Monday, February 27, 2012
A "drop to my knees and worship" kind of song
"Alive Again" by Matt Maher (Searched high and low for a video with no slide show, but that didn't work out)
After it coming on shuffle, today I listened to this song on repeat almost the entire way home from school. By the time I got off the freeway, I was almost irritated that I was driving in a car because all I wanted to do was drop to my knees and worship God!
I usually try to refrain from relating to songs, but really, if I could put what God has been doing to my heart over the last few months (especially recently) into a song, THIS WOULD BE IT! And not just one part, the whole thing.
God, You are SO GOOD!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Past Pain for Others=Future Pain for Me.
Apparently I'm a fan of blogging today.
This one goes out to people who have hurt others/have been hurt in the past
Okay, so the person I was in high school was absolutely AWFUL. I was a jealous girlfriend, selfish, had to be the center of attention, and the list goes on.
The problem with those things isn't that I embarrassed myself (which DID happen), it's that I hurt a lot of people throughout those four years.
After the huge transformation God made in my life, and my heart, I apologized to most of them, but one in particular that I never apologized to sticks out in my mind.
The reason why I bring this up, is because I stumbled across a conversation she had recently with two people including the guy I was dating when I did the awful, jealous-girlfriend, thing I did almost 3 years ago, and they were "slyly" making fun of me... AKA talking about "a certain someone" (me) and referring to some of the stupid things I did.
It kind of hurt. It brought up a lot of pains I felt, and a lot of pains that I still continue to feel because of my selfishness.
So to this person, (and the two she was talking to), even though they will never read this: I'm sorry. I wish I could explain the kind of pain I have felt because of the pain I put you through all those years ago. I know you probably feel like I deserve to be in this pain because of it, but I want you to know that I am not that person anymore. Thankfully, I'm able to be a non-jealous girlfriend now, and I work REALLY hard to be that way. When I was in high school I had some major trust issues and got really jealous for no reason, but I'm human, and we all make mistakes. I really do feel bad about it, but if talking about it almost 3 years later helps you with the pain I put you through, then please, honestly, do it. (no sarcasm, promise). I pray for you all the time, and hope that one day I will feel better, because I hope that you already feel better. I also pray that one day I will get the courage to face you and apologize to you, but for now, yeah, I'm unfortunately still a chicken.
And to anyone else who is reading this, I really encourage you to think about the person you are, and think about how your actions/struggles are affecting others around you. Maybe you have some struggles that are causing pain to people you truly care about (or cared about at one time). I encourage you to really lean on God, and ask Him forgiveness and to help you change your ways.
I wish I would have known all of this while I was in high school. Maybe then there wouldn't have been a conversation for me to accidentally see that brought back the pain I feel from the pain that I inflicted.
This one goes out to people who have hurt others/have been hurt in the past
Okay, so the person I was in high school was absolutely AWFUL. I was a jealous girlfriend, selfish, had to be the center of attention, and the list goes on.
The problem with those things isn't that I embarrassed myself (which DID happen), it's that I hurt a lot of people throughout those four years.
After the huge transformation God made in my life, and my heart, I apologized to most of them, but one in particular that I never apologized to sticks out in my mind.
The reason why I bring this up, is because I stumbled across a conversation she had recently with two people including the guy I was dating when I did the awful, jealous-girlfriend, thing I did almost 3 years ago, and they were "slyly" making fun of me... AKA talking about "a certain someone" (me) and referring to some of the stupid things I did.
It kind of hurt. It brought up a lot of pains I felt, and a lot of pains that I still continue to feel because of my selfishness.
So to this person, (and the two she was talking to), even though they will never read this: I'm sorry. I wish I could explain the kind of pain I have felt because of the pain I put you through all those years ago. I know you probably feel like I deserve to be in this pain because of it, but I want you to know that I am not that person anymore. Thankfully, I'm able to be a non-jealous girlfriend now, and I work REALLY hard to be that way. When I was in high school I had some major trust issues and got really jealous for no reason, but I'm human, and we all make mistakes. I really do feel bad about it, but if talking about it almost 3 years later helps you with the pain I put you through, then please, honestly, do it. (no sarcasm, promise). I pray for you all the time, and hope that one day I will feel better, because I hope that you already feel better. I also pray that one day I will get the courage to face you and apologize to you, but for now, yeah, I'm unfortunately still a chicken.
