For Now, I'm Just Trying to Stay Afloat.

Today, I need an outlet.  And today instead of paper and pen my outlet is this blog that I haven't looked at in a year and a half.

I need to preface [mostly for myself] that I live an incredible life that yes is full of twists and turns, but is also filled with so much good that I still neglect to remember in the midst of the twists and turns.  I get to wake up every day to a loving husband who sternly and lovingly tells me no every time I tell him I want to quit school because he knows I'm lying to myself, and knows that no matter how many times I say "I'm not made for school" that those are also lies that will never be true no matter how much I believe it at a given moment.  I have friends who send me gifts to remind me that I'm missed and loved, friends that not only embrace the novel-length text messages I send when they ask me how I'm doing, but respond with the same novel-length texts reminding me that all of this is temporary and there is a greater good in it all.  Friends that love me without condition and encourage me no matter how many times I cry and complain and play the same whiny record that has been my heart and mind lately.  I have an incredible support system in my parents and my sister.  Parents who make me feel like nothing is impossible, and a sister that I know I can share all of my dirty laundry with and she'll still look at me like I've still got my life together and somehow still want my advice on life. I go to an incredible university and am truly a part of two great programs that stretch me and force me to push myself to lengths that I never realized were so difficult for me to get to but that I DO get to.

I also am a daughter to an incredibly loving and faithful God, without whom I cannot get through.

And here's where my online journaling begins today...

Ten minutes ago I sat in the student center at school (thankfully *mostly* out of sight) CRYING, like tears streaming uncontrollably down my face.  I've already told a professor that I will in no way be prepared for a test today, begging him to let me take it on Monday, and I have a paper that is essentially an empty page at this point due in less than an hour, and I'm sitting here CRYING, having not even taken out my books to research and study.

Thankfully the tears have subsided but I just started thinking... I'm literally holding on with all of my might just to survive right now.  There has been so much going on this year that I have continuously felt like I'm sprinting behind trying to catch up and the moment I do catch up, I fall back to where I was and have to start sprinting before I can even catch my breath.  It wasn't until yesterday that I actually started processing that we're already finishing the fifth week of the semester and it makes sense that I now have multiple papers and multiple tests scheduled this week and next.

I turned on my normal "worship-y" Pandora station a bit ago and my first three songs were in this order:
1. Phil Wickham- Heaven Song [cue tears]
2. Jesus Culture- He is Faithful [not usually a fan of Jesus Culture, but I love this song and once again, cue giant tears]
3. Hillsong- Oceans

Heaven Song came on and I thought, "Man, P. Wickham is right.  I really cannot wait to run on greener pastures and be with Jesus in heaven where life just won't be hard anymore."  Then He is Faithful came on and I struggled to let "He has paid the biggest price" sink in because really, fathoming the Gospel is something really difficult to do lately.  Then Oceans came on and I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'd love to be taken deeper than my feet could ever wander, but I'm just struggling to stay afloat and really am just hoping for some help in the doggy-paddle department right now so I'm not really wanting to think much about this song right now"

And that's when I thought; Jesus has me in this place.  Jesus is WITH me in this place. Jesus felt like this and DIED for this! Isn't that unbelievable?! It's probably not a coincidence that this is the first week of Lent. A time where we remember what we are as humans, and reflect on the goodness of our God, who humbled Himself and came to die on the cross and beat death so that we don't have to be enslaved by it. For us to meet him in places like I've been in for far too long and learn to trust that He's carrying us through.

Learning to trust is hard.  I've been sucked dry of all motivation and energy the last few months, and I've gotten to the point where I go home and either want to sleep or binge-watch Netflix in order to check out and not deal with things. My heart is hardened to good, and I've been believing some really awful lies about myself for so long that I've almost forgotten HOW to combat those lies.  So today my goal is to pray every. single. time. that I think I can't do this.  It's already a struggle, but it's my only hope--Turning to the One who truly loves me enough to die for me to be freed from this very place I'm in right now. 

Bless the Lord, oh my soul.



I know this is sporadic, but if you are reading this it's because this was mostly just supposed to be written for an audience of me. But if you're reading this, I'm not mad! Thanks for meeting me in this place and hey if you're in this place you're not alone. I hope you feel encouraged and loved no matter where you are right now.

July 30, 2012

On July 30, 2012 I left the state of California.  I had no idea what to expect, and I had [have] no idea how long I'd be gone.

But I did it. I moved... to Missouri.

And here I am, a year later, sitting in the room I've called home for the last year, doing everything humanly possible to put off packing (because packing is awful).

Because in a week I move again.. But this time, to a new home a bit deeper into Missouri.

