Today, I need an outlet. And today instead of paper and pen my outlet is this blog that I haven't looked at in a year and a half.
I need to preface [mostly for myself] that I live an incredible life that yes is full of twists and turns, but is also filled with so much good that I still neglect to remember in the midst of the twists and turns. I get to wake up every day to a loving husband who sternly and lovingly tells me no every time I tell him I want to quit school because he knows I'm lying to myself, and knows that no matter how many times I say "I'm not made for school" that those are also lies that will never be true no matter how much I believe it at a given moment. I have friends who send me gifts to remind me that I'm missed and loved, friends that not only embrace the novel-length text messages I send when they ask me how I'm doing, but respond with the same novel-length texts reminding me that all of this is temporary and there is a greater good in it all. Friends that love me without condition and encourage me no matter how many times I cry and complain and play the same whiny record that has been my heart and mind lately. I have an incredible support system in my parents and my sister. Parents who make me feel like nothing is impossible, and a sister that I know I can share all of my dirty laundry with and she'll still look at me like I've still got my life together and somehow still want my advice on life. I go to an incredible university and am truly a part of two great programs that stretch me and force me to push myself to lengths that I never realized were so difficult for me to get to but that I DO get to.
I also am a daughter to an incredibly loving and faithful God, without whom I cannot get through.
And here's where my online journaling begins today...
Ten minutes ago I sat in the student center at school (thankfully *mostly* out of sight) CRYING, like tears streaming uncontrollably down my face. I've already told a professor that I will in no way be prepared for a test today, begging him to let me take it on Monday, and I have a paper that is essentially an empty page at this point due in less than an hour, and I'm sitting here CRYING, having not even taken out my books to research and study.
Thankfully the tears have subsided but I just started thinking... I'm literally holding on with all of my might just to survive right now. There has been so much going on this year that I have continuously felt like I'm sprinting behind trying to catch up and the moment I do catch up, I fall back to where I was and have to start sprinting before I can even catch my breath. It wasn't until yesterday that I actually started processing that we're already finishing the fifth week of the semester and it makes sense that I now have multiple papers and multiple tests scheduled this week and next.
I turned on my normal "worship-y" Pandora station a bit ago and my first three songs were in this order:
1. Phil Wickham- Heaven Song [cue tears]
2. Jesus Culture- He is Faithful [not usually a fan of Jesus Culture, but I love this song and once again, cue giant tears]
3. Hillsong- Oceans
Heaven Song came on and I thought, "Man, P. Wickham is right. I really cannot wait to run on greener pastures and be with Jesus in heaven where life just won't be hard anymore." Then He is Faithful came on and I struggled to let "He has paid the biggest price" sink in because really, fathoming the Gospel is something really difficult to do lately. Then Oceans came on and I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'd love to be taken deeper than my feet could ever wander, but I'm just struggling to stay afloat and really am just hoping for some help in the doggy-paddle department right now so I'm not really wanting to think much about this song right now"
And that's when I thought; Jesus has me in this place. Jesus is WITH me in this place. Jesus felt like this and DIED for this! Isn't that unbelievable?! It's probably not a coincidence that this is the first week of Lent. A time where we remember what we are as humans, and reflect on the goodness of our God, who humbled Himself and came to die on the cross and beat death so that we don't have to be enslaved by it. For us to meet him in places like I've been in for far too long and learn to trust that He's carrying us through.
Learning to trust is hard. I've been sucked dry of all motivation and energy the last few months, and I've gotten to the point where I go home and either want to sleep or binge-watch Netflix in order to check out and not deal with things. My heart is hardened to good, and I've been believing some really awful lies about myself for so long that I've almost forgotten HOW to combat those lies. So today my goal is to pray every. single. time. that I think I can't do this. It's already a struggle, but it's my only hope--Turning to the One who truly loves me enough to die for me to be freed from this very place I'm in right now.
Bless the Lord, oh my soul.
I know this is sporadic, but if you are reading this it's because this was mostly just supposed to be written for an audience of me. But if you're reading this, I'm not mad! Thanks for meeting me in this place and hey if you're in this place you're not alone. I hope you feel encouraged and loved no matter where you are right now.
