this year has left me feeling lonely, REALLY lonely.

So I did what most humans like me do, I shut down.  I hid myself.  And I ended up hiding myself from the One who I needed most.

I truly believe that moving here was an act that was well-thought out, and that there was nothing inside of me screaming DON'T DO THIS!  But ever since I've arrived, it seems to be blow after blow, and I constantly find myself wondering when it's going to end? Or, when can I move to Columbia? Or, what would be different if I had stayed in California? These thoughts have consumed my brain and it's not fair.  Because that's not depending on the Lord.  That's not even THINKING about the Lord.

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:11-13

These verses were sent to me the other night.  At first I thought it was an odd timing to send me something like that, but the more I thought about that passage and the more I wrestled with the passage, the more I felt stirring in my heart.

This past year has not been for nothing.  I've met some incredible people, lived in an unreal and awesome city, and have grown up in ways I can hardly fathom, but as I pack up my life in Kansas City, and move on to this new chapter filled with new friends, a new [35,000 student] school, and a new Starbucks (holla!), I'm looking to gain my dependence not on all of these things, or the sudden exciting-but-also-really-scary feeling of not being in a long-distance relationship anymore, but remembering to be content in the Lord.  Remembering that He wants to be a part of all of this, and is eagerly pursuing me every second of every day.

Gratitude.

Happy Weekend!! And yes, yes it IS a happy weekend because I have it off.  This means jammers all day, and partying (err sleeping) all night!  I mean, don't be too incredibly jealous because I have an un-Godly amount of homework to do over the next few weeks, but I'm in the home stretch and tomorrow I get to see a dear project friend!!

When I went to start journaling this morning I just kept thinking about things I'm grateful for.  There's a blog I follow who does a similar thing every week so I must have had it on the brain.  I finally decided to start writing them down, and then decided I would share them on here as well...

So here's to gratitude!

For slow Saturday mornings who's only requirements are coffee and Jesus.

For a man who pursues me, and loves me the way my heart loves.

For random kitties who make my heart want to burst with love

For a week of thunderstorms that get this California girl's heart pumping.

For a roommate who shares her computer charger with me every time mine bites the dust.

For dreaming big and knowing Who's in control.

For a God who knows what He's doing, and is never shaken by my doubt.

What are you grateful for?

Sidenote: When did it become April 20th? It's almost MAY! I have been looking forward to the month of May for I don't even know how long.  My best friend in the entire world is getting married to her best friend, my sister graduates high school, my first full-time-student-while-working-full-time semester ends, my sweet boyfriend's birthday, parent's anniversary, I get to go to California TWICE, two of my roommates head to Greece, the list goes on... Cannot WAIT! Let's just hope the weather gets warm and stays that way this time ;)

Intentional

So far so good on this Bible plan I'm on! I know it's only been 10 days but I still get so excited when I get down in the Word. I'm already seeing fruit in my quiet time. Yay!

But lately I've really been struggling with how I can make this semester productive. I kind of spent last semester "settling in" and dealing with all of the changes that have been going on. I didn't really invest in much other than work. The majority of my relationships have been kept surface level, even the ones back in California that have been deeper before.

I decided that this semester is going to be spent loving others, and really diving in to deeper relationships with those around me, and those back in Clovis. God has given me this awesome journey to take part in but in no way does He want me to keep it all to myself. I want to share it with this community of believers, and the nonbelievers I've come into friendships with, and let them be a part of my journey as well.

So my new word is INTENTIONAL. This semester I am back to my one job, and more excitingly I'm back in school! I am entering a new season in my Kansas City journey, and I am praying earnestly to intentionally build relationships, experience my city, progress in my education, and find joy in my God! 

A love letter to the year 2012

Dear 2012,

Are you kidding me? Thanks for rocking my socks off and being the best year to date! I had some of the highest highs and some of the lowest lows, but believe me when I say it was the scariest and most fulfilling year so far.

With you came so many checks off of my bucket list, so many tears of pain and of joy, so many epiphanies, heartaches, dances, and new adventures.

My favorite part of you had to be when I went overseas for the first time, and I'm sure that comes as no surprise. Those 6 weeks were spent doing so many things that I never thought I would do or could do, and what better way to see a beautiful country of Europe than by being there to further God's kingdom and make life-long friendships with some of the most beautiful people I've ever met? It brought so many life-altering decisions and changes, and I learned a lot I liked about myself and a whole lot I didn't like about myself.

2012, you were so good to me and all year I just kept thinking NONE of this would have happened if it wasn't for my lover of a God. The God who wants to lavish me and give me the deepest desires and adventures in my heart. Thank you, 2012, for letting God use you to mold me into the daughter I'm meant to be. I am so sad that you are gone, but I know that this is just the beginning.

You'll be dearly missed, but I'll always hold our memories close. You brought growth and that's all I can ask for.

Love,
Tayler

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I'm not really one to make New Year's Resolutions because I can't keep them for the life of me, but this year I've decided to do a 49 week walk through the Bible. In my 3 years as a believer I have never read the entire thing through, and I've decided that now more than ever it's my desire to know more about my God.