The place I moved here to move to.

Before I type anything else, can I just praise how good our God is?  This faithful, loving God, who I neglected more often than I care to admit this past year.  This God who has already given me the most incredible life, and is continuing me on my journey to the next chapter of this life a week from today?

I've been really sentimental lately since I'm in the midst of a ton of "one-year anniversaries".  So I looked at my journal from right around the time that I was packing to move here last year and it was filled with anxieties about not having enough time to get everything done, but it was also filled with some sweet, sweet moments with the Lord.  And it was convicting, because though I still have "quiet times", those sweet moments seem to be few and far between.

I realized that this year I've lost a lot of my dependence on God.  If I'm being honest, this has been one of the most difficult years of my life.  I have seen some wonderful fruit come out of this move, but being so far away from home for the first time, and everything else that happened this year has left me feeling lonely, REALLY lonely.

So I did what most humans like me do, I shut down.  I hid myself.  And I ended up hiding myself from the One who I needed most.

I truly believe that moving here was an act that was well-thought out, and that there was nothing inside of me screaming DON'T DO THIS!  But ever since I've arrived, it seems to be blow after blow, and I constantly find myself wondering when it's going to end? Or, when can I move to Columbia? Or, what would be different if I had stayed in California? These thoughts have consumed my brain and it's not fair.  Because that's not depending on the Lord.  That's not even THINKING about the Lord.

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:11-13

These verses were sent to me the other night.  At first I thought it was an odd timing to send me something like that, but the more I thought about that passage and the more I wrestled with the passage, the more I felt stirring in my heart.

This past year has not been for nothing.  I've met some incredible people, lived in an unreal and awesome city, and have grown up in ways I can hardly fathom, but as I pack up my life in Kansas City, and move on to this new chapter filled with new friends, a new [35,000 student] school, and a new Starbucks (holla!), I'm looking to gain my dependence not on all of these things, or the sudden exciting-but-also-really-scary feeling of not being in a long-distance relationship anymore, but remembering to be content in the Lord.  Remembering that He wants to be a part of all of this, and is eagerly pursuing me every second of every day.

Gratitude.

Happy Weekend!! And yes, yes it IS a happy weekend because I have it off.  This means jammers all day, and partying (err sleeping) all night!  I mean, don't be too incredibly jealous because I have an un-Godly amount of homework to do over the next few weeks, but I'm in the home stretch and tomorrow I get to see a dear project friend!!

When I went to start journaling this morning I just kept thinking about things I'm grateful for.  There's a blog I follow who does a similar thing every week so I must have had it on the brain.  I finally decided to start writing them down, and then decided I would share them on here as well...

So here's to gratitude!

For slow Saturday mornings who's only requirements are coffee and Jesus.

For a man who pursues me, and loves me the way my heart loves.

For random kitties who make my heart want to burst with love

For a week of thunderstorms that get this California girl's heart pumping.

For a roommate who shares her computer charger with me every time mine bites the dust.

For dreaming big and knowing Who's in control.

For a God who knows what He's doing, and is never shaken by my doubt.

What are you grateful for?

Sidenote: When did it become April 20th? It's almost MAY! I have been looking forward to the month of May for I don't even know how long.  My best friend in the entire world is getting married to her best friend, my sister graduates high school, my first full-time-student-while-working-full-time semester ends, my sweet boyfriend's birthday, parent's anniversary, I get to go to California TWICE, two of my roommates head to Greece, the list goes on... Cannot WAIT! Let's just hope the weather gets warm and stays that way this time ;)

Intentional

So far so good on this Bible plan I'm on! I know it's only been 10 days but I still get so excited when I get down in the Word. I'm already seeing fruit in my quiet time. Yay!

But lately I've really been struggling with how I can make this semester productive. I kind of spent last semester "settling in" and dealing with all of the changes that have been going on. I didn't really invest in much other than work. The majority of my relationships have been kept surface level, even the ones back in California that have been deeper before.

I decided that this semester is going to be spent loving others, and really diving in to deeper relationships with those around me, and those back in Clovis. God has given me this awesome journey to take part in but in no way does He want me to keep it all to myself. I want to share it with this community of believers, and the nonbelievers I've come into friendships with, and let them be a part of my journey as well.

So my new word is INTENTIONAL. This semester I am back to my one job, and more excitingly I'm back in school! I am entering a new season in my Kansas City journey, and I am praying earnestly to intentionally build relationships, experience my city, progress in my education, and find joy in my God! 

A love letter to the year 2012

Dear 2012,

Are you kidding me? Thanks for rocking my socks off and being the best year to date! I had some of the highest highs and some of the lowest lows, but believe me when I say it was the scariest and most fulfilling year so far.