And to anyone else who is reading this, I really encourage you to think about the person you are, and think about how your actions/struggles are affecting others around you. Maybe you have some struggles that are causing pain to people you truly care about (or cared about at one time). I encourage you to really lean on God, and ask Him forgiveness and to help you change your ways.
I wish I would have known all of this while I was in high school. Maybe then there wouldn't have been a conversation for me to accidentally see that brought back the pain I feel from the pain that I inflicted.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Life Changes?
I so wish I blogged more! But, alas, I feel like I don't have enough time to even THINK about my life lately, so it would seem impossible to blog about it...
Which brings me to my slightly-vague blog post of today (and this month :P):
My overwhelming, unhealthy, I-need-changes, life.
What do you do when you KNOW God is calling you to something GREAT, and has been calling you to something just as great for over a year, but can't devote the time necessary because of something else in your life?
I'm really thinking about making some life changes, but these aren't just minor changes.. This would be HUGE! (and Im freaking out, by the way)
It's been an emotional few months, and an extra emotional few days.
There comes a time when you must look at your life, and see how unhealthy you are emotionally and spiritually and fix it.
My great friend/mentor L.J. said to me the other day, "Sometimes it's not about how much you're doing, but WHAT you're doing."
I need to be doing things that are life GIVING, not life SUCKING.
Now, that's easier said than done, but it's safe to say I know one huge thing in my life that just doesn't seem to fit in anymore. And it's controversial, because it's an importance in my life, and, well, helps me "survive."
But I honestly see God calling me other places now, and what am I supposed to do? Have this idol in my life because society says I need it and it's scary to move on from it? Or do I listen to my God, the God who knows me and is supposed to be in control of my life, and follow what He's calling me to?
I'm about 95% sure this is a God thing, but IT'S SCARY to think of it as that! I'm very blessed that God has provided me with some people in my life who are supporting me, and only question it because they want to make sure that I'm going to be okay without this thing in my life.
So if you're reading this, I could absolutely use prayer right now. Specifically in the areas of wisdom, and closeness to God, and that I'll really trust what He's telling me and do whatever it is that He wants, not society.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."
-Proverbs 3:5-8
Which brings me to my slightly-vague blog post of today (and this month :P):
My overwhelming, unhealthy, I-need-changes, life.
What do you do when you KNOW God is calling you to something GREAT, and has been calling you to something just as great for over a year, but can't devote the time necessary because of something else in your life?
I'm really thinking about making some life changes, but these aren't just minor changes.. This would be HUGE! (and Im freaking out, by the way)
It's been an emotional few months, and an extra emotional few days.
There comes a time when you must look at your life, and see how unhealthy you are emotionally and spiritually and fix it.
My great friend/mentor L.J. said to me the other day, "Sometimes it's not about how much you're doing, but WHAT you're doing."
I need to be doing things that are life GIVING, not life SUCKING.
Now, that's easier said than done, but it's safe to say I know one huge thing in my life that just doesn't seem to fit in anymore. And it's controversial, because it's an importance in my life, and, well, helps me "survive."
But I honestly see God calling me other places now, and what am I supposed to do? Have this idol in my life because society says I need it and it's scary to move on from it? Or do I listen to my God, the God who knows me and is supposed to be in control of my life, and follow what He's calling me to?
I'm about 95% sure this is a God thing, but IT'S SCARY to think of it as that! I'm very blessed that God has provided me with some people in my life who are supporting me, and only question it because they want to make sure that I'm going to be okay without this thing in my life.
So if you're reading this, I could absolutely use prayer right now. Specifically in the areas of wisdom, and closeness to God, and that I'll really trust what He's telling me and do whatever it is that He wants, not society.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."
-Proverbs 3:5-8
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