I need to preface [mostly for myself] that I live an incredible life that yes is full of twists and turns, but is also filled with so much good that I still neglect to remember in the midst of the twists and turns. I get to wake up every day to a loving husband who sternly and lovingly tells me no every time I tell him I want to quit school because he knows I'm lying to myself, and knows that no matter how many times I say "I'm not made for school" that those are also lies that will never be true no matter how much I believe it at a given moment. I have friends who send me gifts to remind me that I'm missed and loved, friends that not only embrace the novel-length text messages I send when they ask me how I'm doing, but respond with the same novel-length texts reminding me that all of this is temporary and there is a greater good in it all. Friends that love me without condition and encourage me no matter how many times I cry and complain and play the same whiny record that has been my heart and mind lately. I have an incredible support system in my parents and my sister. Parents who make me feel like nothing is impossible, and a sister that I know I can share all of my dirty laundry with and she'll still look at me like I've still got my life together and somehow still want my advice on life. I go to an incredible university and am truly a part of two great programs that stretch me and force me to push myself to lengths that I never realized were so difficult for me to get to but that I DO get to.
I also am a daughter to an incredibly loving and faithful God, without whom I cannot get through.
And here's where my online journaling begins today...
Ten minutes ago I sat in the student center at school (thankfully *mostly* out of sight) CRYING, like tears streaming uncontrollably down my face. I've already told a professor that I will in no way be prepared for a test today, begging him to let me take it on Monday, and I have a paper that is essentially an empty page at this point due in less than an hour, and I'm sitting here CRYING, having not even taken out my books to research and study.
Thankfully the tears have subsided but I just started thinking... I'm literally holding on with all of my might just to survive right now. There has been so much going on this year that I have continuously felt like I'm sprinting behind trying to catch up and the moment I do catch up, I fall back to where I was and have to start sprinting before I can even catch my breath. It wasn't until yesterday that I actually started processing that we're already finishing the fifth week of the semester and it makes sense that I now have multiple papers and multiple tests scheduled this week and next.
I turned on my normal "worship-y" Pandora station a bit ago and my first three songs were in this order:
1. Phil Wickham- Heaven Song [cue tears]
2. Jesus Culture- He is Faithful [not usually a fan of Jesus Culture, but I love this song and once again, cue giant tears]
3. Hillsong- Oceans
Heaven Song came on and I thought, "Man, P. Wickham is right. I really cannot wait to run on greener pastures and be with Jesus in heaven where life just won't be hard anymore." Then He is Faithful came on and I struggled to let "He has paid the biggest price" sink in because really, fathoming the Gospel is something really difficult to do lately. Then Oceans came on and I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'd love to be taken deeper than my feet could ever wander, but I'm just struggling to stay afloat and really am just hoping for some help in the doggy-paddle department right now so I'm not really wanting to think much about this song right now"
And that's when I thought; Jesus has me in this place. Jesus is WITH me in this place. Jesus felt like this and DIED for this! Isn't that unbelievable?! It's probably not a coincidence that this is the first week of Lent. A time where we remember what we are as humans, and reflect on the goodness of our God, who humbled Himself and came to die on the cross and beat death so that we don't have to be enslaved by it. For us to meet him in places like I've been in for far too long and learn to trust that He's carrying us through.
Learning to trust is hard. I've been sucked dry of all motivation and energy the last few months, and I've gotten to the point where I go home and either want to sleep or binge-watch Netflix in order to check out and not deal with things. My heart is hardened to good, and I've been believing some really awful lies about myself for so long that I've almost forgotten HOW to combat those lies. So today my goal is to pray every. single. time. that I think I can't do this. It's already a struggle, but it's my only hope--Turning to the One who truly loves me enough to die for me to be freed from this very place I'm in right now.
Bless the Lord, oh my soul.
I know this is sporadic, but if you are reading this it's because this was mostly just supposed to be written for an audience of me. But if you're reading this, I'm not mad! Thanks for meeting me in this place and hey if you're in this place you're not alone. I hope you feel encouraged and loved no matter where you are right now.