With you came so many checks off of my bucket list, so many tears of pain and of joy, so many epiphanies, heartaches, dances, and new adventures.

My favorite part of you had to be when I went overseas for the first time, and I'm sure that comes as no surprise. Those 6 weeks were spent doing so many things that I never thought I would do or could do, and what better way to see a beautiful country of Europe than by being there to further God's kingdom and make life-long friendships with some of the most beautiful people I've ever met? It brought so many life-altering decisions and changes, and I learned a lot I liked about myself and a whole lot I didn't like about myself.

2012, you were so good to me and all year I just kept thinking NONE of this would have happened if it wasn't for my lover of a God. The God who wants to lavish me and give me the deepest desires and adventures in my heart. Thank you, 2012, for letting God use you to mold me into the daughter I'm meant to be. I am so sad that you are gone, but I know that this is just the beginning.

You'll be dearly missed, but I'll always hold our memories close. You brought growth and that's all I can ask for.

Love,
Tayler

__________________________________________________________

I'm not really one to make New Year's Resolutions because I can't keep them for the life of me, but this year I've decided to do a 49 week walk through the Bible. In my 3 years as a believer I have never read the entire thing through, and I've decided that now more than ever it's my desire to know more about my God.

This is where I LIVE now.

It has been so long since I've blogged! I guess life has been slightly crazy... By my California standards it's super cold here in the Midwest, but I have yet to see any snow fall (and yes, I am very upset about this). This morning I was drinking coffee with one of my roommates who had already been outside and this is the conversation we had:

Rachel: "It was like 19 degrees outside earlier!"
Me: "But... There's still no snow?"
Rachel: "Nope"
Me: "Dangit! Where's the snow?!"
Rachel: [very lovingly] "Tayler, just because it's cold enough to snow doesn't mean it will."

I guess I didn't realize how often I ask her when it's going to snow :)

So that's my frustration with the weather lately... Oh, and the fact that these drastic weather changes cause my entire head to rebel against my body and my allergies cause me to be sick for days.


But onto bigger and better things: Exciting (but also really kind of scary) news.....

 I'm officially a resident of Missouri!

After jumping through hoops for days to try and register my car in the Show-Me-State, I finally finished everything this afternoon! I also got my MO driver's license, and registered to vote in good ole' Jackson County!

It just got real. Missouri is where I live.

Yeah, I mean I've been here for 4 months (holy shiz, that's 1/3 of a year!) and all, but now it's where I LIVE. When I'm driving down the road, I won't feel like I have a big sign on my car saying, "hey turn and look at this girl because she's not from around here!" or when I'm driving through traffic I won't feel like I'm being judged for "driving like a Californian" (I promise I'm not a crazy driver I just DOMINATE in traffic). I'm just going to be another Missourian driving through town!

No regrets. Never have I ever felt this kind of an exhilarating relationship with my good and faithful Lord!

Next week I go back to Clovis for Christmas so if you're reading this and you live in Clovis, LET'S GO TO KUPPA JOY OR IN N OUT!! :)

It's OCTOBER!

October is-and will-always be my favorite month of the year. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't just because my birthday is in the month of October (October 12th, by the way. And yes, I love my birthday more than most people should).

October means fall, and this is going to be the first fall I experience outside of California. I love California fall dearly because the temperature finally comes down from un-Godly temperatures, but this will be the first year I experience a real fall: Beautiful colors, chilly weather, scarves, crunchy falling leaves, pumpkin candles, folky music, hot chocolate, Frank Sinatra (oh.. my man), and everything else that is good in the Midwest fall. I guess I got carried away and added some things I just want to do regardless of where I'm currently living :)

My roommates have been out of town on a retreat all weekend so I used this weekend to do nothing except stay warm and sleep.. So boring, I know. But now I'm ready to explore the world outside me and see some of what my favorite month entails here in Missouri!

I'm doing some exciting things to celebrate my birthday, like going back to Cali for my ACTUAL birthday weekend, and heading over to CoMo for my "Columbia birthday" the week after.

But I want to have the best-first-real-October ever so now I'm inspired to make a little October goal list:

1. Listen to Frank and the rest of the Rat Pack.
2. Make homemade granola
3. Watch an old movie I've never seen (any suggestions?) while eating homemade popcorn
4. Take up a new hobby
5. Go out and explore KC more
6. Take more pictures
7. Make as many things out of pumpkin as possible
8. Go to a pumpkin patch
9. Do a Facebook fast! (seriously.. now that I have internet I get so sucked in)
10. Spend an entire day with the Lord

...Now to go get started on the exploring :)